Mark Walhberg Talks To Christmas Animals

Because I also thought about this while I was watching "The Fighter"


Say hi to your muthah for me.

Here's What I Thought About While Watching "The Fighter"

1. I didn’t realize how much I enjoy movies about boxing. Watching two guys beat the snot out of each other is pretty intense.

2. Christian Bale is scary. Remember when he was hot?

3. Bawstuhn accents: wicked awhsome to imitate!

4. Mark, why didn’t you have Donnie play the role of your older brother? That would have been pretty cool. The only acceptable excuse would be if he was too busy with NKOTB.

5. 90’s hair. Why? I think all that hairspray is the cause for global warming.

6. Crack is whack.

7. Remember bodysuits? With the snaps at the crotch? Again… why?

8. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Hee!

9. Marky Mark modeling ads for Calvin Klein underwear. Yowza!

10. Mark, you could still model underwear. Looking good! Damn!

Huera Update

I borrowed the Pitbull Rebelution cd from the library.  That's how me and the geriatric posse roll.  My intentions were to burn a copy of the cd.  For free!

However, I feel it only fair to fess up and relenquish the teeny tiny smidgen of street cred that I gained by being down with Pitbull.  Because....the language!  Well, let's just say that I clutched my pearls, shoved up my cardigan sleeves, and pressed skip over all the other songs until just "I Know You Want Me" was on repeat.  No bad language there.

Normally, cussing doesn't have much effect on me.  I mean, the Flight Of The Conchords album has tons of cussing in it, but it's hilarious!  But this?  This just struck me as icky.  The song "Juice Box" isn't about Capri Sun.  It's about lady parts.  Call me a prude, but that's just gross.

Does that make me old?  It does, doesn't it?  (Sob.)

Bingo, Beefcakes, and Motorboats

This weekend was my friend Kelly's birthday.  Kelly wanted to go gambling at the local casino and then go dancing at the casino's club.  Actually, what she REALLY wanted to do, was go see Thunder From Down Under at the casino.  That Aussie male dance troupe?  But they were sold out.  So naturally, we played bingo instead.

However, after bingo, the Thunder guys were at the dance club.  We had front row seats to watch all the drunk thirty/forty-something women throwing themselves at the guys.  Have you ever seen a group of drunken cougars trying to seductively grind on a bunch of young beefcakes?  Hilarious.  One woman was seriously wearing bifocals.

The highlight of the evening was when one of the guys motorboated a woman wearing a bustier.  You know what a motorboat is?  When the guy smooshes his face in the woman's boobs, moves his head back and forth, while making a motorboat sound with his lips.  Yeah, klassy.  Then,  (I swear I am not making ANY of this up), the woman's girl friend gets pulled over (she is also wearing a bustier), and the guy does a DOUBLE motorboat.  The women were cheering and woo-hooing while our entire table watched in horror/amusement.  At one point, the dude looked up and saw us watching.  Later, as he was leaving, he stopped by our table to say hi and/or insult us.  I'm not sure which.  It was mostly incoherent because he was drunk too, but I did catch him saying something about how we stole our land from the Indians.  Did I mention that we were in an Indian casino at the time?  Uh, we all went to high school with a ton of tribal Native Americans, and that's just not something you say, especially on their turf.  But I guess the Aborigines must have just willingly handed over their land, right?

WTF is a G6?

If you know, can you tell me?  That stupid song is driving me crazy.

Thanks.

The Random Facebook Friend

Apparently one of my Facebook friends went to a wedding over Thanksgiving weekend and posted this photo of the happy couple.

Awesome.  I almost wish I knew them.

I especially love how the green ink, green eyeshadow, green hair, and green flower all coordinate.

Don't Judge A Cookie By It's Name

Last year we went to Minnesota to visit my ailing Grandma for Christmas.  During our trip, we visited my Great Aunt Pearl who lives out on the old dairy farm in the country, for a potluck.  Aunt Pearl is a lifelong Minnesotan, as most of the family on my Mom's side are.  For Minnesotans, potlucks are a common, yet special event.  You can count on there being a dish of whole black olives, a dish of sweet pickles, at least one meat casserole, at least one potato casserole (or hot dish, as they call them), and tons and tons of dessert bars or balls.  Dontcha know!

The presentation and visual quality of the potluck food is typically highly questionable and unappealing.  Don't rely on your eyes.  Rely on your nose.  If it smells good, it will taste good.  This rule always works with a Minnesota hot dish. 

Unfortunately, the same rules do not apply with the dessert bars and cookie balls.  Most are covered in crumb topping or powdered sugar, so you can never really be sure what's in there.  You might ask what the bar or ball is called.  This is a mistake.  It will almost always be called something gross, like....Pressed Apple Cheese Bars, or Reindeer Balls.  Here's where you're just going to have to be adventurous and try it for yourself.  If you don't like it, chances are there will be at least 5 varieties and 5 chances for you to find something you do like.

Luckily, I took a risk and tried my Great Aunt Pearl's Date Balls.  Dates?  Ew!  But these are so good!  They taste like chewy caramel.  I begged her for the recipe and finally made them myself over the weekend.  I bought enough supplies to make a double batch, but I was short on time and only made a single batch.  Good thing!  This recipe makes about 6 dozen.  If you're feeling adventurous, try them yourself.  You won't be sorry.

