Sometimes I Love Him Just A Little Bit Extra

I generally don't get all mushy-gushy over my husband. I don't write sonnets about how the sun shines out of his ass all day long, how he should be crowned with sainthood, or how hopelessly devoted I am to him. I'm just not like that. Sure, I love him, he's my best friend, etc. But, he does kinda get on my nerves sometimes. In return, I get on his nerves sometimes. So we have this fun, back-and-forth dynamic.

The good thing is, making me laugh is the quickest way to my heart. I think he recently realized this, because lately, he's been making me laugh a lot. Just because.

So yesterday, when we were sitting in the theater, waiting for Harry Potter to start, we saw a trailer for New Moon. Keep in mind that he hasn't read the books or seen the movie. And do you know what he said?

Oh, SparkleBoy! Watch out for those mean werewolves!

In a girly voice.

Then he turned and grinned at me while I cracked up.

I never said it took a lot to make me laugh.

Just remember ladies, he's MINE.

Comic Con's New Moon

This is major.

Can you believe the cast of Twilight actually showed up at Comic Con? I can't. I heard they were going to be there, but I assumed "cast" meant everyone except Bella & Edward. I mean, come on people, they are far to huge of A-list stars to attend such a frivolous fan event. They are far too busy appearing on US Weekly covers (at least they were until Michael Jackson died).

As a San Diegan, I'm truly surprised that I didn't hear headlining reports like:

Fan Mob Crushes Kristen Stewart's Head

Robert Pattinson Found Crying In Corner

San Diego Buildings Windows Shattered From Sonic FanGirl Squee

For those of you who don't live in San Diego, or weren't at Comic Con, I'd just like to rub in the fact that Robert Pattinson WAS IN MY CITY. OMG! Like, I could have attempted to stalk him and everything! What is wrong with me?

Here are some photos from the event. Since I am so nice, I've even captioned them for you.


Taylor Lautner: "Dude, what is up with Kristen's hair? And her face? She looks rough. I'm so glad she didn't look like that when I had to pretend that I was all in love with her, because I am not that good of an actor. Do you think I should show her my abs again?"


Kristen Stewart: "Duuuuhhh...what? Ew...I think my hair might be greasier than Rob's."

Kristen: "What. The. Hell?! That girl had better keep her hands of Rob or I will claw her eyes out. I can't wait til this Joan Jett movie is over so I can have my pretty hair again and start showering. Look at Rob. He's so cute. I really should have hooked up with him when I had the chance. Don't look at me! I'm hideous!"

Robert Pattinson: "Ha! Have you seen Kristen? She looks bloody awful! Even when I try to look awful, I still look better than her. And girls still throw themselves at me! Should I make out with someone just to make her jealous? Sorry love, you missed out on all this!"

My friend, (Hi Maegan!) sent me some links to clips that were shown at Comic Con.

My Favorite Paintings

As a lover of the arts, I thought I would take this opportunity to share my favorite works with you.

Feel free to view the larger collection at Worth 1000.

Dear Car,

$900 in parts and labor?

Your timing sucks,

Kris

Parenting Multiples

Here's something I've come to believe as a mom of twins: We're just not meant to have more than one child at a time.


There's the issue of time, effort, exhaustion, expense, breastfeeding, number of arms/hands to hold and carry them, and all that. But really, I believe it boils down to the fact that they just don't get enough individual attention. They have to share everything, which is great, because they learn to share very early, but sharing everything also kinda sucks. Like sharing a birthday and sharing Mommy & Daddy's attention, without having the separate distinction/priviledge of being the oldest, or being the baby. Being one minute older doesn't really count.


Maybe this is only true of my kids. Or maybe it's only true with girls (translation: drama queens). I don't know. With my kids, even though they are very closely bonded and hate to be separated, they also really enjoy being recognized for different things or accomplishments. Unfortunately, this also means that the desire to be recognized individually creates some of its own competition.


For example, just this weekend in Vegas, I was praising them both for how well they are swimming and how proud I am of them. They both wanted me to tell them that they swam better than the other. Or that they were the first to swim.


