I'm off!

Tomorrow I leave for my much anticipated trip to Philadelphia and the QVC Beauty Bash. An entire girly trip dedicated to makeup and beauty and doing whatever us girls want to do! It's going to be heavenly.

We will be spending the first portion of our stay in the heart of historic Philly. Our hotel is right across the street from the Liberty Bell. At the super luxe Omni. Having only stayed at budget hotels/motels, I am looking forward to stealing all manner of upscale hotel shampoos, conditioners, lotions & soaps. A view of Independence Park would be good too, but a girl's gotta have her priorities!

With a little luck from the weather and us finding our way around the city, I hope to return with photos and stories to share. Here are things I hope to do while I am there:

-Run up the steps (while humming Eye of the Tiger) and take my own Rocky pose photo at the Rocky statue.
-Take a ride in an authentic Amish horse & buggy.
-Eat an authentic philly cheesesteak.
-Eat at a Cracker Barrel & at a Sonic for the first time. (There are no Cracker Barrels in CA, and the first Sonic in San Diego is being built right now!)
-Tour the QVC studio & shop in their store!
-See what the QVC hosts look like up close. I wonder if they're really scary with all that makeup on.
-Get tons of free beauty products!

I'm totally looking forward to getting away, but am secretly very anxious about being away from my munchkins for 5 days. Yes, I know Daddy will be home taking care of them, and they'll be fine. But, what if they need me? What if they want their hair braided, and Daddy can only do ponytails? Sigh. I'm going to miss them.

Proof that Bella's Dad has got it goin' on

Once he loses the pornstache, that is.

Since my DVR cut out right before the smoochy scene in My Boys that I wanted to show you guys on Friday night, I found another smoochy clip. He's pretty smokin, if you ask me.

Edited to add: And yes, as Nikol pointed out, I am now at the age where I think the dads are hot.



And just as an fyi, MyBoys season 3 starts tomorrow night! Not that I'm trying to recruit new viewers or anything, but please, please! Someone watch it and talk about it with me! I'm dying here!

Twilight Viewing Party

Thank you so much to Nikol, Kelly & Michelle for coming to my Twilight viewing party on Friday. It was so much fun! Kelly & Michelle, I hope Nikol & I didn't ruin it for you with all our pre-viewing complaining about how awful it was going to be. You have no idea how happy you made me by laughing at all the right parts! You guys are awesome friends. So are we all on for a group viewing of New Moon in November?

Now for the 90 second recap of the movie courtesy of RedBlog. Or you can watch the Puppet version, if you prefer.

PALE GIRL: Hi, I’m new here.
PALE BOY: I hate you. I love you. I want to eat you.
PALE GIRL: Let us go yearn for one another in the woods.

PALE GIRL: Did you just stop that van with your bare hands?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Yes you did.
PALE BOY: No I didn’t.
PALE GIRL: I saw you.
PALE BOY: You are clearly a crazy person.
PALE GIRL: I’m not.

PALE BOY: Look at me over here in the sunlight.
PALE GIRL: Ooooooh, sparkly.

PALE BOY: I am your darkest desire and your worst nightmare.
PALE GIRL: You’re a chocolate pony filled with algebra?
PALE GIRL: How old are you?
PALE BOY: I’m a 30-year old actor, playing a 90-year-old vampire, pretending to be a 17-year old teenager.
PALE GIRL: So you can buy beer?

PALE BOY: I’m dangerous.
PALE GIRL: I’m not afraid.
PALE BOY: I watch you while you sleep.
PALE GIRL: That’s disturbingly hot.
PALE BOY: I've killed people.
PALE GIRL: I love you unconditionally.
PALE BOY: I drive a Volvo.
PALE GIRL: I just remembered I have a thing I have to go to…

PALE BOY: You make me twitch and sulk.
PALE GIRL: You make me breathe through my mouth.
PALE BOY: I would like to take you on a date in a tree.
PALE BOY: I will refrain from doing anything un-gentlemanly, like killing and eating you.
PALE GIRL: I am dating the undead Jonas Brother.
PALE BOY: Do you see how fast I can run?
PALE GIRL: You look like a meth addict on a treadmill.
PALE BOY: You can’t run this fast.
PALE GIRL: Good. I’d hate to look that stupid.