Great Aunt Pearl's Date Balls
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 lb package pitted dates, chopped
1 tsp salt
1 cup butter
2 tsp vanilla
5 cups Rice Krispies
1 cup finely chopped nuts
Powdered sugar (or Jello mix powder if you want to make festive colors)

Mix together sugar, eggs, dates, salt and butter in a large sauce pan.  Cook over medium heat until thick (5-10 min) stirring constantly.  Remove from heat.  Add vanilla, cereal and chopped nuts.  Mix well.  Let cool enough to roll into balls about the size of a walnut.  Roll in powdered sugar.  Makes approx 6 dozen.  They also freeze well.

Enjoy!

We've Adopted a New Family Member

This weekend was wonderful.  We had turkey and family time, we shopped, saw Tangled AND Harry Potter.  And then, Saturday night...she arrived!

Her name is Sam, and she is beautiful.  Tall, thin, flawless complexion.  I forget which country she's from, but she's definitely Asian.  We love her so much!  Her full name is Sam Sung. 

Here she is.

Sam Sung, our new baby.  She was delivered at 63 inches long, and weighs about 30 pounds.  She's our new 3D plasma tv.  Isn't she gorgeous?

I can't wait to introduce her to all my favorite shows and movies.  I'm thinking that Sam and I will really bond over shirtless Ryan Reynolds movies.  I mean, can you imagine those abs in 3D?! 

In case you're wondering how on earth we could afford to buy this tv....We didn't.  It was a Christmas gift from Daddy Warbucks my Dad, who feels compelled to spoil us ever since we visited him in October.  Not that I'm complaining, mind you.  Still, I would have been happy with a gift card to Sephora.  It's gonna make my gift to him of assorted DVDs, books, and photos of the kids seem really insignificant.  Sorry Dad....and THANK YOU!

10 Reasons Why I Am One Of The Whitest Women In America

1.  I LOVE twin sets/cardigans.  I would wear one every day, if I could.  I've even been known to wear them with pearls on occasion.  Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart.

2.  I've read all the Twilight books.  I hated them, but I still get credit for reading them.

3.  Some people like to shop on Amazon, I like shop on QVC.  Like, a lot.  I visit their headquarters annually like it's a pilgrimage to Mecca.  I've been known to have discussions about which hosts I like/hate.  Have you seen Patti Reilly?  She's adorable.  Shawn Killinger?  Ugh.

4.  I send cookies to people as gifts.

5.  I slutted it up and wore a Winnie the Pooh costume to work for Halloween.  I have no street cred.  That's me and Garfield doing an ironic belly bump.  Which somehow I manage to make look even more awkward and nerdy.  My Mexican coworker (Garfield) calls me Huera which is slang for "white girl".

BTW, that costume has a PADDED belly, thankyouverymuch.

6.  I know the punch lines to 100s of Ole & Lena jokes.  It's a midwestern thing. 

7.  It took me a long time to figure out what a "shorty" was.

8.  Tina Fey is my idol.

9.  My 5 year old can roll her "R"s and has a better Spanish accent than I do.  I am too embarrassed by my sucky accent to order in Spanish at the taco shop.  But I have no problem using my limited Spanish to talk to my housekeeper about whether the dishes or laundry are limpio or sucio.

10.  I have a blog, on which I post about the marvels of Carmex lotion and frozen crepes from Ikea.

But guess what, guys?  My honky days are over.  Thanks to the Microsoft store, and their new Kinect dancing game display at the local mall, I have discovered that I am no longer one of the whitest women in America.

Watching those hueras try to dance the merengue to Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" has made me realize that I have nothing, NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Even though I will never, ever dance to that game in the middle of the mall with everyone watching, I KNOW I will kill it with my mad dancing skillz.  And now I really want that game, just so I can prove it to myself.

Also, a big thank you to Mr. Whitey himself, Bill Gates, and those fine Microsoft Kinect engineers for teaching me Pitbull's name.  This white girl didn't know the name of that guy who sings that "Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro" song, and I just added his cd to my wish list.  See?  Instant street cred.

A New Favorite Thing

For the last couple of months, all of my magazines have featured full page ads for Carmex Healing Cream and Carmex Healing Lotion. I'm totally a lotions and potions kind of girl, and I'm always on the lookout for a great hand cream that doesn't cost a fortune. But in this case I didn't get too excited because the ads all said the products were only available at Walgreens. Psshht! Like Carmex is too good for Target or something? Come on, Carmex. Help a sistah out, and sell some at my conveniently located Target, with newly remodeled Fresh Food Market!

It wasn't until my husband got a special coupon from Walgreens from buying so many of my pneumonia/cough drugs there, that I finally caved and went to Walgreens specifically to buy this cream. 

I love it so!

It soaks in quickly without being greasy at all.  My hands feel moisturized long after I apply it.  It even softly smells like carmex lip stuff, which is almost medicine-y, but is also weirdly appealing to me.  But the best thing of all is that it's cheap.  I got it for $5.99 and then had a $2.00 coupon on top of that.  

