Dear Self,

When you go to the beach for an entire day with your friends and don't bother to put on sunscreeen because you think you are under the shade of the canopy, maybe you should ask your friends if you are in fact, in the shade. Because your shoulders just might get fried to a crisp.

Better yet, you should just go ahead and put some sunscreen on anyway, you moron. After all, you were at the beach in a tank top for the entire day.

Have fun peeling next week, dumbass! Common sense....look into it.

Painfully,
Kris

Celebrity Sighting

I saw Danny Glover at Disneyland yesterday.

He is taller, much skinnier, and less gray than I would have imagined.

I don't really like to approach celebrities, because I figure they probably don't like to be hasseled all the time. Plus, I act like a complete tool when I talk to them. Like goofy, gushing, can't string a sentence together kind of tool. It's so humiliating.

Feel Sorry For Me, Won't You?

The AC in the office building still isn't fixed, and they don't expect it to be fixed until Tuesday, at the earliest. My office is a tiny closet with no windows and it is probably around 92 degrees (give or take) in here. That's no exagerration. I've had close to about 100 oz of fluids to drink today, and I've only peed twice in my whole 9 hour day.

I'm hot, I'm sweaty, my feet are ginormous swollen, and I'm cranky.

But there is a definite silver lining...tomorrow I am going jet skiing and Monday I am going to Disneyland.

So maybe you don't have to feel that sorry for me.

Job Reference Letter WIN!

I sincerely hope that one day I have the pleasure of writing/receiving a reference letter like this for a job applicant. I think I would frame it and hang it in my office. Seriously.

To whomever it may concern (since I have no idea),

I would like to personally recommend Virginia A. for what ever it is that she requires a recommendation for. I have known VA professionally for a long time, almost 10 months. In that time her ability to almost do her job correctly has never ceased to amaze me. It takes quite a special person to answer phones and correctly forward callers to the correct employee. Some might say “That’s easy, anyone could do that.” But as her 15 year old replacement has proven, only someone with VA’s special set of skills could make it look difficult.

During her employment VA continually pushed the envelope of what it was possible to wear to work and not get fired. Often showing enough cleavage to make even the most satisfied infant salivate, VA and the girls showed what it truly means to give it all you’ve got, or show it at least. You might be fooled into thinking that this was grossly inappropriate and not even “What Not to Wear” could save her, but let me be the first to say that her personal contribution to morale and lack of concentration to the office was unsurpassable.

VA’s commitment to the job meant that she couldn’t just leave it at 8 hours and call it a day (unless she found someone else to give her a ride home to her apartment less than half a mile away. Walking is such hard work.) No sir, when there was a happy hour at another office, VA was the first to ask you to come (and for a ride.) When there was no drama in the office, VA would take it upon herself to sleep with one of your coworkers and tell you all about his ED just in case you thought maybe you didn’t know him well enough after all.

And so it is without hesitation that I recommend VA for whatever it is that she is applying for because that might mean I’ll have to hear form her less. Please accept/hire her.

Yours truly
XXXXX

Courtesy of Emails From Crazy People

The 3rd Ring of HVAC Hell

The HVAC is broken again in the office building, which is filling up with hot, humid air. It feels like Godzilla is breathing on me.

Repairs are not anticipated to be complete until the end of the week.

Shoot me now.

Celebrity Blogs

What better way to
A) Fall more in love with
B) Stockpile more ammo for mocking
your favorite celebrities than by reading their blogs?

If you read any celebrity blogs, can you please hit me up with a link? I'm all about sharing the love, you guys.

Here are the ones I know about that I love
Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor from The Office)
Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly from The Office)
Michael Ian Black

Here are the ones that I mock
Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP
and my newest, Julia Stiles

The Dunder Mifflin Birthday Party

Yesterday was the big birthday party for one of the bosses at work. We pranked her office...not to Hollywood standards, but to the degree that it was still funny without getting us fired.



You can see the tin foil, the framed photos replaced with Dunder Mifflin photos, bubble wrapped chair, balloons all over the floor, and of course, the staple remover in jello (the stapler was too big and expensive to mess up).

Then we have the filing cabinet covered in I (heart) Jim post its.



We also covered her window in various Office photos, quotes, Schrute bucks, etc. For the party, we served ice cream cake (no Dunder Mifflin birthday fiesta is complete without one), and soft pretzels. That's right, we had our very own pretzel day! To drink, we had some Schrute Farms Beet Cider and Meredith's Special Blend...which turned out to be just apple cider.

The birthday girl was presented with her very own Dundie Award for best scrunchies (she has a basket full of them on her desk) and a World's Best Boss mug.

All of the Office references required an explanation for our non-Office-watching coworkers, but it was still fun even if the drones didn't really get the jokes. Us cool kids were laughing anyway.