Jenny Lewis, Singer & Actress

Jenny Lewis, if I were Ursula, the Sea Witch, I would totally steal your voice and sing my heart out all the live-long day.

It is practically a crime that the only way for me to buy this song, Barking At The Moon, is to buy the Bolt soundtrack. That means buying a cd with John Travolta singing on it! It's a crime, I tell you!

And yeah, I could buy the MP3 version, but I really just want to be able to listen to it in my car (so I can sing my heart out in semi-privacy) or listen to it at work through my computer on Pandora. But Pandora doesn't even have it.

And now I'm being pouty about it.

This song is so pretty, why didn't Disney try to make more money off poor saps like me and market this song a little? Show me a little love, Disney! Let Jenny put it on one of her own cds!

Some of you might also Jenny Lewis acting in classics like Troop Beverly Hills and Big Girls Don't Cry, They Get Even!

Ma Duggar: Baby Factory

The Duggars announced that they are expecting their 19th child. They currently have children ranging in ages 0-21, and their oldest is already married and expecting his first child.

(and this picture only shows 14 kids!)

If their children continue to have as many children, by the time they reach the 5th generation, there will be 3.2 million Duggars on the planet.

• One in every hundred people in America would be a Duggar.
• There would be more Duggars than Latvians.
• There would almost be enough Duggars to have one in every square mile of America.
• If all the Duggars earned $30,000 annually, they would collect $96 billion a year before taxes, enough to bailout AIG and have enough left to buy Marvel Comics three times over.
• If all the Duggars were armed there would be more than enough of them to defeat the North Korean and Russian armies combined.
• There would be more Duggars than Muslims in America.
• There would be more Duggars than residents of America's 21 least populous states.

Dear Self,

When you go to the beach for an entire day with your friends and don't bother to put on sunscreeen because you think you are under the shade of the canopy, maybe you should ask your friends if you are in fact, in the shade. Because your shoulders just might get fried to a crisp.

Better yet, you should just go ahead and put some sunscreen on anyway, you moron. After all, you were at the beach in a tank top for the entire day.

Have fun peeling next week, dumbass! Common sense....look into it.

Painfully,
Kris

Celebrity Sighting

I saw Danny Glover at Disneyland yesterday.

He is taller, much skinnier, and less gray than I would have imagined.

I don't really like to approach celebrities, because I figure they probably don't like to be hasseled all the time. Plus, I act like a complete tool when I talk to them. Like goofy, gushing, can't string a sentence together kind of tool. It's so humiliating.

Feel Sorry For Me, Won't You?

The AC in the office building still isn't fixed, and they don't expect it to be fixed until Tuesday, at the earliest. My office is a tiny closet with no windows and it is probably around 92 degrees (give or take) in here. That's no exagerration. I've had close to about 100 oz of fluids to drink today, and I've only peed twice in my whole 9 hour day.

I'm hot, I'm sweaty, my feet are ginormous swollen, and I'm cranky.

But there is a definite silver lining...tomorrow I am going jet skiing and Monday I am going to Disneyland.

So maybe you don't have to feel that sorry for me.

Job Reference Letter WIN!

I sincerely hope that one day I have the pleasure of writing/receiving a reference letter like this for a job applicant. I think I would frame it and hang it in my office. Seriously.

To whomever it may concern (since I have no idea),

I would like to personally recommend Virginia A. for what ever it is that she requires a recommendation for. I have known VA professionally for a long time, almost 10 months. In that time her ability to almost do her job correctly has never ceased to amaze me. It takes quite a special person to answer phones and correctly forward callers to the correct employee. Some might say “That’s easy, anyone could do that.” But as her 15 year old replacement has proven, only someone with VA’s special set of skills could make it look difficult.

During her employment VA continually pushed the envelope of what it was possible to wear to work and not get fired. Often showing enough cleavage to make even the most satisfied infant salivate, VA and the girls showed what it truly means to give it all you’ve got, or show it at least. You might be fooled into thinking that this was grossly inappropriate and not even “What Not to Wear” could save her, but let me be the first to say that her personal contribution to morale and lack of concentration to the office was unsurpassable.

VA’s commitment to the job meant that she couldn’t just leave it at 8 hours and call it a day (unless she found someone else to give her a ride home to her apartment less than half a mile away. Walking is such hard work.) No sir, when there was a happy hour at another office, VA was the first to ask you to come (and for a ride.) When there was no drama in the office, VA would take it upon herself to sleep with one of your coworkers and tell you all about his ED just in case you thought maybe you didn’t know him well enough after all.

And so it is without hesitation that I recommend VA for whatever it is that she is applying for because that might mean I’ll have to hear form her less. Please accept/hire her.

Yours truly
XXXXX

Courtesy of Emails From Crazy People

The 3rd Ring of HVAC Hell

The HVAC is broken again in the office building, which is filling up with hot, humid air. It feels like Godzilla is breathing on me.

Repairs are not anticipated to be complete until the end of the week.

Shoot me now.