I stole tried a sample of the lotion, and it's not nearly as good, so don't bother with it.  Just get the cream.  Even my husband raves about it.  I was putting some on the other night and he got on my case because he thought I was hogging it.  Uh, sorry dude.  You're lucky I share it at all. 

If you hunt around on the Carmex website, you might be able to find a $2.00 off coupon.  I found it a few days ago, but couldn't seem to find it again while I was writing this.  Try it.  If you don't like it, you only spent a few bucks.  And I will gladly accept any used donations you want to get rid of.

If There Were A No-Fly List in 1977

In preparation for our trip to visit my Dad in Texas, my Mom told my children a real-life cautionary tale of airplane violence.  The story was told and re-told several times before our trip.  When we arrived in Texas, my Dad picked us up at the airport and on the ride home, he asked the kids if they ever heard the story....and then he told it again anyway.  At the end of our trip, he told the story on the way back to the airport, just for good measure.  My kids now know the story by heart.

The story goes like this.....on a family vacation in 1977, my mom, dad, brother and I were going to visit family.  It was the first airplane ride for my brother and I.  He was 5 and I was 3.  We boarded the plane and settled our polyester clad behinds in our seats.  My parents busied themselves with the carry on bags and getting the requisite tools of distraction for children (coloring books, snacks, gum, etc).  Passengers were still boarding and my brother and I were sitting in our seats when all of a sudden....WHACK!  Out of nowhere, and for no particular reason, I smacked my sweet, innocent brother as hard as I could in the head with the big, metal, airplane belt buckle.  My brother instantly began wailing at the top of his lungs for an extended period of time and got a huge bump on his head.  The other passengers shot death stares at my parents for having a child that wouldn't stop crying.  My parents were mortified and wanted to kill me.  Of course, they still had to reward me with coloring books, snacks, and gum, to keep me quiet on the plane.  Not unless they wanted to risk a mid-air toddler meltdown suffer the added wrath of the passengers.  If there had been air marshalls on the plane, like there are now, my parents would have gladly handed me over to police custody.  The End.

The moral to this story? 

Beware of terrorists disguised as 3 year old little girls.  And if you do encounter one, those belt buckles double as pretty effective weapons.

Let's Give Thanks Via The Internet

So I'm guessing there is this big grassroots movement for people to post on the internet whatever they are thankful for.  Yes?

Example:

"I'm thankful for 350 channels"
"I'm thankful for modern medicine"

"I'm thankful for alarm clocks"

Really?  Are you?  Are you thankful for alarm clocks?  Cause I think they suck.  In fact, I think the whole obnoxious, self-serving, forced thankfulness via the internet thing sucks.  You ought to be thankful that I don't kick you in the teeth.

You know what I'm thankful for?  The freedom of speech that allows me say that I poo on your thankfulness.

Don't get me wrong....I'm all for giving thanks to the Big-Guy.  But let's give thanks for our blessings where they really count.  Like, I don't know....in prayer maybe?  Instead of on Facebook?  Where we also saw your slutty Halloween costume photos from last week, that you "like" Jersey Shore, and your test to determine which Sex & The City character you are indicates that you are a Samantha.  When we do give thanks to the Big-Guy, it would be kinda nice if it were for legitimate things and not for the fact that you stayed up late watching football, got drunk, hungover, and were almost late to work this morning.

I'll get off my soapbox now.  Aren't you thankful?

Recent Life and Lesson

Hey you guys.  I've been taking a few too many blog vacations lately.  It's not intentional.  I've just been sick, and busy, and all those normal excuses.  And maybe it's all the cough medicine with codeine, but I just can't think of things to write about.  So I guess I'll just update you on what I've been doing then, huh?

My work wife left and then my boss left.  It got super crazy and chaotic, and I actually snapped at a coworker and then cried.  At work.  Humiliating.  Perhaps I already told you this?  Then I suggested organizing a meeting with all the people that reported to the boss that left.  Well, it kind of snowballed and the head of the company came to the meeting.  Instead of discussing plans for moving forward, the CEO wanted to know about our workloads, which turned into a bitch session about how busy we all are.  Long story short, I kind of bit the CEO's head off when he told us we were already overstaffed.  D'oh!  How did I become the crazy, uptight coworker?  Ugh, I could hardly stand to be around myself.  So I made a vow to chill out and not let work take over my life.

My vow was put to the test when I got really sick.  Like walking pneumonia sick.  I ended up taking 5 sick days.  Right before I was scheduled to go on a week of vacation!  So I was out for TWO WEEKS!  My coworker had to do her work and mine, and will probably never forgive me.  While she slaved away, I medicated, caught up on my DVR, napped, and though I was still sick, forged ahead with our family vacation plans to lovely and exotic.....

Dallas.  To visit my Dad and stepmom.  Who have lived in a gigantic house for 15 years that I have never visited.  My normally grumpy and curmudgeonly Dad transformed into the perfect Grandpa and ate up every second with his rambunctious and talkative granddaughters.  He took the week off work and spoiled them rotten.  He spoiled us all rotten.  Despite being sick, it was a great trip.  I think he actually cried when we left.