PALE BOY: Us vampires like to play baseball.
PALE GIRL: Why?
PALE BOY: We suck at knitting.
PALE GIRL: Uh huh.
PALE BOY: See what I did there? “Suck at knitting.”
PALE GIRL: Yep, got that.

PALE GIRL: The Native American guys keep making wolf references.
PALE BOY: Shhhh. Those are sly nods to the fans who’ve read the other books.
PALE GIRL: There are more books?
PALE BOY: Yes, three more.
PALE GIRL: And we’re contractually obliged to appear in those films, too?
PALE BOY: Afraid so.
PALE GIRL: My agent is so dead.

BAD GUY VAMPIRE: I’m going to eat you. You can tell your boyfriend to avenge you.
PALE GIRL: Now? Or after I’m dead?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Well, not right now. I’m going to kill you right now.
PALE GIRL: Hmmm. Maybe I could leave a note for him. About the avenging?
BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Okay, that would work.

PALE BOY: Excuse me, some plot has come up. I must go wrassle this evil vampire.
PALE GIRL: Don’t mind me, I’ll be over here pining. And yearning. And bleeding.

PALE BOY: Would you like to go to prom with me?
PALE GIRL: Will there be a gazebo with fairy lights?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will I feel like the most special, moody princess in the world?
PALE BOY: Yes.
PALE GIRL: Will there be synchronized group dancing?
PALE BOY: No.
PALE GIRL: Okay.

PALE GIRL: Our love is eternal.
PALE BOY: Our angst is interminable.
AUDIENCE: Our patience is finite.

Blog stalking finds

I found these gems over at Shark Bait and couldn't stop laughing. They were so awesome, I had to post them.



Edward dazzles Prince

My Boys

Has anyone out there ever watched this show? Hello? Hell-ooo? Am I the only one watching?

Season 3 starts on March 31st (on TBS) and I am psyched. I think the show is way under-rated. It reminds me of Friends, with a few slight differences:

Instead of Central Perk, they all hang out at Crowley's Bar
There is only one girl and five guys

I got hooked last year when OnDemand had all of Season 1 for free. I watched it all just in time for Season 2 to start. After watching all the episodes back to back like that, it feels like its been for-e-ver since the show has been on.

Email signature

I got busted at work because my email signature included a quote that offended someone, so my boss told me to remove it. Just as a background, I work in an HR office, so I thought my quote was hilarious, appropriate, and ironic. Luckily, my boss agreed, but she still made me take it down. She's an Office fan, and we typically trade quotes with each other on Friday mornings.

My signature used to say...I think HR is a breeding ground for monsters. - Michael Scott, "The Office"

Now my signature just has my name and contact info. It's so boring. All because "someone" got offended and complained. The sad thing is that I think it was our new HR Director, who apparently is a corporate drone with no sense of humor and is cold and dead inside. Well poo on you, new HR Director. Sounds like we're going to have a blast working together.

Oh, and since you apparently don't understand irony, you probably don't understand sarcasm either. So by saying we're going to have a blast working together, I mean WE'RE NOT going to have a blast.

I just wish I could come up with a new quote.

That's what she said

A week or two ago, my husband met me for lunch. We went to Subway and were sitting down to eat when he started talking about being hungry and then he literally said....I can't wait to get my mouth around this thing.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Then later that same day, he was complaining about his shoulders being all stiff and sore and having knots in them when he said....I've never been this stiff before.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Two in one day. I'm becoming really good at the TWSS jokes. And yes, I have the maturity of a twelve year old. Michael Scott would be so proud.

Is it too early to wear white pants?

March 20th marked the official start of Spring. So is it okay for me to wear white pants? Because I already am today. They were calling to me.

"Wear your white pants today with your turquoise & white polka dot cardigan"

So I did. And even though its been pretty warm around San Diego the past few days, I still feel like it might have been too early to bust out the white pants. I feel like they tricked me a little bit. At least they didn't trick me into wearing them on the first day of my period.

Wait a minute....what day is today? 1...2....3......whew! Ok, I'm good.

Patheti-con

As you may or may not know, the dvd of Twilight was released on Saturday and some Borders stores were having midnight release parties. Being the good citizen that I am, I alerted my closest friends about release party at our local Borders. Surprisingly, many of my friends "already had plans" but my good friend Kelly was available and up for a night of fangirl nerd-dom.