I wonder if it's worse with identical twins. Thank goodness Kate looks like Daddy and Emma looks like me. At least they get to be distinct in their looks (and personalities). We can rave about the beauty of Kate's long lashes and Emma's freckles. They've also developed different favorites, which helps them have things that are their own, without having to share.


Kate likes light blue and Cinderella. Emma likes pink and Ariel. So we know that the light blue clothes and Cinderella toys belong to Kate. The pink clothes and Ariel toys belong to Emma.


At the same time, having twins is awesome. They have a built in playmate and friend wherever they go. They end up with double the amount of toys and clothes. They comfort each other. They stick up for each other. Oh man, when they stick up for each other, it practically makes my heart explode with joy. Even when they knock other kids around while doing it. I know its wrong, but seeing sweet, gentle Emma shove a little boy to the ground in defense of her sister is secretly satisfying.

WTF Obama = Hitler Email?

I have a coworker that I am friends with. I really like her. She has a daughter a couple months younger than mine, and we have gotten them together to play. We've gone to Sea World together and visited each other's houses. So we're friends outside of work. We have a lot of things in common.

We also disagree on a lot of things.

Today she sent me a religious/political email forward. It basically equated Obama to Hitler and accused him of a Nazi propaganda campaign to brainwash our children. It said that as Christians, we need to be vigilant about protecting our children's minds from der Furor and the Change campaign.

Sigh.

I think its safe to say we don't agree on politics or religion.

I Survived Vegas

Vegas was both good and bad. It changed minute to minute, depending on the availability and number of bribes that I was able to provide my kids. They were happiest when they were just hanging out in the room, jumping on beds, acting like maniacs, screaming like banshees, or watching cartoons. Unfortunately, I wasn't willing to put up with the screaming, jumping, maniac bit, and the watching cartoons bit bored me to tears. So I would drag them out in 114 degree heat to see Vegas or grab a bite to eat, and they would whine and complain until they were presented with a slurpee or lollipop. Or the promise of visiting the M&M World.


We swam a bit, after I spent about 30 minutes blowing up their inner tubes to float in. And I didn't see a single topless woman. I saw a scary waitress in a butt-crack baring bikini...I'm not entirely sure she was born female...but I didn't see any bare boobs.


There was a Serendipity directly across the street, so I got to try a famous Frozen Hot Chocolate. It was good, but not especially magically delicious or anything. At $8.75 a pop, I expected more. But at least I got to see what all the fuss was about. And plus, it was in the 100 and teens, so a cold, frosty, chocolate drink isn't exactly torture.

I wouldn't say that it was a wonderful trip, but I wouldn't call it horrible either. It's just not a trip that I will want to repeat any time soon.

Weekend Getaway or Hellfire torture?

Tomorrow I will be on my way to Vegas. Driving. At midday. With my maniac driver husband behind the wheel and my four year old girls in the back.

I'm not quite sure what possessed me to think that all of us tagging along to his business trip would be a good idea. Mid-July. I must have been looking for an excuse to ask for time off from work or something. But now I'm committed. We're going. It's too bad I'm not as enthused as I used to be.

Right now I'm concerned with how I am going to keep the kids entertained without driving myself crazy. Alright, I know there are actually a lot of kid friendly activities in Vegas. And I'm not talking about Circus Circus, because I will have to be seriously desperate and Crazy Crazy to attempt that place. It's like one giant, noisy, screaming, crying, swine flu infested mess over there. With gawdy clowns. But besides Circus Circus, there are certainly other kid sights to visit. My problem is that visiting them will require leaving the air conditioned comfort of my hotel and actually going outside. In Vegas. Mid-July. Have you ever been to the desert in the middle of summer? I swear that it gets so hot that you feel like you can't breathe and that your lungs might actually spontaneously combust. That is, if your skin doesn't catch fire first. And then, when you go back inside the hotels where it is frosty cold, the temperature difference actually makes you feel sick and weak and light-headed. And if you think I'm being dramatic, wait until I start traipsing around with a couple of four year old girls.

My other concern, is exposing my young, impressionable daughters to all the drunkennakedcrazyvulgardirtygrossness of Vegas. You might think to yourself, surely with Kris as their mother, they are accustomed to all of that! But you would be wrong, for I am never drunk.