Then there was Halloween with last minute kids costume running around, school carnival committments, family dinner plans, and trick-or-treating.  After all hectic hub-bub, I was in the Halloween mood and settled on the couch to watch the new AMC zombie series, "The Walking Dead".  Big mistake.  These zombies sorta run when they collect in a big, brain-hungry crowd together.  Running zombies really freak me out.  They chased me in my sleep and I woke up with clenched teeth and a massive tension headache.  I'm not sure if I have the stones to handle watching on a weekly basis.  I'm kind of a wimp.  It's a good thing I decided to skip the local "Zombie Walk" through Balboa Park.  I may have ended up with PTSD.

Somehow it's already November.  Election day, no less.  I'll place my vote after work.  Right now I'm already planning my Christmas shopping and looking online for good gift ideas.  Ok, so maybe I'm adding more things to my own wish list than I am deciding what to buy for others, but still....it counts as holiday planning.  Right now I'm pondering the Philosophy shower gels on QVC.  Tempting.  Very tempting. 

See how good I'm getting at not worrying about work?!

All Time Best Saturday Night Live Hosts

SNL has been on for what, like,  30+ years?  And the all-time best hosts are Christopher Walken, Alec Baldwin, and Justin Timberlake.  Fact.

Who can forget classic sketches like More Cowbell, Colonel Angus (say it slowly with a Southern accent), Schwetty Balls, Canteen Boy's Scout Master, Dick In A Box, or the Beyonce video?

And now, I truly, sincerely, hope that this week's episode hosted by my beloved Jane Lynch will join that esteemed list!  Don't let me down, Jane!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I wanted to put a whole bunch of Walken, Baldwin & Timberlake videos up here, but the SNL website is painfully slow and isn't cooperating with me.  So you're only getting the most recent JT video.  Enjoy.



Agreed, Andy.  Thanks for asking the important questions.

Public Service Announcement: Ikea Crepes

Did you know that Ikea sells frozen packs of Swedish pancakes in their little Swedish food market area?  12 in a pack for like $4.95. 

Did you also know that Swedish pancakes are essentially CREPES?!

Unfortunately, when I discovered this gem of a buy, I was just starting my errands for the day and didn't have one of those handy, insulated freezer bag things to store the pancakes in until I got home, so I didn't buy any.  Tragic, really.  Considering I have a jar of Nutella just sitting at home, waiting for some crepes.  Why does life have to be so unfair sometimes?

Best. Casting. Ever.

OMG, have you heard the news that Sascha Baron Cohen (the Borat guy) is going to play Freddie Mercury in the movie about Queen?! 

I. Am.  So.  Excited about this!  Like more excited than I was to eat gourmet cupcakes.  Like, crazy, out of my mind, excited.  Like, Glee Live concert, excited.

Queen is one of my most favorite bands ever, and I think SBC is the perfect person to play Freddie.  Filming won't start until next year, but I will be counting down the days until it premieres.

Are you with me?!?!  I'm picturing the opening day audience to be fabulously flambouyant and covered in glitter, leather, or meat.  Guess which one I'll be wearing.

And to my husband, who claims that SBC is the wrong person to play Freddie, because SBC is too tall....?  Are you high?  Whatswrongwitchu?  Go back to listening to RUSH, and don't poop on my parade.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

When I walked into a particularly stinky public restroom this week with my five year old daughters, one of them said...

"Ew.  It smells like OLD LADY in here."

Then this morning, while trying to get the whole household ready and out the door for school, she said....

"Stop asking me so many questions at once.  I only have one head, you know!"

We have parent-teacher conference this afternoon with their kindergarten teacher.  I can't wait to hear what little gems they've spouted off to their teacher.  Wish me luck.

Dear Netflix,

Buy more copies of the new releases already!  I shouldn't have to time it perfectly so that I return a movie on the exact date that a new release comes out so that I can get it without having it listed as "very long wait" for three months straight.

All three of my movies have been sent back and were received by you today, Tuesday, which is new-movie-release day.  For once, I DID time it perfectly.  But guess what?  ALL of the new releases that I put at the very tippy top of my list are already waitlisted.

What gives?

If your membership has grown exponentially, like I think it has, you may want to invest in some extra copies of those new releases.  (hint: Dexter Season 4, Letters to Juliet, and Prince of Persia would be nice, thnx).  What?  I think serial killers, rom-coms, and sweaty, shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal make a good combo.

Hurry up, mmkay?  Otherwise I'm going to start watching too many new tv season shows and then I'll be too busy watching regular tv that I'll just cancel my Netflix subscription completely.  Is that what you want? 

I didn't think so.

Thanks,
Kris

If He's Here, Who's Managing Hell?

Further proof that I do, in fact, work in Hell...

It's the hottest week of summer and due to some old equipment and some nearby construction, we have been without proper air conditioning in our building for over a week.  Reportedly, the air would be restored yesterday.  That was until there was a water main break and a sink hole.  And ALL air circulation was shut off. 

It was already about 90 degrees in the building when I arrived at 8am yesterday.  By 11am, it had probably reached 100 degrees and we were sent home at noon. 

