Dear Mysterious Buzzing Sound Outside My Office,

What ARE you?  You sound like a cell phone in the wall on perpetual vibrate.  Or a "back massager" or "electric ear cleaner"....if you know what I'm talking about (wink wink).  Either way, please stop.  Please?  I may be forced to take a mental health day tomorrow if you don't knock it the eff off.  Cause I'm going crazy.  My coworkers are going crazy.  And if one more person comes in my office to ask me what that noise is....I will lose my chizz.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT NOISE IS!

I'm totally starting to get how torturing prisoners with loud noises works.

Oh wait!  You stopped! Yay!

Nope.  Nevermind.  You started again.  FML

That cranky, psycho chick in the office next to you,
Kris

Dear Adele,

Rumour has it, I love someone like you. I'll be waiting to hear another lovesong.

Your one and only,
Kris

I've Got a Crush On You, Cutie Pie

It has been a while since I've done any posts about my latest crushes.  No worries though, I'm making up for that by bringing you TWO crushes!

First, I bring you Blake Shelton.  Did I know who Blake Shelton was before watching The Voice?  No.  Does that matter?  No. 

Blake's a cutie.  He's tall, he has dimples, he's FUNNY, he has a little bit of grey in his hair (yes, I'm old and I kinda like dudes with some grey now), and he's country, which means he knows how to wear a pair of levis.  Yowza. 



My second crush is Zooey Deschanel.  Have you seen the commercials for her new tv show, New Girl?  A-DORABLE.  She's pretty much the cutest thing since that sneezing baby panda.  I will totally be watching her show.

Bargain Beauty Rave

I have been meaning to rave about this thing on here for weeks. 

If you have ever wanted to try a clarisonic skin cleansing brush tool (the kind Oprah raves about), but can't afford it, you should try this.

It's only FIVE BUCKS!

It's called the Sephora Collection Precision Pore Cleansing Pad
It's small, portable, and because it's silicone, it's more sanitary than facial cleansing brushes or sponges.  It even has a suction cup on the back for sticking it to your shower wall.  The little bristles are soft but still feel like they do a good job of scrubbing out my pores. 

I actually own a clarisonic mia, and I love it.  But I don't travel with it, it stays exclusively in my shower.  I tend wash my face in a separate bathroom in the mornings, so I have this little scrubbie pad stored away in the medicine cabinet with my giant bottle of philosophy Purity cleanser. 

I brought this little guy on my little Beauty Bash trip with my mom and friend (Hi Michelle!), and I stuck him on the bathroom mirror so that they could all try him out and they loved him too.

For $5 you seriously can't go wrong.

Deep Thoughts

I just realized something.....

I work in HR and my main responsibility is hiring.  So I conduct a lot of interviews and make hiring recommendations.  When you think about it....I get paid to judge people.

I'm living the dream, people.

iCarly: Moonlight Twi-Blood

Starring Fredward Cullen

Ok you guys. I've already admitted to watching and liking iCarly. And I know how crazy it sounds. I do. I know you're judging me. I get it. But just do me a favor....watch this video. Come on, it's funny.
You know you want to.

Disgusting Dog Treats

I have a dog named Jelly.  Jelly was a pound puppy, likely a black lab/doberman mix, that we happily rescued from a shelter.  Before my kids were born, Jelly was completely spoiled with treats, love and attention.  We took her for walks, went to the dog park, bought her special toys and treats, and petted her constantly.  When the twins were born two years later, we didn't have time to shower, much less take Jelly to the dog park.  I wasn't too keen on petting a dirty dog and then touching my babies either.  So poor Jelly didn't get much attention.  She had food, water, a warm, cushy bed to sleep on, but virtually no attention.

The kids are six now, and they give Jelly plenty of attention.  They pet her and play with her all the time.  They provide the attention, I provide the treats.  It's a nice balance.

A couple of months ago, I reluctantly bought a big bag of pig ears for Jelly at Costco.  I was hesitant, because the thought of feeding dried pig ears to anyone is pretty gross.  Even a dog.  I had no idea how much she would LOVE them.  She would get all excited and crunch them like potato chips.  When the pig ears were all gone, I went back to Costco to buy more.  But Costco didn't have them anymore.  They had bully sticks instead.  So I bought those.