Having been to a Harry Potter midnight release party, my expectations were a little high. I was expecting fans to be dressed as characters and all kinds of free giveways from the store. Unfortunately, there were no costumes. One teenybopper was wearing glitter, but that was it. The attire was mainly a variety of I 'heart' Edward or Mrs. Cullen shirts. I'm pretty sure that Hot Topic is completely sold out of it's entire Twilight stock of t-shirts. Here's the best one I saw. The woman said she got it on Zazzle, but I wasn't able to find it. My apologies for the fuzzy quality - the photo is from my phone.

The "party" consisted of a game of Vampire Baseball, which was just a never-ending book/movie trivia game. Our team was Midnight Sun and the other team was Team Edward. The teenyboppers knew all the answers right away. The only prize giveaway was a set of sparkly postcards with cast photos on them. The whole thing was put on by Summit Entertainment, and their budget must have been pretty low. They didn't give away a single DVD. Not even a measly bookmark.

It all got too boring and I couldn't stop yawning, so we decided to call it a night somewhere around 11pm. I didn't buy the movie, but I did buy these little gems.

I don't look pissed anymore!

Despite the minimal amount of sleep I've been getting due to two sick kids, I'm in great form today. My company brings someone in to do chair massages every so often. 10 minutes for $10. With all the comments about needing a massage, I decided to treat myself. I booked myself for THREE of the masseuse's 10-minute time slots. I'm just greedy like that. She worked on the giant knots in my shoulders and I no longer wear them as earrings. I now have slopey, Sawyer shoulders again. Hooray!

In addition to feeling good, I look good today too. Yeah, I said it. I look good. Damn skippy. It's a great hair day and a great outfit day. I'm wearing cute black pencil skirt, black boots, an aqua sweater, and a chunky necklace in silver, black and aqua to tie it all together.

Not a bad day for a Wednesday.

Johnny Cash must be rolling over in his grave

I posted before about Adam Lambert being the creepiest guy ever on American Idol. And then I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I now maintain my first opinion. He is creepy. The creepiest. He's gross. His singing makes my ears bleed. I just don't get the love the judges have for this dude. Can someone explain it to me? I'd rather watch that weird Norman guy with the sparkly shirt and sweatbands, because at least while his performances were awkward, I laughed and didn't cringe in pain when I watched him.

Take a look at Adam's performance last night and tell me what you think. He's singing Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash though it doesn't resemble Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash at all. When he shrieks out "it burns, burns, burns" and lifts his shirt just enough to expose a little bit of stomach, I may have thrown up in my mouth a little.

Laughing at this is a real turn-on

The rise in temperature that I'm feeling is strictly because I'm laughing so hard that it's practically an aerobic workout. I swear. Everyone knows that laughter releases endorphins, just like sex and chocolate. So I'm merely having a reaction to the laughter and am in no way reacting to the delicious presence of chest, abs, or face.

You believe me, right?

Guilty Pleasure: War of the Roses

Every morning, Magic 92.5, (the old school station with the suckiest DJs ever) has this thing called War of the Roses where they basically try to catch people cheating on their significant others. On the radio. For everyone to hear.

It's awesome! And by awesome, I mean completely trashy, voyeuristic, and pathetic.

So lets say Jen & Brad are married. They just bought a house and are talking about having kids. Things seem great until Brad starts spending long hours at work and starts acting all sketchy. Jen gets suspicious that Brad is messing around. She calls in to War of the Roses and they call up Brad and pretend to be a new florist in the area trying to drum up new business by offering him a free, dozen, romantic, red roses to send to anyone. Brad accepts the offer and then they ask him what name & message to put on the card. Of course, he sends them to that slut Angelina, from work, instead of Jen, and writes on the card that he can't wait to rehearse their next love scene together. Then the DJs bust in and alert Brad to the fact that Jen is on the line and then sit back while Brad & Jen get in a fight on the air.

These people ALWAYS send them to someone other than their significant other, and most of them will still try to deny it after they've been caught. Those are my favorites. I especially loved the one where the guy wrote "Can't wait until this weekend. I'll bring the baby oil". And he STILL claimed the girl was "just a friend". Right. We all send roses to our friends of the opposite sex and arrange secret meetings to bring them baby oil. Riiiight.