Today, the air still isn't operating.  It's 90 degrees again, but our facilities dept gave me a big box fan to put in my office.  So I have hot air blowing all the papers off my desk.  Yay.  Sweat?  No, that's the dedication and enthusiasm oozing out of my pores. 

Hopefully the Devil will me home again.  I have a book to finish, dang it!

Don't Bother Me

while I'm reading....

I should be done this evening.  I'm about 2/3 done...up to Part III.  I had to force myself to put it down at midnight, and I eagerly await my lunch break so I can escape into Panem.

My Work Wife Is Leaving Me

She gave her notice. Sob!  Her last day will be Sept 1st.  Sob! 

This is my second work wife to leave me within the last year.  Maybe it's me.  I knew I shouldn't have asked her to rub cream on my butt hives!

Who will I share work gossip with now? 

And who will inherit all her work?  Especially since we do the same thing and are back-ups for each other?  I'll give you one guess.....

SOB!

Revenge Of The Toxic Mutant

I'm not a person that typically suffers from allergies.  Sure, there are a few things I'm allergic too, like....certain self tanners and Carnation Instant Breakfast.  There are also things that I think I'm allergic too, like exercise, ESPN, seafood, desert camping, fat free cheese or sour cream, and pictures of Carrot Top.  I have a pretty strong reaction to all of these things anyway, and try to avoid them at all costs.  But in general, I don't even get common hayfever.  There aren't many things that I'm really allergic to.

However, yesterday morning at work I noticed that my arm looked like this:

But I have no idea why.  I haven't used any new soaps, lotions, etc.  I had my normal breakfast of XL Diet Coke from McDonald's, though I did wash it down with a small snack baggie of my kids Cinnamon Crackers from Trader Joe's.  I've had them before, but maybe not more than 3 or 4 at a time.  Yesterday, I ate about 25 of them.  Could that be it?  Could Trader Joe be trying to kill me with delicious cinnamon goodness?

It was spreading, and pretty soon, my arms and legs were covered in itchy hives.  Not long after, I noticed my ears and lips were itching too.  I took a couple Benadryl and sluggishly went about my work day, trying to stay awake.  If I interviewed you for a job yesterday, I apologize, because I don't think I was really paying attention to what you were saying.  My bad.  By the end of the day, I was barely awake, but I wasn't as itchy and the blotches had started to fade.  But once the allergy medicine wore off, I was itchy and splotchy again.  I took more Benadryl and went to bed at 7:30pm.

This morning, the hives are back in full force, and I even have a few on my face.  I'm covered with hot, prickly, itchiness.  You have no idea of the restraint it is taking me to not scratch my butt cheek right now. 

The good news is, it might earn me a get out of work free card for the day.  The bad news is that I will likely spend it in a Bendaryl coma and I won't be eating anymore cinnamon crackers.

So much for being Kick-Ass.

I'm So Kick-Ass

...that I've decided I want to be Hit Girl for Halloween. 

I love her.  Anyone have a purple wig I can borrow?

Hit Girl:  Daddy, I want a puppy for my birthday.  A cute, fluffy one.
Daddy:  (stunned surprise)
Hit Girl:  I'm just (effing) with you, Daddy!  I want a butterfly knife!
Daddy:  Oh, thank goodness!  You really had me!  Just for that, I'm gonna get you two butterfly knives.

A Whole Month

Here is an update of what's been going on with me:

• Big, scary IRS Audit of 2008 tax year.  Spouse's self-employment taxes are a nightmare.  Trust me, I know.  Know a good tax person?  I'm not going through this crap again.  Results?  We owe $2000.  Doable, but still a bummer.
• Overworked, underpaid, overstressed, long hours, bring work home, crushed by mom guilt, "disagreement" with boss, cry at work.  The horror.
• Start looking for another job.  Why are there no good positions in my field right now?  I hate you, economy.  But not as much as I hate you, Boss.
• Try to make myself feel better by eating lots of junk food and shopping.  Still need new shoes.
• Realize the kids start kindergarten on August 12th.  Panic.
• Plan to take a couple of relaxing days off work to spend with the kids while the husband is out of town.  Go broke on back to school clothes/supplies.  Don't plan any time to actually relax.
• Sister-in-law almost dies in child birth.  Seizures.  Unconscious.  Emergency c-section.  ICU.   Healthy, beautiful baby, but sister-in-law takes a while to recover.  We think she's fully recovered. 
• First day of Kindergarten and my babies are officially in school.  Sob.

Twilight: Eclipse - LOLcats Style

Nikol sent this to me, but since she didn't post it on her blog, I felt it was my civic duty to share this with the world.  It's long, which is why I didn't cut and paste the whole thing, but totally worth it.  I swear, if you do not laugh out loud at least once, then I owe you a giant McDonald's soda or something.  Also, if you don't laugh, you should probably see a doctor, because you are clearly dead inside.

So without further ado, I present Twilight: Eclipse, starring LOLcats

You're welcome.

He Was Rock Hard. A Marble Statue. Glistening Like Granite

I love my coworker who sent this to me.  LOVE. HER.

Happy Blah-nniversary

Yesterday was my 14th wedding anniversary.

