Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Abby, You Crack Me Up

Here is today's Dear Abby entry:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.
There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this? -- BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.
DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should "forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire." What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the subject.
Sometimes I really wish I knew the people that write in to Dear Abby. Usually, I just want to smack them upside the head. In this case, it just cracks me up. Writing to Dear Abby (the symbol for old-fashioned, clutch your pearls, you-kids-get-off-my-lawn kind of thinking) for cross dressing advice? Well my stars, I do declare! Will wonders never cease?
Still...I think he's in for a shock. Something tells me that would be a really funny conversation to be a fly on the wall and watch. I have no idea who this couple is, but I really hope she writes back.

They're re-making The Outsiders?

So, which one is playing Pony-Boy, and which one is playing Johnny? I wonder if I will cry when Johnny dies after heroically saving those people in the fire. Who will they get to play the soces? The cast of Gossip Girl?
Seriously, could they be more greased and "tough"? Leather pants? Tight white tee with the sleeves rolled up? I admit...I like the JoBros. I even think they're kind of adorable. But they are boys. Practically babies. The whole "Boys To Men" caption makes me giggle.
So why is someone trying to sex up this little boy with the oil and the Burt Reynolds, circa 1975, pose? Gross.
And while I'm ranting, how come this photo is okay, but the one of Miley Cyrus looking hideous with part of her back showing is considered so risque and inappropriate? THEY ARE THE SAME AGE!

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Proposal

Was very cute and very funny. I saw it with a group - 3 girls/2 guys, and all of us loved it and said that we would each want to buy it on DVD. As we were leaving the theater, I heard many people commenting on how it was better than they expected.

There was only one shirtless scene, which wasn't enough, but it will have to do until I can get my hands on the EW magazine. Is it not officially on newsstands yet? Because the two stores I was at this weekend didn't have it.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


azdlksff sdfkjtneoutr krjth bmerot woery!

(non-sensical gibberish typing while I recover from my apparent stroke)

I'm seeing him in The Proposal on Friday. If there is any justice in the world, he will be (un)dressed like that for 90% of it.

Great-googly-moogly....Those abs!

Ryan Reynolds, I love you. Call me!

Scarlett Johanssen...I hate you.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Call me by my rap name, Rhyme-nocerous

Thanks Nikol! I love Flight of the Conchords!
I'm only halfway through season 1, meaning, I only had disc 1 from Netflix. So far, my fave episode is the mugging. Murray is especially funny in that one too....when they make a missing persons report at the police station, and the cop asks if he talks like a robot...and Murray says "yeah, that's his New Zealand accent". Hilarious!
So many throwaway little jokes. I want to be the Rhyme-nocerous and you can be the HipHop-potamus. Okay?

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Many Uses of Toilet Seat Liners

The air conditioning in my office building has been broken for three days. Even though it is a very mild 70 degrees outside, it is broiling in the office. Something about body heat and computer equipment making it hotter. I couldn't really hear the rest because my ears had melted off. As an added bonus, by the end of the day, my feet turn into giant, swollen, ham hocks, with that nice, sweaty ham smell. Who doesn't love that?

A coworker and I start discussing the gloriousness of casual Fridays when the office is so hot because we can get away with flip-flops. We move on to discussing the need for facial blotting papers, and she remarks on how toilet seat liners work great as blotting paper. Did you know this? It was news to me.

We agreed to show up to our noon meeting wearing an entire toilet sheet stuck to our foreheads with the flap open so we can see.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Further proof that Gwyneth is a douche

From the latest edition of GOOP (Gwyneth Paltrow's newsletter/blog):

The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. ...(recipe follows)
William? WILLIAM!?
You mean, Billy. Effing. Joel?
The guy that the whole world refers to as Billy Joel, and you call him William?
Oh, Gwyneth. Perhaps I should send you a batch of those cookies with a lovely note on hand embossed linen stationery from Crete, with a personal invitation in handwritten calligraphy,
to go eff yourself.

There are bad rumors about me?

One of the Directors of my dept at work approached me as I was leaving work yesterday (late, mind you), and said, all serious like, "I just heard a bad rumor about you".

She was looking all somber and suddenly I felt like I was about to be chastized by the principal, so I my mind started racing for something I could have done wrong, which is totally crazy because I am a model employee and never do anything wrong at work. I mean, I never blog at work or anything! Right?

So then she says "I heard you don't like Twilight?" and looks at me all confused.

Immediately, I go from panic to delight, because someone has brought up one of my favorite topics of discussion! Permission to rant freely!

