Thursday, April 15, 2010

Beauty Bash Bound

After this weekend, I will be covered in pounds of free makeup, skin care, and hair care products. I'm bringing an extra suit case just for the loot. I hope it gets filled to the brim!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Glee Vogue

"Will Shuester, I. HATE. YOU."


As much as I love Sue Sylvester, the real star of that video was Kurt. He was fab! Also, did you catch his reaction to Finn singing The Doors on the show? All googly and twitterpated? That was my favorite part! I think I may have a platonic, beard crush on Kurt....

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sweet Weekly Love

Monday night is my night to cook.
Tuesdays we go and visit your mother.
But Wednesday night is the night we make
Sweet Weekly Love. - "Business Time" Flight of the Conchords

Forget about must see TV on Thursdays. Thursdays are over. FACT: Tuesday is the best night for TV. Two reasons: Glee and Justified.

Glee is back tonight after way too long of a hiatus. Like, so long that even a Gleek like me kinda stopped caring. Harsh, I know. But those are the facts. However, I'm certain I will be sucked back in at the first Laaa-la-laa. Or the first slushie in the face. Or the first sighting of Puck. Or the first burn by Sue Sylvester. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, this is mandatory viewing. MANDATORY, people.

Now, you may not know a lot about Justified. It's another crime show, it's set in the South, and the main character wears a giant cowboy hat. But I'm telling you, Justified is great. And not just because Timothy Olyphant has this whole smoldery, hot, southern charm thing going on. But really, DAAAAAMMMMMMN! That boy is working it. So that helps.

If you have HBO or Showtime, or whatever cable channel Deadwood was on, you might say to yourself "yeah, yeah. I've seen Timothy Olyphant work the cowboy hat thing before." And I would reply "No, you haven't".

See the distinction?:

Justified - hot & smoldery

Deadwood - Snidely Whiplash

Other than Timothy Olyphant being in it, the only other thing I know about Deadwood is there was LOTS of cussing, mustaches, and prostitutes. Justified just has a lot of hillbilly rednecks and one fine looking US Marshall to round 'em all up and take 'em to the pokey. But also, it's funny.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Even Hitler is Team Bullock

"When your body looks like a dirtbag's binder from 7th grade auto shop, it doesn't bode well for your character"

I love you, Tina Fey.

I Wish I Could Quit You

What's the deal, Costco?!

Obviously, I have a Costco addition. I went to TWO Costcos this weekend. And you know what I found at both stores?....Red effing Velvet Cake. So now I know FOR SURE that you've been messing with me, Costco.

But then, I found this:

A peace offering? A delicious vanilla chai flavored peace offering? With 40g of protein? For me?

Sometimes, being a Costco whore does have its benefits. I didn't buy the cake, but I bought FOUR bottles of the vanilla chai. AND a platter of chocolate croissants.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

I Do Not Sniff Da Coke

I'm in my 30s. Ok, my mid 30s. I sorta thought I was past the age when being a dipshit was "cool".

I was talking with a coworker, and the subject of drugs came up. I don't really remember how the subject came up. Maybe we were talking about the mandatory company drug awareness training or something. But anyway, the subject came up...and I mentioned that I have never done drugs. Ever.

My new coworker...who is in her 30s, and married with kids...called me a square and actually drew an air square with her fingers. Then proceeded to tell me about her and her husband doing all kinds of drugs in high school and college.


Oh yeah? Well....were you Presidente of el Club de Espanol? Were you disecting a cat in AP Biology? Did you work at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Did you go dancing on weekends? Like, to church dances, where you had to get interviewed by a Bishop, and wear a skirt that was at least to your knees?

Cause that's what I was doing in high school. And my mom thinks I was pretty cool.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Damn You, Costco! Damn You Straight to HELL!

Dear Costco,

I thought we were friends. I thought we understood each other. When my twins were babies, you were there for me. You offered carts with TWO baby seats, and I thought I had found a safe place of trust. You GOT me. My needs, my wants, my desires. You offered high quality diapers and baby wipes in bulk, and it brought tears of joy to my eye.