I naively thought they were just skinny rawhide sticks.  Until someone told me to google the ingredients.  Huh.  That explains the smell.  I went home and looked at the ingredients list on the package, just to be sure.

It said "Bull Pizzle".  Fo shizzle my nizzles.

Somehow pig ears just don't seem as gross now.

There Was An Old Lady...

I am at that age.

The age where body parts hurt for no reason.  And they hurt so bad that I can barely move.

Last Monday I woke up with back spasms.  I wish I could say that I had just climbed Mt Everest or beaten the Guiness World Record for Wii Just Dance 2.  Heck, it would have been nice to just say that I had gardened all day or lifted one of my kids and hurt it.  But I didn't do any of those things.  I just woke up with a random back injury.

I toughed it out at work on Monday even though I couldn't really work because I couldn't concentrate on anything besides how much my back was hurting.  The spasms would wrap around from my back to my stomach.  It felt like I was in labor.  Three days of back labor and no cute little baby to blame my stretch marks and saggy boobs on.

Gradually I got better and by Saturday I was feeling pretty good again.  I made my weekly trip to Costco where I foolishly lifted a case of water into my cart.

Big mistake.

I wonder how much Advil it takes before you get permanent liver damage...?

Colder Than A Witch's...

Last week I was sent on an official business trip to Austin, TX.  I've always heard what a cool town Austin is.  Sort of like San Diego, but with bbq and live music.  With a city slogan like "Keep Austin Weird", what's not to love?  I was starting to look forward the trip despite being away from my kiddos for three days.

I found myself daydreaming about how I was certainly, most definitely, going to run into Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds making out on the street.  Though I would settle for running into Sandra Bullock carting around her chubzy wittle behbeh, Louis.

However, Mother Nature had the gall to send a storm during my trip, so it was 23 degrees when we arrived.  23.  Farenheit.  As in, below freezing.  With snow in the forecast.  And it did, too.  The nerve!

It was too cold to walk the 15 blocks to Sandra Bullock's restaurant, and frankly, I was a little too afraid of being mugged to venture around the downtown neighborhood by myself.  Honestly, Sandra should thank her lucky stars, because I completely lose my shizz when I see celebrities.  I'm fairly certain I would have said something insulting about Sandy's new bangs.  And possibly something inappropriate about Ryan Reynolds' abs/junk.

I did find one really cool place to check out near the hotel, but unfortunately, it was closed for inventory.  Bummer.  That looked like a good time right there.

Confession: iWatch iCarly

It's true.  I totally love it.  I totally love a show for 13 year olds. 

And I'm thirty something.  I blame my friend, Aaron.

Aaron is even a couple years older than me, MALE, and yet he has been watching this show for a couple years and telling me how good it is and that I should watch it.  Now, I admit, I've watched my share of kids programming and found some of it pretty enjoyable (Charlie & Lola, Phineas & Ferb, Avatar: The Last Airbender, etc.).  But I've watched all those shows because my kids were watching them, and a few years ago they weren't interested in any tv shows that weren't animated, so iCarly was out.

But now my girls are 6, and they think they are oh-so mature (sometimes they really are), and they enjoy a little live-action tv programming now and then.  During a holiday get-together, Aaron once again mentioned iCarly and how I should be watching.  On New Year's Day, my addiction began.  I watched an episode or two and gradually began DVRing EVERY. SINGLE. SHOW.  I have become obsessed with watching every episode out there.  I even.....I even reserved some DVDs from the library so I could watch them in order.

A couple weekends ago, my husband was out of town and my girls were spending the night at Grammy's house, and I had the whole house all to myself on a Saturday night.  I could have done anything I wanted.  I could have taken a nice, hot bath, baked and eaten a whole pan of brownies, run around naked, sang obnoxiously loud karaoke, etc.  But what did I choose to do?  I fired up the DVR and watched iCarly until I fell asleep.

How cute are these kids?  And they actually make me laugh!  Seriously!  The show centers around Carly and her friends doing a web show. 

Carly - Carly is actually my least favorite character.  She's the reasonable, rational, friendly, girly one.  There's nothing bad about her (other than her cheshire like smile, and the fact that her eyes don't smile when her mouth does), but other than that, she's just kinda blah.

