Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Happy Blah-nniversary

Yesterday was my 14th wedding anniversary.

My husband and I both procrastinated on making any real plans, and by the time we got our acts together, it was too late and we had to cancel plans anyway.  Both of the kids were sick.  Like whiny, snotty, listless, needy, full blown emotional breakdown sick.  I can't even count how many times they burst into tears over something completely insignificant.  I got home from work, and this is how the rest of my evening went:

Kate:  (loud sneeze, snot spraying everywhere)
Emma:  (whiny voice) She sneezed on me! 
Me:  She didn't mean to.  Kate, try to cover your mouth next time.
Kate:  I can't help it!  Why is everyone being mean to me?  WAAAHHH!
Emma:  She's being too loud!  She's hurting my ears!  WAAAHHHH!

Here are some other variations:

Emma:  Where's my pillow pet?  I want my pillow pet.
Me:  It's right there on the couch where you left it.
Emma:  Why won't you give it to me?  I don't want to get it.  WAAAHHHH!

Kate:  I'm hungry.
Me:  It's already bedtime, so you can have a banana or a piece of bread.
Kate:  I want pudding. 
Me:  No.  It's banana or bread, those are your choices.
Kate:  FINE.  Bread.
Me:  (hands her a slice of bread)
Kate:  I don't like the crust!  (angrily starts pulling off the crust and rips the bread in half in the process)  My bread is RIPPED!  WAAAHHH!

It went like that the whole night until we got them into bed.  I won't even get into the battle we had with both of them over putting Vicks Vapo Rub on their chests.  Let's just say they were doing their best Gollum impressions by shrieking "IT BURNS US!"  over and over.  By the time we tucked them in, my husband and I were so tense and worn out that we just wanted to veg on the couch.  We agreed to rent Hot Tub Time Machine via Cox OnDemand, because even going out to rent a video would have been too much work.  And nothing says romance like Hot Tub Time Machine, right?  Tell me what kind of person wouldn't be overcome with love and passion for their spouse after watching John Cusack eat magic mushrooms, snort coke, and drop Efron-bombs every two seconds.  We could barely contain ourselves.

This weekend we have big plans to celebrate though.  We're flying to San Fran to stay at a swanky hotel to have romantic meals, walks along the harbor, and a segway tour. 

Just kidding.  Sure sounds nice though, doesn't it.

We might go back the The Fair (which is actually kind of an anniversary tradition for us), and we also really, really want to see The Last Airbender.  I told you I was a nerd.  A Nickelodeon cartoon nerd even.

Next year is the big 15 anniversary though, so we will be doing something special.  Something that doesn't involve sick kids, or kids whatsoever. I'm thinking some sort of vacation might be in order.  Somewhere tropical or European, maybe?

Dumbledore Would Be So Proud

I saw this car the other day near my work and just had to take a photo of the license plate.  Can you read it?  It says:


I think taking this photo and posting it confirms that I am, without a doubt, 100% nerd.

Expecto Patronum and Wingardium Leviosa!

Monday, June 21, 2010

More Grease Please!

The Del Mar Fair marks the opening of summer in San Diego county.  I look forward to it every year.  I manage to eat $60 worth of corn dogs, bbq corn-on-the-cob, cinnamon rolls, blooming onions, waffle cones, and candy.  In recent years, The Fair features a new, novelty, battered and deep fried food.  It gets lots of hype and news coverage.  Local tv stations interview people about it and get man-on-the-street reviews.  Past fried food products have included: the twinkie, the oreo, the pop tart, the chicken & donut bun sandwich, the klondike bar, etc.

Last year they added chocolate covered bacon, which isn't really battered and fried, but looks equally disgusting.  Just look at it.

I think I scooped some of that off my lawn this weekend. 

This year the featured battered and fried product is BUTTER.  Seriously.  Look.  I think the sign says it all.

I heard lots of people talking about the fried butter, but never saw anyone actually eat it.  My faith in humanity was restored. 