Over the years, that friendship has blossomed. You opened my eyes to steamed edamame, decent tasting frozen lasagne, and those cool boxes of crafty greeting cards. I will never have to shop for a birthday card again, and I love you for that. Costco, I've loved you so much that I gave up shopping at a regular grocery store. Goodbye Vons, Fresh & Easy, and Albertsons. Because if Costco doesn't carry it, I probably don't need it.

But this time you've crossed the line. You hurt me. You hurt me bad. I...I just don't know if I can look at you the same ever again.

A couple weeks ago I saw what looked like a delicious, mouth watering, red velvet cake for sale. This was no ordinary red velvet was HUGE. With cream cheese frosting. And it was only $9.99. I wanted that cake so bad. I tried to think of excuses to buy it. I'd bring it to dinner with my friends, the Dodsons, but Kelly Dodson doesn't really like cake, so that wouldn't work. I'd bring it to Easter dinner with my family, but my mom was counting on a fresh strawberry dessert, so that wouldn't work. Finally, I found my potluck! I was the first one to sign up, and I told my coworkers about the Costco cake that I was dying to try. I was so excited!

So today is the big potluck, and I went last night to buy my cake. But....where was the cake? I couldn't find it anywhere. You decided not to make them anymore? Without any kind of notice? Without even a sample? I get were just teasing me, and then right when I wanted it most, you yanked it away.


I made Nikol's peanut butter bars instead. I'm sure they're delicious, but they are sprinkled with the salty tears of your betrayal.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Weekend Movie Review

Friday night I had a date with my husband. He picked the movie...Clash Of The Titans. After it was over, I nervously asked him what he thought of it and braced myself for "it was AWESOME!". He said it was pretty cheesy and lame, that he probably liked the Harry Hamlin version better, and he could have done without the crappy, imitation sleestacks and Lord Voldemort.

Agreed. Thumbs down. I'm sorry I doubted you, honey.

To make up for the crappy movie, we watched Roll Bounce. I heart Roll Bounce. What's not to love about a movie revolving around the late 70s roller disco craze? Throw in Chi McBride as the lovable, suburban dad and lots of jokes about yo momma, paper routes, What's Happenin', polyester, afros, and coming home when the streelights come on.

Thumbs up!

It made me long for my white roller skates with the Strawberry Shortcake emblem and the days when RollerSkateLand and Aquarius RollArena were open. I look forward to a day when I can use the jokes I heard in that movie in my every day life.

"Don't tell me you didn't hear me...with them big 'ol ears, you probably heard the sun come up this morning."

Rollllll Bounce. Allllll Skate.

Monday, April 5, 2010

I Like My Translation Better

Turns out, I'm not cool like a Klondike bar, and no one wants to give me signed NPH posters or free movie tickets. Waaah! Instead, the comments translate into Confucious style fortune cookie responses, to which I still need a translation:

Guard your heart, better than all the conservative, because life's outcome, issued by the heart

He who would climb the ladder must begin at the bottom

Proud people, listening to footsteps know.

It turned out that the world can talk to you people who shared a taste of a joke really so rare

Even adding "in bed" to the end of my fortune cookie comments still didn't make these funny. Except maybe that climbing the ladder from the bottom one. And then...ew.

To My Asian Friends

I wish I could read the comments written in Chinese characters. I like to imagine that they say:

Kris, you are cooler than a Klondike bar, being eaten by a polar bear sitting on an igloo. Would you like my signed Glee poster of Neil Patrick Harris's guest-starring role and free tickets to see Hot Tub Time Machine?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Friday, April 2, 2010

It's Not Paranoia...Dentists ARE Out To Get Me

It all started back before I was born. In utero, in fact. There I was, just a happy little fetus, floating around, when BAM! Mom's appendix ruptured. Suddenly she was having surgery.