Sam - is Carly's BFF and co-hosts the web show.  Sam is rough, tough, slightly criminal, and likes to eat meat.  A lot.  She also constantly picks on Freddie.  Her mom is played by Jane Lynch. 

Freddie - is the tech/camera guy for the web show.  He's supposed to be the really smart, nerdy one.  But because I am a creepy old lady, I just think he's adorable.  He likes Carly, and lives in the apartment across the hall from her with his over-protective mom.

Spencer - is Carly's twenty something older brother and serves as her guardian.  Dad is away in the military, and I'm not sure where mom is.  Spencer is an artist, and is like a cross between over-acting Jim Carrey and doofy Keanu Reeves.

So if any of you want to join me in my strange obsession with a kids show, it airs on Nickelodeon.  Reruns are on daily.

QVC Beauty Bash Is Coming! Finally!

Save the Date!

Beauty Bash 2011

The QVC Beauty Bash will be held on April 30 and May 1, 2011. Tickets will be $75.00 each, with an additional $1.50 non-refundable service fee per ticket. Ticket sales will begin on Monday, March 28, 2011 at 10:00am ET through an online ticketing retailer. Click here for more information.

To purchase tickets for the QVC Beauty Bash, please click here: http://qvc.tix.com/ or go online to http://tix.com/ and search for QVC. All ticket related matters will be handled by Tix.com; QVC will not be taking reservations or selling any tickets for the event. Tickets will not show on the Tix.com website until Monday, March 28, 2011 at 10:00 AM ET when they are available for purchase.

Just in time for Mother's Day and my birthday!  I'll be all out of eye cream and moisturizer by then and ready to stock up on all the freebies!  Woo-hoo!

I hope I can get tickets!!!

Gwyneth Paltrow's Diabolical Plot To Make Me Like Her

Step 1:

Appear in an awesome Glee guest spot during which Gwyneth will:   

Actually be funny and likeable.

Sing the hell out of the songs.

Get punched in the face during the episode.

Step 2:

Send out a non-condescending edition of the GOOP newsletter in which Gwyneth will not talk down to the common peasants of the American middle class.

Step 3:
Be featured in an US Weekly subscriber email reporting that Gwyneth’s child threw a temper tantrum and that Gwyneth is not, in fact, the world’s most perfect mother.

Step 4:

Guest host a really funny episode of SNL in which Gwyneth will make fun of herself for pretending to be British and for starring in a movie about a country singer. Feature Pee Wee Herman and Cee Lo Green in hilarious guest segments. Episode must also include a Miley Cyrus Show sketch.

Haha! Too bad Gwyneth! You almost had me!  But no Miley Cyrus Show sketch means that I only slightly like you. Take it from Anne Hathaway, because that is exactly how she got me to start liking her:

But hey Gwyneth, since we’re almost on good terms now, can you answer a question that has been driving me nuts?

Why are Cee Lo Green’s arms SO SHORT?

 

He has tiny baby arms.  I'm curious....is he the world’s largest dwarf? Not that it matters, but don’t most people’s arms go down to like mid-thigh? Why do his only go to his waist? WHY?

A Visit From My Brother-In-Law

My husband is the oldest of five kids (4 boys, 1 girl).  The youngest brother is now enrolled at the university I work at, and he just came by my office to visit me.  Only was was tied up in a meeting and didn't get to see him.  How cute is that?  That he came to visit his old sister-in-law at work?  His nickname is Dirty D, but don't let that fool you.  He is ADORABLE.  He's one of those sweet, sensitive, artistic types.  He's the only boy in the family that isn't into sports.  Or cars/engines.  Or any of that loud, aggressive, boy stuff.  Instead, he's into art, books, and film.  His nieces (my girls) LOVE him, and he always plays with them and pays tons of attention to them when he sees them.  He chases them, tickles them, swings them around, and they giggle and squeal until they're all out of breath.  He's so great.  Plus, he totally looks like Joseph Fiennes.

(This picture is of Joseph Fiennes, but I swear... he looks just like that.  Trust me.)

Sorry to disappoint, ladies.  He's taken.  Well....semi-taken.  We're hoping he'll propose to his girlfriend of 3 years soon (she's a keeper!).  Otherwise, if I had a younger, single friend I would be setting them up in a heartbeat.

If only all my in-laws were like him.  He's a total gem in family of mental patients.  But that's a whole other post.