Stealing Nikol's 5 Senses list

5 Senses TagList 4 things you love, and one thing you hate, for each category.

Smell:
1. Baked desserts. Cookies, cakes, brownies, whatever
2. Laundry fresh from the dryer.
3. Lemon Pledge.
4. My 3 favorite perfumes: Amazing Grace by Philosophy, Betsey Johnson, and La Vanila plain vanilla (though I want to try their new lavender vanilla).
5. Hate: Dog breath.

Touch:
1. My new plush bathmats from Costco. I’d roll around on them naked if my bathrooms were big enough. (You’re welcome for that visual)
2. Cuddles with my munchkins.
3. First night’s sleep on clean sheets.
4. Being rocked to sleep.
5. Hate: kissing a dude with a mustache. I imagine kissing a girl with a mustache would be equally bad.

Sound:
1. Giggles.
2. Baby babbling.
3. Far off thunderstorms.
4. Jokes that end with “that’s what she said” or “I want to go to there”.
5. Hate: alarm clock buzzers or incessant coughing.

Taste:
1. Cold Diet Pepsi with lots of ice.
2. Sees candy milk butterscotch squares or milk Bordeaux.
3. My friend Lisa’s homemade caramel syrup. I don’t even put it on anything. Just eat it out of the fridge with a spoon.
4. Carrots with the sauce from either the Lemon-Herb chicken or the Chicken Di Pana entrees at Cheesecake Factory.
5. Hate: fish/seafood. Stinky/gross.

Sight:
1. My fave boy-toy celeb crushes. Too many to list…
2. Eric asleep in the recliner with one of the munchkins asleep on his chest. Actually, just seeing the kids asleep at all is kinda precious. They look so sweet and angelic.
3. Gifts that are wrapped all perfect & Martha Stewart-y. Even better when they are addressed to me! I suck at doing the fancy presentation details.
4. Horrible, gross, physical deformities on all those Discovery/Learning Channel shows. So awful yet so fascinating that I can’t look away. The wart/bark covered “tree” hand/foot guy? The giant, elephantitis leg lady? The huge, facial tumor child? Their pain & struggles are so sad, but I'm amazed by their strength. I love watching those things. Truly fascinating.
5. Hate: poo stains in the toilet.

Hair accessory or torture device?

My hair was being slightly unruly this morning, so I decided to wear a headband to keep it out of my face. After a few hours, I had a horrible headache and felt like my head was in a vice. My seemingly innocent black plastic headband was slowly trying to crush my skull.

That got me thinking...what other beauty/fashion items are actually cruel, painful torture devices? After 5 minutes of thinking, this is all I could come up with.

High heels
Thong underwear
Pretty much any kind of surgical enhancement (boob jobs, Botox, lipo, collagen, etc)
Waxing/plucking (I don't need to know where)
High waisted pants (don't they by definition cause a wedgie in back and front?)

Why do I look so pissed?

A coworker keeps asking me why I look so angry and intense today. Every time she walks by my office door, she asks what's wrong and tells me to smile.

I didn't realize I looked so pissed off. I don't feel angry. So with her reminder, I take that moment to unclench my jaw and relax my shoulders from being perched right at my ears, and I feel better for a few minutes. We chat about her 35th anniversary plans with her husband and she asks me about my munchkins. She goes back to her desk, I go back to my work...and a few minutes later, I'm wearing my shoulders as earrings again.

I know I've been mega stressed and overloaded lately, but I didn't realize it was actually readable on my face. Dude, it's affecting my looks!

I'm really not angry, but perhaps this is a big warning sign. If I turn green and start busting giant muscles out of my clothes, you had better run!

Grr! Kris angry! You not like Kris when she angry!

Blog Stalking

I think blog stalking is my new hobby. It's as addictive as Facebook, and now just as easy, courtesy of Google Reader (thanks for the tip, Nikol!) and all their recommended blogs. I'm finding all kinds of new internet friends this way. Sure, they don't know they're my friends, but they're my friends. Really. How else would I know when their mom's birthday is, where they went on vacation during the holidays, who they voted for, when their baby started walking, how they met their spouse, etc?

I found this gem of a photo courtesy of one of my newest blog friends. Aren't my friends hilarious and clever? I love them!

