Friday, September 19, 2008

10 Things I Hate About the Twilight Series

10. Bella Swan. The main character's name is beautiful swan? Really? Really? Could that be any more cheeseball? OMG, swan's have long necks! Hey, vampires like to bite necks! Coincidence? You decide.

9. The fans that compare the author, Stephenie Meyer, to Harry Potter author, JK Rowling. You know, because they're both stay-at-home moms that suddenly just started scribbling down their idea/dream and it developed into a whole series of fantasy novels. Please don't compare Stephenie Meyer's books to JK Rowling's. Not even in the same league. You guys, Don't do it.

8. All the moodiness. Ok, so one might argue that Bella Swan is a teenager. Teenagers are moody. I get it. I was a moody teenager once too. Dude, even when I was a moody teenager, I still did more than just whining, sulking, muttering, glowering, glaring, and storming off in a huff all the time. From time to time I actually experienced happiness and cracked the occassional smile. Despite my incredible angst, I definitely wouldn't have thrown a bitch fit if my twu wuv boyfriend took me to the prom.

7. All the damsel in distress crap. As a fairly clumsy, non-athletic, accident prone person myself, I take particular offense to the idea of a girl being constantly rescued and protected by her big, strong man. Like she's incapable of taking care of herself. Is that really the kind of message that we want to send to young girls? That we all need a knight in shining armor to sweep us up off our weak ankles? That the only skill, interest, or hobby we need to have is to be a good cook so we can slave in the kitchen for our man? Vampires don't even eat food. They drink blood. Gross.

6. Sparkly vampires? You mean, like, glittery? Like diamond encrusted? That kind of sparkly? Sparkly vampires? Ok, if you say so.

5. With the sparkling, comes all the dazzling. With Edward's eyes, with his face, with his personality and the electric current of superiority that he exudes. He's perfect in every possible way. She's not worthy because he's just so damned glorious. He's just really, really ridiculously good looking. He dazzles. All the time. Yawn.

4. I can't fricking stop reading these piles of crap! I liked Twilight for the first 200 or so pages. I'll admit it. I liked Bella and her snarky attitude. She seemed to have some moxie. Somewhere between page 200-300 it all changed and went downhill rapidly from there. They're long (500-600 pages. I'm on book 3 and there are still two more to read! Guh! I spend at least an hour a day reading these books. Why? Have I no sense? No will power? What is wrong with me?

3. I actually paid money for the first two books. Stephenie Meyer is profiting my hard earned money. Lesson learned, and from now on I will check them out from the library. I refuse to spend any more on this crap. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm totally going to see the movie. Probably at full price on opening weekend. See? No will power.

2. Imprinting. I just got to the part about imprinting. I hate to spoiler anything, but in this case its a bit imprinting basically involves a werewolf staring into a girls eyes and (poof!) suddenly they are in love. Like love at first sight. Like a cosmic bond, you might say. Only it doesn't matter how old the girl is. This can happen even with toddlers. That's right, toddlers. What the....? That is just messed up.

1. This is a romance novel. The sappy sweet, Harlequin type. I'm not a Harlequin fan, but I have read a few. The good thing about a Harlequin novel is you know what you're going to get. You know by page 40, someone is going to get naked. Then it gets progressively steamy from there. Not so much with these books. You get a significant amount of heart pounding, hand holding, face stroking, and meaningful gazes into each others eyes. I can count the few very chaste (peck) kisses one one hand. There's no sex, people. None! 500+ pages of flowery, romantic descriptions of how in love they are, and no one has the slightest urge to do more than peck? Wow, that's exciting. I keep hearing rumors about some sort of horrific birthing scene that must be coming up, so I imagine someone has to get it on at some point. But I bet the author manages to mess that up and end the chapter before getting to the good stuff. "And then they woke up in bed together the next morning." Yeah, I be she does something lame like that.


NIKOL said...

This list is awesome, and I haven't even read very much of the series!

Madison! said...

Love this list, hate (but love?!) the books. I honestly can't believe how bad they are. But I'll sit next to you at the movie on opening night.