Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gold Medal Crush of the Week

Apolo Anton Ohno

I never thought I would be this excited to watch Olympic speed skating. This is what my husband hears about the Olympics:

"Is men's speed skating on right now?"
"No? When's it going to be on?"
"Make sure you tell me when it's on"
"Ooh, there's Apolo!"
Sigh..."He has the prettiest eyes"
"Doesn't he have the prettiest eyes?"
"And his bone structure! Wow!"
"Are you listening to me?"
"Why are you ignoring me?"
"Yay! Apolo just won a medal!"
Sigh...."He has the prettiest eyes"

Was he this good looking in previous Olympics? Was he this good looking on Dancing With The Stars? Kind of makes me wish I had watched that show. I can't believe those words are coming out of my mouth!

Who do I have to contact to get all of Tiger Woods' old sponsors to sign Apolo instead? Because I definitely want to see more of this guy. Hey, magazine editors, can we get this guy's face on a cover? Stat?

Friday, February 19, 2010

My Vocabulary

In addition to swear words, here are some of the other words and phrases that have become part of my daily vocabulary lately:

Adverse Impact
Underutilization Analysis
Impact Ratio Analysis
Compensation Analysis
Workforce Analysis
Outreach Efforts
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
Office of Federal Contracts and Compliance (OFCCP)

and finally,

Affirmative Action Plan Audit.

Have I struck fear into your heart?

Let me take you back to exactly two weeks ago. Exactly two weeks ago today, a coworker was retiring, and it was her last day of work. She had been in charge of the Affirmative Action Plan for 31 years. On the same day she was retiring, the company received a notice stating that their Affirmative Action Plan was being audited. But this wasn't an ordinary audit, it was a higher level audit that was being highly scrutinized, and additional reports and information were due BECAUSE OUR PREVIOUS PLAN WAS INACCURATE AND INSUFFICIENT.

Basically, we had to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch.

I'll give you one guess as to who the responsibility...nee, honor, of this audit was given to after the coworker's retirement. Did you guess me? This honor was surely bestowed upon me because I was highly trained, skilled, and knowledgeable in this area, right? Yeah....ever hear of the blind, leading the blind?

I'll give you one more guess as to when everything was due. Did you guess today?
It was actually due one week ago, but we begged and begged, and they gave us an additional week. When I say "they", I mean those delightful Federal Government folks.

So today's the day when it is all due. I worked tons of overtime, which I don't get paid for (the joy of being an exempt employee). I have the 175+ page report sitting on my desk as I type. It's done. Hallelujah.

I also have a killer headache, a cranky attitude, and a potty mouth.

Wanna know what the worst part is? I know the audit isn't going to go away just because we prepared the report. They're going to ask for more stuff once they review. And we're going to have to change a ton of our processes, systems & reports.

That means a sh!t ton of more work for me. FCUK.

Friday, February 12, 2010

There Aren't Enough Swear Words In The English Language

If I didn't need medical benefits for my family, I would quit my job. TODAY.

I'm thinking of starting a new career of collecting aluminum cans on the beach. Sounds nice, doesn't it? No stress, make my own hours, and get a tan.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gross Grey's

Dear ABC, Shonda Grimes, and Grey's Anatomy writers,

In the name of all that is good and holy, can you please stop showing these two mashing their faces and gentials together on tv? They have the chemistry of hard-boiled eggs and three-bean chili, and that's just stinky and gross. I honestly can't bear to watch them, and I cover my eyes in disgust. It's like watching your grandma get a lap dance. Some things just aren't tasteful for public viewing.

Also? Ginger balls. Nuff said.


Thursday, February 4, 2010



I feel like I need a LOST For Dummies manual. I've watched since the beginning, but can someone please explain this show to me?

Smoke monsters; time traveling; electromagnetic button reset codes; hatches; Dharma; drowning people in dirty, healing water; Kate trying to eye hump all the hot men; Kate actually humping all the hot men; talking to dead people; Others; Original 70s Dharma Others; Temple Others; crazy french jungle chick; disappearing island; underwater island; Jin learning English in like a week; Jacob, John Locke & Ben Linus all being completely confusing and awesome at the same time; etc.

I'm too invested to give up now. I hate you, LOST writers. After LOST is over, I hope the only jobs you can get are writing those crappy SyFy channel movies about the chupacabra.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Facebook Doppelganger

After hearing about all the different colors of bras the ladies on Facebook are wearing (I free-boob it, by the way), this is my favorite new fad.

Change your profile picture to your celebrity doppelganger, or any celebrity that you've been told you look like.

This has been somewhat illuminating and surprisingly accurate. I recently had a conversation about this topic with some girlfriends over dinner (Happy Birthday, Nikol!). See, I've never been told that I look like any celebrities, but I often joke that in 10 years, I will look like this:

(complete with facial hair). So I was going to use Mickey Rourke as my celebrity doppelganger.

But then Nikol blurted out that I look like Kristy McNichol (which led to a whole conversation about The Pirate Movie, and plans to watch it together, but I digress). At first I thought Nikol was crazy, but then I found this picture, and it might not be so crazy after all.

Those of you that know me in real life, what do you think?

If you say I actually really do resemble Mickey Rourke a little bit, you're dead to me.