American Idol Audition Song

Just out of curiosity, what song would you sing if you were to audition for American Idol?

Assuming I could sing, I would probably choose "Little Bird" by Annie Lennox. I love, love, love to sing it in my car. I like how its kind of a belty song, but still up-tempo and not a slow ballad.

Then, if I had the legs and the dance moves (and again, the voice) I would sing "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner when I got to the top 12. Lets face it, with my legs, voice, and dance moves, I'm a shoe-in for top 12!

Lurkers, leave me a comment and let me know what you would sing!

Dear American Idol contestants

Dear Adam Lambert,

I called you Americas Creepiest Idol. That was a little premature on my part. I should have waited until all 3 groups had performed. Still not looking forward to the screeching, pancake makeup, and sharpie marker colored hair though.

Reserving judgement,

Kris

Dear Nathaniel Marshall,

Oh... sweetie. You seem very sensitive and artistic. Also, I'm just spit balling here, but...do you hate your dad? He was probably mean to you as a kid, wasn't he? The kids at school weren't very kind either, huh? There, there sweetie...go ahead and just cry it out. Maybe work on resolving some of this anger and pain instead of using piercings and tattoos as a defense mechanism. Just saying. You're only 18 and at this rate, you're gonna run out of canvas space.

I applaud you for having the guts to be yourself and wear those sparkly headbands. That's a bold move. But you do kind of remind me of a cross between Olivia Newton-John in the "Physical" video (sparkly headband) and Celine Dion (arms flailing & pounding chest while singing).

I'm pretty sure you're not going to make it in the Top 12, but you definitely made for interesting viewing.

Concerned for your well-being,

Kris

A blonde celeb crush?

For some reason, everyone in my office has been talking about Simon Baker and/or his show, The Mentalist, lately. Have you seen it? Its pretty good. Its one of those crime drama shows, but in this one, instead of being all CSI-scientific about it, Simon Baker's character, Patrick Jane, solves murders by being super intuitive into human behavior. I think being way charming, adorable, goofy, and smoking hot also help. He's so yummy that I'm willing to overlook the fact that he's blonde. Anyway, Patrick Jane is so intiutive that he was once famous as a (fake) tv psychic. He gave up being a fake psychic when his wife & daughter were murdered, and now he helps the California Bureau of Investigations (CBI) solve murders. He's still very tortured and damaged because of his family's murder. Somehow this ups the hotness factor because guys that pine and yearn for their dead wives are totally endearing, right? He makes me all melty and I just want to wrap him in a warm blanket and let him cry on my shoulder. Right before I seduce him.

If you don't want to commit to watching another show, then I absolutely recommend you rent Something New about a landscaper (him) and his uptight, black, female client (Sanaa Lathan). Seriously, if he was my landscaper, I would let him mow my lawn anyday. Plow my field?...Sow my seeds?...Pick my fruit?...Fertilize my garden?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

America's Creepiest Idol

Adam Lambert, you creep me out. You made it in the top 12, so you're going to be around for at least one more performance. Let me just tell you what you're doing wrong right now, cause you're winning the award for America's Creepiest Idol which is tough to do considering that basket case Puerto Rican chick and the blind dude that awkwardly dances around with his cane (someone help him before he falls, for pete's sake!).

Adam, you say you're 26, but you look more like 42. Stop dying your hair and eyebrows pitch black. Are you using a Sharpie to color it, or what? I saw your parents in the audience and they both have light hair. You're not fooling anyone! Stop with the eyeliner and pancake makeup. It makes you look gross and old. When you combine the makeup with your rocker leather jacket and skinny jeans (skinny jeans! ew!), instead of making you look tough and rocker-y, you look mega-gay. Like Elton John gay. Like a dark haired Ellen Degeneres. I keep expecting you to turn around and have "T-Birds" written on the back of the jacket and start belting out Greased Lightning. I'm pretty sure this isn't the look you're going for, though, if it is, then my apologies and congratulations.

However, that screechy thing you do when you sing is just plain painful. So couldya at least cut that out?

Brain iz boggled

Madea is still #1 at the box office. Jonas Brothers was #2. Obviously, I need to set an example to rally the hordes of screaming 15 year-old fangirls and see this movie myself. Right?

We are fangirls! Hear us roar!