Friday, May 29, 2009

Public Service Announcement

Blossom (Mayim Bialik) gets a makeover on the season premiere of What Not To Wear, tonight at 9pm on TLC.

Yes, that Blossom. The one with the flowered floppy hat and funky clothes, on that 90s show called Blossom.

My favorite part of the interview is where Clinton Kelly says this of working with Blossom: ...she’s really a sweet person, just smart. As if it justifies why she was in need of a fashion makeover. Like we're all supposed to nod our heads in understanding and as if to say, Oh, she's smart. Yes, smart people are sooo frumpy. Just watch Beauty & The Geek.

I don't even watch What Not To Wear, but they totally hooked me with making over an ex-90s fashion icon to girls between the ages of 12-17, turned obscure frumpy neuroscientist.

Do you like free stuff as much as me?

I see lots of blogs with all kinds of cool giveaways. And I think to myself, this person is so cool to be popular enough and connected enough to get hooked up with free stuff, and they're going to give it away to other people? All I can say to that!
I love a good deal, especially when that good deal is completely free. Hello...I went all the way to the QVC Beauty Bash in freaking Pennsylvania just to score some beauty products. Which, when you think about the airfare, hotel, rental car, entertainment, and food would have been cheaper for me to just buy the products outright. But, whatever. Where's the fun in that? It makes the story better when I say everything was free, right?

And when I came back from that Beauty Bash, I said that I had some extras/duplicates/things that I will never use, and I said that I would be giving those things away to my wonderful and deserving friends, right? And have you received a single Beauty Bash goodie from me? No. You have not. Because I am stingy and mean, and I like to taunt and tease you with all my awesome free stuff.

But I do love giveaways, so I would like to have a giveaway of my own. Starting right now, I am giving away ONE HUNDRED GAZILLION SCHRUTE BUCKS to one lucky grand prize winner.

Please, save your awe and praise, because there's more!

I will also be awarding one lucky runner-up.....TWO GAZILLION STANLEY NICKELS!

So cool, right? How freaking generous am I? All you have to do is decide what you're going to spend them on!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Just how dumb do you think I am, Will Smith?

During my lazy Memorial Day weekend, I finally got around to watching Seven Pounds, which Netflix sent to me, oh, about 6 weeks ago.
Let me just preface this by saying that Will Smith is adorable and I am pretty much on board with any movie he is in. Pretty much. That is, until now.
I sat through 2 hours of this dull and dreary movie that I had figured out after 10-20 minutes. I announced what I predicted was going to happen and complained that it was boring and my husband promised me that it would get a lot better. When? It still took the entire 2 hours to reveal the plot and the big (surprise!) twist. And throughout that entire 2 hours, Will Smith comes off as creepy and weird. I much prefer my Will Smith to be charming and adorable, thank you.
WARNING: Spoilers ahead!
So just how dumb do you think I am, Will Smith?....Death by jellyfish? Like I wasn't supposed to see that one coming when the character keeps a jellyfish in a tank and casually mentions that his father once told him that it was the deadliest creature on the planet? And I wasn't supposed to catch on that he is stalking the people that need heart, kidney, bone marrow, and eye transplants because he intends to commit suicide (via said jellyfish) and donate his organs to these goodly and deserving people? Like I was supposed to be surprised that blind Woody Harrelson would show up at the end, no longer blind, with (gasp!) brown eyes? Clue alert, Captain Obvious: We already figured out your surprise twist ending!
Por Favor, Will, go back to the big blockbuster summer movies that I love you in. Find a role where your charming and funny character overcomes tragedy by gaining super powers that save the planet from eminent destruction by challenging alien invaders to a boxing match where you are the underdog, but miraculously manage to deliver a massive TKO punch, thus uniting mankind and electing you President of Earth, becoming the richest and most powerful man on the planet....with a heart of gold. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay, or M. Night Shayamalan.
Cause I might pay to see that.

TGI Weekend

Memorial Day weekend was pretty awesome for me. Three full days of not a whole lot going on, but just enough so that I wasn't bored. Husband went up the coast to see his brother graduate from college on Friday, so it was just me and the kiddos until Saturday night. So here is my list of things that I loved over the weekend.

10. Baking pink cupcakes with the kiddos on Friday night and customizing the frosting in pink & blue for their favorite colors. Delicious and fun!

9. Doing some minor shopping on Saturday & having the kids beg me to go home. Naps for everybody! Mommy included!

8. Watching Mamma Mia while the kids played in their room/outside, but having them come back to dance and sing along to most of the muscial numbers.