ETA:  He just stopped by again to see me before his next class.  He said he new it was my office when he saw the picture of Dwight Schrute on the filing cabinet.

The Best Thing To Happen To My Shower

Allow me to paint a mental picture of my master bathroom.  It's tiny.  Postage stamp tiny.  There is barely enough room to have a door on hinges that actually opens, and my knees almost touch the wall when I sit on the toilet.  It has a sad little medicine cabinet and and even more sad little vanity/sink.  The shower stall is a basic square, stand-up only (no tub), with no shelves or ledges of any kind. 

I have no desire to decorate in there.  The walls are bland off-white.  It is strictly functional and not a place of rest, relaxation, or rejuvenation.  The motto in there is:  Sh!t, shower, and shave. 

Unfortunately, the shave part doesn't happen as often as it should.  Since the shower is a simple box, and has no ledge to perch my foot to shave, I find it a chore to do so.  I have to point the shower head at the wall, away from my body so it doesn't wash away the lather on my legs, and quickly shave as fast as I can before the lack of hot water gives me goosebumps.  It's a pain.  So I'd wait until the stubble turned into a redwood forest.

But all of that has changed.  The best thing to happen to my shower is my new razor blade.

It has two shave gel bars that make the razor glide over my legs WITHOUT any kind of lather!  I can just stand there UNDER the water and shave!  No shave gel, no shower gel....just WATER!

I've shaved twice in three days.  It's a miracle.  Just ask my husband.

He used it to shave the hairs off the top of his Hobbit feet.  He's a fan too.

I love you, Venus Spa Breeze.  Why did it take me so long to discover you?

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old

I have friend that I haven't seen for several years. Let’s call her Amy. We were close in high school, and besties after graduation and into our early twenties. We spent the night at each other's houses, went to each other's church functions, and went to football games and countless movies together. We worked together for a year or two and were even bridesmaids in each other’s weddings. When she stole my prom date and dirty danced with him, I wasn’t mad. The truth is, I didn’t really like him much anymore, so no harm done. If Amy didn’t mind him rubbing his giant boner on her leg, fine. I was just glad he wasn’t coming after me….

Over the years though, our contact became less and less. We were both busy with jobs, husbands, homes, and kids. At one point, she changed her phone number, never responded to my emails, and I think she moved. I didn’t know how to reach her anymore. Since my attempts to get in touch never got a response, I stopped trying. I would occasionally run into her sister around town and get the annual Christmas card from her mom, but Amy and I never spoke.

Fast forward about 10 years. Facebook was invented. I friended Amy’s sister. I would lament the fact that Amy was always so hard to keep in touch with and it would be so easy if Amy were on Facebook, so wouldn’t she please try to convince Amy to join. Finally, about 6 months ago, Amy joined Facebook. We didn’t have a spectacular reunion. We just went about commenting on each other’s posts. I found out through Facebook that she had moved from one outskirt of the county to the other. I also found out through a Facebook invite that she was getting remarried.

I didn’t attend the wedding or reception, because, well…the invite was through Facebook. I assumed I was one of those “I feel obligated to invite you because we used to be close a long time ago, but I don’t actually care if you show up” invitees. I offered my congratulations…via Facebook, and commented on the loveliness of her wedding photos.

Then I got the email. Via Facebook. Right before Christmas. Calling me out for being a crappy friend because I didn’t come to her wedding/reception and I don’t make an effort to be her friend anymore.

Whaaaat?

The email went on to list other offenses, such as not including her in gatherings with other mutual friends from high school that I am still in close contact with. Friends that respond when I call or email. Friends that let me know their new address and phone number when they have moved. Friends that share info about someone they are dating instead of waiting until the wedding evite goes out.  Friends that due to busy schedules and obligations, I still don't see as often as I would like.

But I felt bad. I never meant to hurt Amy’s feelings. I had been ignored, and apparently I was guilty of doing the same thing back. So I emailed my response and said just that. I said that I would like to get together and reconnect with her. We haven’t scheduled anything yet, but so far all Amy’s responses have been downright cheery as if all has been forgotten.

She just announced (via Facebook) that she and her new husband are expecting a baby. I assume this obligates me to attend a future baby shower, but I don’t have to throw it, do I?