My husband and I both procrastinated on making any real plans, and by the time we got our acts together, it was too late and we had to cancel plans anyway.  Both of the kids were sick.  Like whiny, snotty, listless, needy, full blown emotional breakdown sick.  I can't even count how many times they burst into tears over something completely insignificant.  I got home from work, and this is how the rest of my evening went:

Kate:  (loud sneeze, snot spraying everywhere)

Emma:  (whiny voice) She sneezed on me! 

Me:  She didn't mean to.  Kate, try to cover your mouth next time.

Kate:  I can't help it!  Why is everyone being mean to me?  WAAAHHH!

Emma:  She's being too loud!  She's hurting my ears!  WAAAHHHH!

Here are some other variations:

Emma:  Where's my pillow pet?  I want my pillow pet.

Me:  It's right there on the couch where you left it.

Emma:  Why won't you give it to me?  I don't want to get it.  WAAAHHHH!

Kate:  I'm hungry.

Me:  It's already bedtime, so you can have a banana or a piece of bread.

Kate:  I want pudding. 

Me:  No.  It's banana or bread, those are your choices.

Kate:  FINE.  Bread.

Me:  (hands her a slice of bread)

Kate:  I don't like the crust!  (angrily starts pulling off the crust and rips the bread in half in the process)  My bread is RIPPED!  WAAAHHH!

It went like that the whole night until we got them into bed.  I won't even get into the battle we had with both of them over putting Vicks Vapo Rub on their chests.  Let's just say they were doing their best Gollum impressions by shrieking "IT BURNS US!"  over and over.  By the time we tucked them in, my husband and I were so tense and worn out that we just wanted to veg on the couch.  We agreed to rent Hot Tub Time Machine via Cox OnDemand, because even going out to rent a video would have been too much work.  And nothing says romance like Hot Tub Time Machine, right?  Tell me what kind of person wouldn't be overcome with love and passion for their spouse after watching John Cusack eat magic mushrooms, snort coke, and drop Efron-bombs every two seconds.  We could barely contain ourselves.

This weekend we have big plans to celebrate though.  We're flying to San Fran to stay at a swanky hotel to have romantic meals, walks along the harbor, and a segway tour. 

Just kidding.  Sure sounds nice though, doesn't it.

We might go back the The Fair (which is actually kind of an anniversary tradition for us), and we also really, really want to see The Last Airbender.  I told you I was a nerd.  A Nickelodeon cartoon nerd even.

Next year is the big 15 anniversary though, so we will be doing something special.  Something that doesn't involve sick kids, or kids whatsoever. I'm thinking some sort of vacation might be in order.  Somewhere tropical or European, maybe?

Dumbledore Would Be So Proud

I saw this car the other day near my work and just had to take a photo of the license plate.  Can you read it?  It says:

HGWRTZ

I think taking this photo and posting it confirms that I am, without a doubt, 100% nerd.

Expecto Patronum and Wingardium Leviosa!

More Grease Please!

The Del Mar Fair marks the opening of summer in San Diego county.  I look forward to it every year.  I manage to eat $60 worth of corn dogs, bbq corn-on-the-cob, cinnamon rolls, blooming onions, waffle cones, and candy.  In recent years, The Fair features a new, novelty, battered and deep fried food.  It gets lots of hype and news coverage.  Local tv stations interview people about it and get man-on-the-street reviews.  Past fried food products have included: the twinkie, the oreo, the pop tart, the chicken & donut bun sandwich, the klondike bar, etc.

Last year they added chocolate covered bacon, which isn't really battered and fried, but looks equally disgusting.  Just look at it.

I think I scooped some of that off my lawn this weekend. 

This year the featured battered and fried product is BUTTER.  Seriously.  Look.  I think the sign says it all.

I heard lots of people talking about the fried butter, but never saw anyone actually eat it.  My faith in humanity was restored. 

Then I remembered that it was a human that came up with this idea in the first place.

Laura Bush Made Me Cry

My Grandma sends me a subscription to Ladies Home Journal every year. Isn’t that cute? Sadly, I usually slack off on reading it because my US Weekly magazines are just so much more juicy. I mean, who is Sandra Bullock eating lunch with? Are Madonna and Gwyneth really fighting? Who is Kate Hudson humping dating this week? These are questions I need answers to on a weekly basis. And since US Weekly is a weekly magazine, my monthly Ladies Home Journal editions get put to the bottom of the pile. After a while, they get crinkled and dusty, or I use them as coasters and they get those wet cup rings all over. Sometimes my kids mistake them for coloring books and all the words end up scribbled over, and I just throw it away recycle it without even reading. But not the June issue! I’ve already read it cover to cover, and I have to say, I really enjoyed it. Even without the celeb gossip and polls about who looked better in the same Marc Jacobs dress. 

There was an article on Laura Bush’s autobiography which included a few excerpts from her book. One of the excerpts really touched me. (I’m being serious now). Did you know that Laura and George W. struggled with infertility before having their twin girls? I never knew, or at least, never paid attention. Anyway, I really like what she has to say about it.

The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence.” For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

Wow. For anyone who has ever been in that situation, I wonder if you relate to that as much as I did.