7. Driving to the airport while listening to Mamma Mia soundtrack...more singing and dancing from the kids.

6. Husband being all mushy and schmoopsy once we picked him up.

5. Taking kids to see Night At The Museum 2, and having them be all cuddly in our laps during the entire movie.

4. Sleeping in until 10:30 am. 10:30! And it was real sleep too. The kids were quiet, the dog was quiet. I drooled on my pillow.

3. Dinner with girlfriends at Casa De Pico. Why don't we do this more often? We really should.

2. Lazy afternoon at Grammy's pool. Beautiful day outside, slightly pink shoulders to prove it.

1. Sleeping in until 10:30 am for TWO DAYS IN A ROW! Does that count as sloth and gluttony? Sleeping in like that just doesn't exist when kids come along. I feel like the laziest slug that ever died and went to slug heaven. Weird dreams. More drool. Note to self: get a clean pillowcase.

How was your weekend?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Best Workout Songs

Exercise is my least favorite activity, and I struggle to stay motivated. Good music is key to a good workout, so I'm trying to come up with an awesome playlist to keep me pepped up and moving. Here's what I've come up with so far. Some have inspiring lyrics, some are just super peppy and high speed, some are from movies with great dance scenes. I need more ideas, so I'd love to know what your favorite workout songs are, too.

Good Vibrations – Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch (this is THE ultimate workout song. Can you feel it, baby?)
Canned Heat – Jamiroquai
Push It – Salt N Pepa
Maniac – Michael Sembello (leg warmers and ripped sweatshirt not required)
Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
Footloose – Kenny Loggins
Baby Got Back – Sir Mix A Lot
Click Click – English Beat (even includes lyrics that say: faster, Faster, FASTER!)
Anything Anything – Dramarama (good for getting out aggression)
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough – Michael Jackson
Freedom 90 – George Michael
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen
Boom! Shake the Room – DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince
All Night Long - AC/DC

Thursday, May 14, 2009

You're Hired!

Part of my job includes reviewing job applications and yesterday I came across a real gem.

Have you ever been discharged from employment or asked to resign?
Yes. I told my boss to get f#%&*ed.

The applicant also listed three references as people she met while on vacation.

I wish I were making this up. It's not like I work at Dumb Mart or something either. I work for a college campus. Academia. Educated people.

On the other hand, I bet she's tons of fun on a vacation!

I suddenly HATE Fergie

all because of these two lines.....
We so three-thousand-and-eight
You so two-thousand-and-late
I find these lines completely obnoxious. Please. Two-thousand-and-late? In your ghetto voice?It's like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard, and it makes me want to sew her mouth closed. Then she goes on to sing...
People in the plaaaace
If you wanna get doooown
Put your haaaands in the air
Wil-I-Am, drop the beat now


Josh Duhamel deserves so much better.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A letter to my husband regarding Transformers

Dear Husband,

Lately we have been seeing a lot of ads and things for the new Transformers movie coming out June/July. I am probably just as excited about seeing it as you are, maybe even more so, because my Shia crush has been well documented. This will be a huge summer blockbuster, and a huge promotional campaign, hence the various Transformers logos that I have been pointing out to you recently. However, it seems that each time I point and say "ooh, Tranformers", you correct me with either "Autobots" or "Decepticons". Apparently there is a slight distinction, which I have failed to notice.

Normally, it would kind of annoy me to be constantly corrected. But in this case, it sort of delights me. Because it means that this is one of those rare occasions where you are actually a bigger nerd than me. Your Transformers fandom is on a higher geek plane than mine. And now I am less nerdy. In comparison, I am the cool one.

Thanks, you made my day.


Your way cool wife

P.S. I realize that my inherent coolness is short-lived and will completely evaporate when Harry Potter comes out and I wear my "Voldemart: Always Evil, Always" t-shirt to the theater.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Excuse me sir, your alien baby is oozing

30 year old man gives birth to his own parasitic twin...through his belly button!


The whole parasitic twin phenomena is so fascinating and so, soooo gross. But when they start to erupt from your abdomen, that is just sick and wrong. And it makes me wonder what kind of damage it does to these peoples' psyche to discover something like that. Like, are they going to be hypochondriacs and worry about every single bug bite or stomach pain and wonder if its some sort of parasite waiting to burst out of their gut?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Why do Aerobics Instructors Hate Me?

I have spent the last 10 years trying to avoid exercise at all costs. Aside from my flabby gut and muffin top, I have enjoyed it. I like eating, and I especially enjoy eating junk. But lately my pants have been complaining a wee bit. It seems I am stressing them out and asking just a little too much of them.

So I bought a gym membership.

