Monday, July 6, 2009

Michael Bay, You Annoy Me

Dear Michael Bay,

I appreciate the fact that you are Hollywood's go-to-guy for summer blockbusters that involve lots of special effects and explosions. I really enjoyed the first Transformers movie and was pretty excited to see the second one. I saw it opening weekend but needed a week to have a well thought out question for you about it. So here goes...


As a fully functioning, non mentally challenged adult, I have a serious issue with your movie. It totally did not make any sense. All the lame plot segues that never really tied together? The addition of some new Autobot characters that were an obvious, yet very sad and annoying attempt at humor...I'll just go ahead and say it...they were robot versions of Jar-Jar Binks. The female robot that just happened to be conveniently placed at Sam's new college dorm? Incidentally, I didn't know that robots wore gallons of self-tanner too. Or is that just a basic requirement of all your movie characters? All actors must be overly tanned/splotchy orange?

Seriously, was there ever even a point to anything that happened? The annoying roommate? The former secret agent that now runs a butcher shop, but has a complete bunker of government secrets conveniently stored in his meat locker? An old robot at the Smithsonian that can teleport people? Since when can robots teleport people? Why don't the newer robots have this kind of technology? And if they CAN teleport people, how about teleporting them to an actual desired destination. Like say, the secure location of the flipping Army base where they need to be instead of making them run miles across the desert, dodging various evil robots, huh? Or did you just have a bunch of extra explosives that you needed to blow up?

I've heard that plenty of folks in Hollywood circles think you're a complete d!*k. Bruce Willis has pretty much told anyone who will listen that he hates your guts and will never work with you again. Bruce Willis had to kick Hans Gruber's ass, and you're the one that he hates? And after seeing this picture of you from Halloween last year, I think I gotta side with Bruce.

Nice costume, Tool. Yeah I get're a middle aged rich white dude with pecs. Sheesh, the one time I want crazy Mike Tyson to sucker punch someone, and he just stands there.

The only decent thing you did with Transformers 2 is make sure that Shia is still in it, and give his crazy mama a couple of decent lines.

In the future, I will wait for some reviews before I bother seeing any of your sequels. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

With sincere animosity,



Kristina P. said...

I'm not sure why people thought it would be good. I mean, really.

Kris said...

What can I say? I'm a sucker for Shia.

NIKOL said...

I thought the first one was decent. I mean, it wasn't any great cinematic work or anything, but it delivered what I expected: robots, explosions, and Shia. The bar was set pretty low with expectations like that, so if Michael Bay couldn't make it with the sequel it says volumes about his abilities and "talent" (such as it is).

peewee said...

You mean the first one wasn't marginal enough for you? Let this be a lesson for you TWILIGHT sequel!!