Monday, November 15, 2010

10 Reasons Why I Am One Of The Whitest Women In America

1.  I LOVE twin sets/cardigans.  I would wear one every day, if I could.  I've even been known to wear them with pearls on occasion.  Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart.

2.  I've read all the Twilight books.  I hated them, but I still get credit for reading them.

3.  Some people like to shop on Amazon, I like shop on QVC.  Like, a lot.  I visit their headquarters annually like it's a pilgrimage to Mecca.  I've been known to have discussions about which hosts I like/hate.  Have you seen Patti Reilly?  She's adorable.  Shawn Killinger?  Ugh.

4.  I send cookies to people as gifts.

5.  I slutted it up and wore a Winnie the Pooh costume to work for Halloween.  I have no street cred.  That's me and Garfield doing an ironic belly bump.  Which somehow I manage to make look even more awkward and nerdy.  My Mexican coworker (Garfield) calls me Huera which is slang for "white girl".
BTW, that costume has a PADDED belly, thankyouverymuch.

6.  I know the punch lines to 100s of Ole & Lena jokes.  It's a midwestern thing. 

7.  It took me a long time to figure out what a "shorty" was.

8.  Tina Fey is my idol.

9.  My 5 year old can roll her "R"s and has a better Spanish accent than I do.  I am too embarrassed by my sucky accent to order in Spanish at the taco shop.  But I have no problem using my limited Spanish to talk to my housekeeper about whether the dishes or laundry are limpio or sucio.

10.  I have a blog, on which I post about the marvels of Carmex lotion and frozen crepes from Ikea.

But guess what, guys?  My honky days are over.  Thanks to the Microsoft store, and their new Kinect dancing game display at the local mall, I have discovered that I am no longer one of the whitest women in America.

Watching those hueras try to dance the merengue to Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" has made me realize that I have nothing, NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Even though I will never, ever dance to that game in the middle of the mall with everyone watching, I KNOW I will kill it with my mad dancing skillz.  And now I really want that game, just so I can prove it to myself.

Also, a big thank you to Mr. Whitey himself, Bill Gates, and those fine Microsoft Kinect engineers for teaching me Pitbull's name.  This white girl didn't know the name of that guy who sings that "Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro" song, and I just added his cd to my wish list.  See?  Instant street cred.


Kristina P. said...

I'm practically blinded by your whiteness. I also live in the cardigan.

Karen Peterson said...

After reading this post, I realize I'm not as white as my dazzling, sunless legs would have you believe. I don't own a cardigan, I've never heard of Patti Reilly or Shawn Killinger, and I make my own crepes. I'm not sure that last one proved my point at all, but you are definitely whiter than me.

NIKOL said...

Is it sad that I got all happy about Lena and Ole jokes? Uftah!

Kris said...

Perhaps I should have explained Ole & Lena further for my non-midwestern friends.....Ole & Lena are the middle-aged, white version of Yo Mamma jokes.

peewee said...

Um, you forgot that you went to the Glee concert.

And #3? Makes me soooooo less ashamed of my current behaviors!!! THANKS!!!!

ps. CHeryls really needs to send us some kickbacks here

pps. My 4000 cookies arrived today. You and nikol should come up here and EAT THEM with me!

ppps. I am coming to carlsbad this weekend. Maybe we can sneak in some coffee/chipotle?

Kelli said...

Kris- you crack me up! I love the costume! And I totally love cardigan sets! I'm pretty much as white as they come wanna go dancing? Then we could really prove it! Lol!

Kris said...

Peewee, if you're in Carlsbad, I definitely, absolutely want to meet up. When's good for you?