I say, "let me clarify: I had an absolute blast reading them, even though I thought they were so, so bad, and I verbally trashed them every step of the way, to anyone who would listen. But I still kept reading them, and recruited other people to read them and bash them with me. But yes, I think the author and characters are pretty much awful. I kept wishing someone would just kick Bella in the face. Edward is a creepy stalker, though he is pretty cute in the movie, and I can't wait for the next one. There must be something wrong with me, because I delight in it, but also hate it. "

"But its a love story!" she says.

At this point, I figured there just was no getting through to her (i.e. recruiting her to the dark side), so we discuss imprinting. Puke. Then we discuss how practically every page includes a line about Bella being chagrined or muttering. She told me that she had never noticed before, but now it will all stand out to her (she's on book 3).

So bascially, I have ruined the books for her.

My work is done.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Bonus Jonas

On my drive to work this morning, as I was listening to one of my Jonas Brothers cds for the eleventy-millionth time, I thought to myself...

"gosh, I wish I had more JoBros music to listen to. Because I am in no way too old to be listening to boy bands. It is completely age appropriate for me. I wish there was a new cd coming out."

And guess what, children! Dreams really do come true! Because looky what I found on Amazon

It comes out June 16th! Two weeks! Guess what I'll be spending my allowance, babysitting money, grown-up, successful, career driven paycheck on?

**So how can one person love both Dexter and the Jonas Brothers, you wonder? It's impossible! Those two things don't go together! Let me tell an onion. Lots and lots of layers.

Dexter: One Sexy Serial Killer

So here's my confession: I watch Dexter. If you don't know what Dexter is about, he's basically a guy that works in the Miami homicide crime lab (think CSI guy) that goes and kills other killers that aren't put away in jail. Translation: serial killer. He does this because they are bad, bad people, and Dexter wants them brought to justice. Oh, and maybe because...he was three years old when his mother was sawed to bits with a chainsaw right in front of him, and then he was abandoned there for three days in a pool of her blood before he was rescued. Small detail. Can you say issues? So...yeah, its not exactly a bright and shiny kind of story.

I know what you're thinking...Ew! Kris is a sick freak for watching and enjoying this show, and I'm never going to come back to this blog again! And I would argue that Dexter is certainly no worse than Rock of Love, Charm School, or any of those other VH1 Celebreality shows. Judge not, people!

Let me just share with you why Dexter is so awesome....

The audience knows Dexter is a complete sociopath. Truly. He's a crazy murderer, and he enjoys it. He's very careful and methodic so that he won't get caught, and his knowledge of crime scene evidence makes him very good at covering his tracks. So no one knows his secret, not his coworkers, not his sister (also a cop in the dept), not his girlfriend. No one. The only person who knew was his dead adoptive father (the original cop that found him in the pool of blood), and his dad is the one who trained him to cover his tracks. But here's the thing. You don't want him to get caught. The writing and acting on this show are completely genius, because they manage to make Dexter extremely likeable. And charming. Always with that underlying darkness to his personality.

For example, Dexter's girlfriend is a hardworking single mom with two adorable kids. And he is so great with the kids and treats all of them so well. And we know he would never hurt them, because he only hurts other criminals. So the girlfriend and kids are totally safe with him. Right? He only butchers people in his free time.

Riiiiight. Ok, so there is definitely some flawed logic there, but I'm not kidding, this show is awesome. It originally aired on Showtime, but last year one of the CBS/NBC/ABC networks started airing edited versions of it and I got hooked. Now I'm watching Season 2 on dvd, and it blows my mind almost every episode. Expect the cussing, token female nudity, and a fair amount of blood, just like you would of any Showtime or HBO show.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

MTV Movie Awards

Maybe I'm getting a little old to be watching the MTV Movie Awards. The lame categories, the tween screaming for Robert Pattinson, the Disney kids wearing revealing clothing, Hayden Panetierre's not geared towards my age group anymore (and hasn't been for a good while), so why am I still watching?

I'll tell you why. Because where else can I see Sascha Baron Cohen in character as Bruno, dressed in a white angel costume with a bare butt, soaring above the crowd on a wire harness, only to fall into Eminem's lap, conveniently landing with his butt placed in Eminem's face.

Thanks MTV. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. I don't care if it was scripted or not. That was freaking funny. I had to rewind it to hear what Eminem was saying because I was laughing over the dialogue.

You can read more about it at Best Week Ever.

They also showed a new preview of New Moon. Edward brooding! Jacob shirtless! Squee!