The Strip is a location, not an invitation.

I'm told that now even the Treasure Island Pirate show is risque. We plan to spend some time at the pool, but even that has me worried. Did you know they have topless pools? How will my self esteem survive when I'm lounging poolside with my flabalanche stuffed into my Momzilla bathing suit, alongside some bodacious breasted babes in bitty bikini bottoms? And how will I answer my girls when they ask why they don't have a top on? "Well, you see honey, those girls didn't have a Mommy or Daddy that gave them enough attention, so they grew up trying to get attention for their looks. And if you ever do that, I will lock you in your room until you're 30. Oh, would you look at the time? Time for a nap!"

Someone please tell me that those pools are all partitioned off so that I don't have boobs in my face all afternoon. I mean, if that's how I wanted to spend my day, I could just hang upside down without a bra.

I'll let you know next week whether it was a fun weekend getaway or a plunge into hell.

Johnny Depp: Burton's Muse

Tim Burton knows that there are other actors in the world besides Johnny Depp right?

He knows he doesn't have to cast Johnny as the lead in every movie he makes, right?

Don't get me wrong, Johnny is awesome, and I've been a fan since 21 Jumpstreet, and he always pulls off the weird Burton roles. I know he'll be great as the Mad Hatter. I mean, just look at that...its so creepy and disturbing and...intriguing. And he hasn't even spoken yet. I've never had a clown phobia before, but I think I will if I stare at that picture too long. I'm not much of a Tim Burton fan, but chances are I will see Alice in Wonderland when it comes out. Still...it wouldn't hurt to have a little variety in the casting.

That also includes using his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, as the female lead in all his movies.

(My husband lovingly calls her the "most ugly woman on the planet")

Does Burton not know about IMDb? Should I send him a link? I know my husband would really appreciate not having stare at Helena's mug on the big screen.

Facebook Friend or Foe?

I am now Facebook friends with my ex-step-sister.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I was 5 and she was 6 when my mom and her dad got married. She spent the school year with her mom back East and spent summers with her dad, and by default, the rest of us. That first summer, my brother and I got lots of lectures about how we needed to be nice and make an effort to be friends because it was going to be so awkward for her. We understood.

I shared my room, my toys, and all my belongings. We showed her around the neighborhood and made sure she was always included when we played with our friends. She came to birthday parties and sleep-overs, bike riding adventures, neighborhood games of sneak at dusk, endless hours of swimming, etc.

Yet there was still so much tension.

We were each given a list of chores. When my brother & I were still busy doing our chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, washing the sheets and making the beds, when her only job was to take the sheets off the bed, we didn't understand. When I would try to be considerate and share my things with her, she would scream and throw the items at me, because they were on her side of the room. I would get in trouble for it. I walked on eggshells. When the rest of the step-family (grandma, cousins, etc) would get together for outings and sleep-overs and exclude my brother and I, we knew it, and we did not understand.

Eventually, we got tired of being nice. We knew it would be easy to rile her up, so we teased her. We went outside to play and stopped asking her to come with. We co-existed and tolerated each other, but we were never ever close or friends.

As we got older and went through junior high and high school, I constantly felt compared to her. Look how tall she is! How blonde! How pretty! How thin! How popular! How athletic! She would roll in with her Guess jeans, bikinis, and her yearbook full of photos of her with her various boyfriends, and I would voluntarily enroll in summer school and walk back and forth every day in my Mervyn's outfit, just to get out of the house. We still shared a room, but we barely spoke.

She came to live with us permanently when she was 18. My brother had gone off to college, so we didn't share a room anymore. I was a senior in high school, so I was busy with school, work, and my friends, and she did...whatever it was that she did. I didn't really care what she did. I think the feeling was mutual. You stay out of my way, I'll stay out of yours. We didn't share the same interests or friends. We weren't mean or rude, we just spent as little time as possible together. In our early 20s we both moved out and got married. We would see each other at family functions and holidays. We exchanged our meager gifts and were courteous and civil. We didn't call or get together unless we were obligated to do so. It wasn't so much that we disliked each other at that point, we were just so different and had nothing in common, and neither of us was really willing to make much of an effort.