Then I remembered that it was a human that came up with this idea in the first place.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Laura Bush Made Me Cry

My Grandma sends me a subscription to Ladies Home Journal every year. Isn’t that cute? Sadly, I usually slack off on reading it because my US Weekly magazines are just so much more juicy. I mean, who is Sandra Bullock eating lunch with? Are Madonna and Gwyneth really fighting? Who is Kate Hudson humping dating this week? These are questions I need answers to on a weekly basis. And since US Weekly is a weekly magazine, my monthly Ladies Home Journal editions get put to the bottom of the pile. After a while, they get crinkled and dusty, or I use them as coasters and they get those wet cup rings all over. Sometimes my kids mistake them for coloring books and all the words end up scribbled over, and I just throw it away recycle it without even reading. But not the June issue! I’ve already read it cover to cover, and I have to say, I really enjoyed it. Even without the celeb gossip and polls about who looked better in the same Marc Jacobs dress. 

There was an article on Laura Bush’s autobiography which included a few excerpts from her book. One of the excerpts really touched me. (I’m being serious now). Did you know that Laura and George W. struggled with infertility before having their twin girls? I never knew, or at least, never paid attention. Anyway, I really like what she has to say about it.

The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence.” For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

Wow. For anyone who has ever been in that situation, I wonder if you relate to that as much as I did.

Side note: For those who don't know, it took me 6 dark years to conceive my twin girls, who are now 5 years old.  They are my sunshine.  (awwww!)

Friday, June 11, 2010

McDonald's 42 oz Diet Coke for $0.79, I Salute You

My soda, tis of thee
Sweet drink of sugar-free,
Of thee I sing
Land of the arches pride
Land of McDonald’s drive
Forty-two ounce, the size!
Let soda fizz!

To Ronald McDonald and the employees (especially Roberta, the transvestite in the drive thru with the ghettofabulous acrylic nails) at the location one block away from my office, THANK YOU for selling your extra large sodas for only $0.79.  I get one every morning before I come to work, and even when I am running late, it takes less than 60 second to scrounge up my $0.86 (tax) and get out of the drive thru.  I know, soda in the morning might sound kinda gross, but it's basically my version of coffee.  I admit, I have a little bit of a diet soda addiction, but hey, whattaya gonna do?  Nobody's perfect.  Besides, am I really supposed to be able to resist at those prices?  And why is it that McDonald's fountain drinks always taste better than other places?  The nearby 7/11 fountain drinks taste like metal.  Blech.

Anyway, McDonald's and your employees...keep up the good work!  Love you!


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dear Mother Nature,

You are an evil beast.

First off, having a "cycle" every 23 days for several months is straight up cold and cruel.  I mean, what did I ever do to you?  Nothing.  But whatever, I got used to it.

So now you think it's funny to change things up a little?  Like I amuse you?  Like I'm a clown to you?  Do you see my face?  I. am. not. amused.

Seriously?  31 days?  Really?  REALLY?

Let me do the math for you, Mother Nature...that is 8 freaking days late.  EIGHT.  That's kind of a big deal for someone like me.  For normal people?...not a big deal.  But for me?  Huge.  Which of course, was the day after I bought the home pregnancy test.  It was, in fact, the morning I planned to use said test.  Nice one.  You really got me good.  Ha effing ha.  The cramps are a nice touch too, by the way.

I bet you and the Tampax people are laughing your asses off.

Not that I was trying to get pregnant.  But I wasn't exactly preventing it either.  You know, infertility issues and all?  I mean, there's still always a chance, so you had me wondering.

Still not amused,

P.S.  If this is in response to unknowingly letting my nephew fall off a 12-ft rock...well....I'll have you know that he was weird to begin with, so you can't blame that on me.

Monday, June 7, 2010

8 Adults and 9 Kids

Yesterday some of my husband's family got together with some distant cousins who were visiting from Utah. We met at a park so that the kids could play and the adults could chat.  Most of us had never met before.  The park had a great playground with tons of play equipment, including a giant 12ft-high boulder for kids to climb on.  It was a nice afternoon and we had been there close to 2 hours when my youngest nephew, age 4, came running up to my mother-in-law and said:

"Grandma!  Grandma!  I fell off the rock and I didn't get any owies!  Not on my body OR my head!"

None of us saw a thing.