Side note: For those who don't know, it took me 6 dark years to conceive my twin girls, who are now 5 years old.  They are my sunshine.  (awwww!)

McDonald's 42 oz Diet Coke for $0.79, I Salute You

My soda, tis of thee

Sweet drink of sugar-free,

Of thee I sing

Land of the arches pride

Land of McDonald’s drive

Forty-two ounce, the size!

Let soda fizz!

To Ronald McDonald and the employees (especially Roberta, the transvestite in the drive thru with the ghettofabulous acrylic nails) at the location one block away from my office, THANK YOU for selling your extra large sodas for only $0.79.  I get one every morning before I come to work, and even when I am running late, it takes less than 60 second to scrounge up my $0.86 (tax) and get out of the drive thru.  I know, soda in the morning might sound kinda gross, but it's basically my version of coffee.  I admit, I have a little bit of a diet soda addiction, but hey, whattaya gonna do?  Nobody's perfect.  Besides, am I really supposed to be able to resist at those prices?  And why is it that McDonald's fountain drinks always taste better than other places?  The nearby 7/11 fountain drinks taste like metal.  Blech.

Anyway, McDonald's and your employees...keep up the good work!  Love you!

XOXO

Dear Mother Nature,

You are an evil beast.

First off, having a "cycle" every 23 days for several months is straight up cold and cruel.  I mean, what did I ever do to you?  Nothing.  But whatever, I got used to it.

So now you think it's funny to change things up a little?  Like I amuse you?  Like I'm a clown to you?  Do you see my face?  I. am. not. amused.

Seriously?  31 days?  Really?  REALLY?

Let me do the math for you, Mother Nature...that is 8 freaking days late.  EIGHT.  That's kind of a big deal for someone like me.  For normal people?...not a big deal.  But for me?  Huge.  Which of course, was the day after I bought the home pregnancy test.  It was, in fact, the morning I planned to use said test.  Nice one.  You really got me good.  Ha effing ha.  The cramps are a nice touch too, by the way.

I bet you and the Tampax people are laughing your asses off.

Not that I was trying to get pregnant.  But I wasn't exactly preventing it either.  You know, infertility issues and all?  I mean, there's still always a chance, so you had me wondering.

Still not amused,
Kris

P.S.  If this is in response to unknowingly letting my nephew fall off a 12-ft rock...well....I'll have you know that he was weird to begin with, so you can't blame that on me.

8 Adults and 9 Kids

Yesterday some of my husband's family got together with some distant cousins who were visiting from Utah. We met at a park so that the kids could play and the adults could chat.  Most of us had never met before.  The park had a great playground with tons of play equipment, including a giant 12ft-high boulder for kids to climb on.  It was a nice afternoon and we had been there close to 2 hours when my youngest nephew, age 4, came running up to my mother-in-law and said:

"Grandma!  Grandma!  I fell off the rock and I didn't get any owies!  Not on my body OR my head!"

None of us saw a thing.

She's My Lobster

Tina Fey, I still love you. But I think I may have found another tv girlfriend.

I think I might have a crush on Brittney from Glee.  There's just no sense in denying it anymore.  She's right, she does look awesome.  And I would totally want her to have my back if a rival street dancing gang ever challenges me to a dance battle.

Twilight Spoof Movie: How To Make Lame Vampire Movies Even More Lame

A Twilight spoof movie is in the works for August.

A little over a month after The Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits theaters, the folks behind movies like Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie and Meet the Spartans are planning to unveil their latest travesty: Untitled Vampire Spoof Movie. And no, that's not the official title (for those who thought the whole "Untitled" thing was part of the spoof), though we expect the title they do choose will specifically target the Twilight franchise since they know how lucrative anything related to it can be. August 18th is the day we'll all be able to run to the theater and purchase a ticket (so mark it on your calendar now … or not), though one imagines you Twi-hards out there will skip this one, unless you want to watch some Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson look-a-likes do absurd, unfunny things in
the name of "comedy." Of course Twilight won't be the only film spoofed (we assume), as the vampire genre has been pretty hot as of late. We may see some True Blood in there, as well as a little Blade – and maybe even a nod to the Lost Boys franchise, which returned with a cruddy sequel two years ago. (In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a cameo from Corey Feldman in this thing.)

Is it still too soon to spoof the Twilight movies, or do you think the hype has reached a level that demands it be spoofed? Will you go see Untitled Vampire Spoof Movie, or will you save it for a time when you're scrolling through the channel guide late at night and there's nothing else on?

The real question is, will Edward be gay? For Jacob? Will Bella finally get punched in the face? If so, then chances are I might actually see this movie.

Not at the theater or anything. I need to have some standards. But on Netflix. Eventually. Like in a year or two. When Garfield 3: Feline Groovy is on "very long wait", and there just isn't anything else. Or when I lose my sense of humor in a horribly disfiguring curling iron accident.

Awwww, GLEEK Out! Le Gleek, Cest Chic

Please try to contain your jealousy.

I went to the Glee Live concert on Friday night in LA.