Then, after 20 years, our parents got divorced and it was bitter and weird, and we no longer had family functions and holidays. So its been like this for about 10 years. We live about 10 minutes away, and we send each other a Christmas card with a picture of our family, but that's it.

And now we're Facebook friends, and I'm not sure if I like it or not. We're still vastly different, and we still have nothing in common, and I'm guessing she feels exactly the same way.

Expecto Patronum!

Something just dawned on me.



Harry Potter comes out on Wednesday. WEDNESDAY! Holy Freak! Did somebody put a Confundus Charm on me or something?

Time to wash my t-shirt that says:

Guess who's wearing it to the movies. Clearly, I am awesome.

Should I apologize in advance to my husband and any friends that will be seeing it with me? Right about now you're hoping that you are never ever seen with me in public. Ever. Right?

Office Pranks

I am head of our department party planning committee. In addition to various team building and holiday parties, I am responsible for planning milestone birthday parties. Milestones, as in, when someone turns 30, 40, 50, etc. Each birthday party has its own theme depending on what that person's interests are. For example, we had a high tea party and a Sex In The City party.

Right now we're working on a Disney party and a Dunder Mifflin party.

That's right. A Dunder Mifflin party.

Complete with a stapler in jello.

But I need your help. I need ideas for a Jim/Dwight type prank to pull on the birthday person. One that won't get me into trouble (ie. not destructive or offensive), and one that is actually doable on a zero budget.

So far we have covering her desk in tin foil or filling her office with balloons.

Edited to add:
As part of the party, we're also including a Dundie Award ceremony and need categories for awards. Again, non-offensive ones that won't get me in trouble. I know, it kinda takes the fun out of it, but I need to be able to keep my job.

Michael Bay, You Annoy Me

Dear Michael Bay,

I appreciate the fact that you are Hollywood's go-to-guy for summer blockbusters that involve lots of special effects and explosions. I really enjoyed the first Transformers movie and was pretty excited to see the second one. I saw it opening weekend but needed a week to have a well thought out question for you about it. So here goes...

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

As a fully functioning, non mentally challenged adult, I have a serious issue with your movie. It totally did not make any sense. All the lame plot segues that never really tied together? The addition of some new Autobot characters that were an obvious, yet very sad and annoying attempt at humor...I'll just go ahead and say it...they were robot versions of Jar-Jar Binks. The female robot that just happened to be conveniently placed at Sam's new college dorm? Incidentally, I didn't know that robots wore gallons of self-tanner too. Or is that just a basic requirement of all your movie characters? All actors must be overly tanned/splotchy orange?

Seriously, was there ever even a point to anything that happened? The annoying roommate? The former secret agent that now runs a butcher shop, but has a complete bunker of government secrets conveniently stored in his meat locker? An old robot at the Smithsonian that can teleport people? Since when can robots teleport people? Why don't the newer robots have this kind of technology? And if they CAN teleport people, how about teleporting them to an actual desired destination. Like say, the secure location of the flipping Army base where they need to be instead of making them run miles across the desert, dodging various evil robots, huh? Or did you just have a bunch of extra explosives that you needed to blow up?

I've heard that plenty of folks in Hollywood circles think you're a complete d!*k. Bruce Willis has pretty much told anyone who will listen that he hates your guts and will never work with you again. Bruce Willis had to kick Hans Gruber's ass, and you're the one that he hates? And after seeing this picture of you from Halloween last year, I think I gotta side with Bruce.

Nice costume, Tool. Yeah I get it...you're a middle aged rich white dude with pecs. Sheesh, the one time I want crazy Mike Tyson to sucker punch someone, and he just stands there.

The only decent thing you did with Transformers 2 is make sure that Shia is still in it, and give his crazy mama a couple of decent lines.

In the future, I will wait for some reviews before I bother seeing any of your sequels. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

With sincere animosity,

Kris

Zombies Are Real

BEWARE!

Avoid taxi cabs (or taxi drivers), they are likely already infected. Zombies are attracted to the smell of blood, shiny objects, and movement faster than 2 mph.

They will eat your brains.