Because I'm not one of those women who can discipline herself enough to stand in her living room, with her family all around, doing lunges to a video. I will always, ALWAYS find something better to do at home, if left with the time and opportunity to do so. After all, the couch is just right there. And the tv is already on. Why not catch up on all those shows I have saved on the DVR? And running? Don't get me started on running. I. Hate. It. The only way you can get me to run is to sneak up on me with some sort of weapon and chase me. I have never understood the point of a marathon, nor the enjoyment one would get out of it. Running, just for the purpose of running? Ick. And Hell No.

So I've been going to the gym for the past two weeks. I force myself to do it since I already paid for the membership. And I force myself to take classes, because I know I am lazy and if left on my own to work on a machine, I will not push myself. So I take the classes because I know the instructor will push me. But man, do they have to be so sadistic? These tiny, compact little women are like the Devil's minions. They tell me, "you can do 10 MORE push-ups and 30 MORE lunges. You can do it! DO IT! PUSH!" Really? Have you seen my ass? You really think I can do all that already? In addition to the weights and the bouncing and the kicking you've already had me do? I just started! Let me pace myself a bit and work up to all that.


It's not like I want to have Madonna arms.

Or get all beefy, like this guy.

I'm really just doing it so I don't have to buy bigger pants. So I can keep eating my Schwan's ice cream and popsicles. It's been two weeks, and my muscles have been sore, and I have been exhausted. And you know what?
I've GAINED two pounds.
My friend says it's muscle, which is what I've been consoling myself with. But still, it's not like my pants are fitting looser or anything. (sigh) I'm going back tomorrow, and I bet those tight little biznatches laugh maniacally and wring their hands together every time they see me walk in the door. Well, you just wait, because give me some time and I'm gonna kick Pilates' ass. Believe it.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

How Will You Die quiz?

Another thing that made me laugh this week was a quiz on "How Will You Die?" Just what I've always wanted to know! What will be the most likely cause of my death!

But instead of heart disease and car crash related questions, this quiz asks really insightful, helpful, and relevant questions like:

1. You wake up in the middle of the night because you heard a sound. What's the first thing that you assumed made the sound?

  • Maybe one of your art tools fell.

  • I probably knocked my glass of water next to my bed.

  • Zombie?!

  • Maybe someone knocked on the door and they need help.

  • Did I leave the heater on? Did it fall over?!

2. If you could have one power what would it be?

  • Pew pew lazers from your eyes.

  • To place lethal curses on people.

  • To be able to freeze things.

  • To ressurect beings.

  • Super strength.

Ok, so really it was just the Zombie and the "pew pew" part of the responses that really made me laugh. But it made me laugh really hard. And those were totally my choices too. And it turns out I'm going to be crushed my a sumo wrestler. Looks like I won't need all that zombie ammo that I bought.

All your life you just wanted to help people. One night you will walk down to the support group you founded for people that are trying to lose weight. As you walked up the stairs to the room that the evening session was taking place in you started thinking about how a zombified velociraptor would look like. All of a sudden the door above you bursts open and the most unsuccessful person in the group comes flying down the stairs wailing his head off. It turns out that he couldn't speak English and he thought that your group was the Professional Sumo Organization but someone broke the news to him in a very unpleasant way. As he hits the second step from the top an earthquake hits. "Perfect timing" you will say, followed by the longest, and last sigh you will ever make.

LolCats and Dogs

When something makes you laugh as much as these two photos did, you just gotta share.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear Hugh Jackman,

Did it hurt?
....when you fell from heaven?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Ode to M.A.C. by Kelly Kapoor

This lovely poem was included in my latest Dunder Mifflin, Scranton newsletter. It was written by my favorite customer service rep from The Office, Kelly Kapoor. We share a love for makeup, though I have honestly never tried anything by MAC. It may have something to do with the blaring music and the fact that the sales reps are usually heavily tattooed, pierced, and coated in blue eyeshadow. Though I do hear their lip gloss is fantastic!

When life totally blows and I'm in a dark place,
When nothing can lift my spirits - not even MySpace.
There's one place I can go for a positive encounter,
I grab my credit card and head to the MAC counter.

Dressed in black, your make-up artists embrace androgyny,
They too delight in my favorite science: cosmetology.
I sample your gloss, eye shadow, foundation and mascara,
I buy your products to look like Christina Aguilera.

MAC makes you look edgy and cool, gives you mystique,
It's way better than lame-o Covergirl, Revlon, or Clinique.
I love it more that Britney, General Hospital and Tyra.
Who knows, maybe I'll get a job at MAC after I retire-a.

MAC gives a girl that much-needed dose of glam that I admire,
With my face done, I feel like a celebrity in the pages of The Enquirer.
Sometimes I buy online and my makeup's delivered via FedEx,
There will always be special place in my heart for MAC cosmetics..