By the time my teeth were coming in, I was already getting cavities. I have practically no enamel on my teeth. Thanks 70s psychedelic drugs and antibiotics! Almost every doctors appt as a child included the drill. Being a kid, I just assumed this was normal. Then came the retainers. Varying in size and level of humiliation. I'm totally not kidding when I tell you that in 6th grade, I had this enormous retainer contraption that was honestly the size of my fist. I think I still have it somewhere. It should be part of a museum exhibit on child torture and humiliation. It was impossible to get it in or out without splitting a lip, and it was almost impossible to talk. I was supposed to wear this ALL DAY except when I ate. Combine this with the ugly haircut I had that year, and I'm surprised anyone ever talked to me. My teachers applauded me for being in mainstream classes instead of special ed. Did I mention the "oral therapy" that I had too? It involved what I like to call mouth gymnastics. Things like lifting weights with your tongue and lips, and swallowing while holding a rubber band on the roof of your mouth. It sounds incredibly glamorous and sexy, right? Since my hair had grown out, you'd think I'd be as popular as the girls that could tie cherry stems into knots. I think my parents and dentist/orthodontist saw what was about to happen, so the next year I got braces. The brackets were actually designed for equine use, because they were the largest brackets humanly possible. Goodbye popularity.

During the summer between 8th and 9th grade, I had major reconstructive jaw surgery. My case was actually used as a medical journal case study. It was an 8 hour surgery in which they cut my upper jaw into 3 places, implanted bone from my hip, and removed part of my lower jaw because it was growing longer on the right side. They lined everything up and wired me shut. After the surgery, I was so swollen and numb that I couldn't open my eyes, but I heard my brother start to cry when he saw me. Nothing boosts your confidence like a 16 year old boy crying at the sight of you. If Leatherface were a 14 year old girl, we would have been twins. My bottom lip was so fat, swollen and heavy that it hung open. I couldn't drink or even contain drool. I had to hold a rag up to my mouth to keep from drooling everywhere. It took me all summer to recover. I could hardly eat or drink, so I got really skinny. I had no energy to do anything, so I sat on the couch watching crappy movies and soaps, and passed time by teaching myself how to french braid my hair. I looked forward to getting the wires removed so that I could open my mouth and eat. Too bad I didn't understand what the process of getting the wires removed was. The wires are basically woven or sewn into the gums around each tooth root to hold it in place. At intervals of about every 3rd or 4th tooth, there is a little loop of wire sticking out of the gums. So to remove the wire, they snip the little loop, and then PULL THE WIRE OUT OF YOUR GUMS WITH PLIERS. Without novacaine. And this process is repeated until all the wires are gone. This may be the point when I split into a second personality to block out the trauma.

In 10th grade, I finally got my braces off and just had to wear a little retainer. My orthodontia was pretty much over. I was traumatized, but got through it okay. I am left with enough screws, pins, chains, and plates in my jaw to warrant a strip search and bomb squad at the airport metal detector. I also have severe TMJ, a jaw that pops and locks when storms come, a scar on my hip, and a small numb spot on my chin from nerve damage.

Now that I am an adult, I am terrified of the dentist. Who can blame me? I brush and floss, but still get cavities. I have nightmares about all my teeth crumbling out of my head and aliens implanting devices in my teeth. I specifically looked for a dentist that offers gas and sedation. They offer me gas for everything, even just a cleaning. I think I've only turned them down once. A few days ago, one of my many fillings broke and I had to go in to get it repaired. It will need a crown, but not before we find out if it will require a root canal. I've got a 50/50 chance. I'm on antibiotics just in case.

Now who wants to make out?

BlogCon Anaheim 2010

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.

How do you get a bunch of Lady Bloggers to meet?
Offer them mexican food and Disneyland.

Karen, Kristin, Kristina, Melanie, and Nikol, it was so much fun and totally worth the traffic that I had to sit through to get there. Nothing was going to stop me from eating my weight in chips and salsa. Errr, I mean...nothing was going to stop me from meeting you. Kristin claims there was horrible traffic on her end too, but I think she just stopped to go shoe shopping on the way.

During the evening, I learned two things:

1. My eyes were opened to a product called the Vajazzler. It's like a bedazzler for your lady garden.

2. I am apparently the Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters master. It was like I was Chuck, and I had an "intersect flash" and suddenly became completely awesome and unbeatable. Grasshoppers, I must teach you the way of the Astro Blaster.