It was like that movie, 13 Going on 30, where Jennifer Garner makes a wish to be older and wakes up as a 30 year old. Only this was in reverse. It was like being instantly transported back to junior high and squealing over the latest issue of Bop Magazine with NKOTB on the cover. If you know me, you know I have a strong connection to my inner 13 year-old. So this was right in my comfort zone. Before the concert they let the audience text in messages that got posted on the big screens above the stage. This is what we read:

"Eeeee! Finn & Puck are so hot! Clap if you love Finn! I wanna get Pucked!" etc.

Each time one of these messages would come up, the crowd would go crazy and start screaming and clapping. It. was. awesome. The concert started off with Sue Sylvester and Mr. Schue on the big screens, and then the kids came out completely in character to perform. They wore the same outfits, did the same dances, Artie wheeled around in his wheelchair, Brittney was confused by the audience, etc. My favorite parts were when Mercedes cried at the end of singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, when the cast sang and danced to "Push It", and pretty much anytime when Brittney danced or spoke. That girl is a crazy good dancer and her character cracks me up. The guy who plays Jesse also made an appearance and sang a duet with Rachel. Unfortunately for Jesse, he was a little off-key and was oozing sweat, so it wasn't really a high point in the evening. At least for him, anyway.

I was expecting to be near the extreme end of the age spectrum of fans in the concert. After all, it's a show about high school kids, and I'm (cough)36(cough), but I was/we were honestly in the mid-range of age. I could have totally brought my Mom, and she would have fit in with the crowd. We were surrounded by tweens and grandmas. The tween boy sitting in front of us was practically exploding with fanboy energy and several grey-haired people were singing and dancing along to the songs.



Nikol, Maegan, Kristin (all seen above), and Leslie (not pictured) were my accomplices. Look at Maegan's smile (middle photo). Does she look like she was having the best time ever, or what? That is the smile of pure joy. My husband was supposed to go, but we were having babysitting issues and then he started whining about how it was going to be such a long drive, and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. A true fan wouldn't complain about a 3 hour drive (one way) to see Glee. He basically did me a favor by backing out, because who wants a sloppy, whiny, baby along to ruin all my Glee fun anyway? It would have forced me to go all Sue Sylvester on his ass and complain about how he was a snot/acne factory, and how the smell of his hair gel was making nauseous. And Glee day should be a day without complaints. Am I right? Luckily, Kristin was available to use the extra ticket. Thanks to Kristin for being available at the last minute, baking brownies, living super close to the concert, and sharing your valet parking pass! Thanks to Nikol for being the only one with an AmEx (or whatever card was required) and buying the tickets on presale. And thanks to Maegan for driving! I had a blast!

"I Will Kick You In The Taco" ~Sue Sylvester

I think what Sue meant to say was, Happy Cinco de Mayo amigos!

Public Service Announcement: Watch Party Down

Thank goodness for Netflix. I don't have any pay-cable channels like HBO, so I have to wait for all the awesome shows like Dexter to come out on DVD.

Party Down is on Starz, and I've been anxiously waiting for the DVD release so that I could check it out. Boy, am I glad I did. So far I've only watched half of the first season, but each episode cracks me up. Where else could I hear Jane Lynch describe old man's genitalia as "two eggs in a tube sock" with such disdain?

It's about a catering & party staffing service, so each episode is centered around a new party. That means new scenarios and characters for the cast to interact with. And the cast is awesome: Jane Lynch, Martin Starr, Ken Marino, etc. I'll warn you that some of the episodes are more adult themed, like the one where they work at the porn version of the Academy Awards.

Here's the best part of all though...the show is written and created by Paul Rudd. PAUL RUDD! We all know that Paul Rudd is kind of awesome.

Beauty Bash Bound

After this weekend, I will be covered in pounds of free makeup, skin care, and hair care products. I'm bringing an extra suit case just for the loot. I hope it gets filled to the brim!

I CAN'T WAIT!

Glee Vogue

"Will Shuester, I. HATE. YOU."

Classic!

As much as I love Sue Sylvester, the real star of that video was Kurt. He was fab! Also, did you catch his reaction to Finn singing The Doors on the show? All googly and twitterpated? That was my favorite part! I think I may have a platonic, beard crush on Kurt....

Sweet Weekly Love

Monday night is my night to cook.
Tuesdays we go and visit your mother.
But Wednesday night is the night we make
Sweet Weekly Love. - "Business Time" Flight of the Conchords

Forget about must see TV on Thursdays. Thursdays are over. FACT: Tuesday is the best night for TV. Two reasons: Glee and Justified.

Glee is back tonight after way too long of a hiatus. Like, so long that even a Gleek like me kinda stopped caring. Harsh, I know. But those are the facts. However, I'm certain I will be sucked back in at the first Laaa-la-laa. Or the first slushie in the face. Or the first sighting of Puck. Or the first burn by Sue Sylvester. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, this is mandatory viewing. MANDATORY, people.

Now, you may not know a lot about Justified. It's another crime show, it's set in the South, and the main character wears a giant cowboy hat. But I'm telling you, Justified is great. And not just because Timothy Olyphant has this whole smoldery, hot, southern charm thing going on. But really, DAAAAAMMMMMMN! That boy is working it. So that helps.

If you have HBO or Showtime, or whatever cable channel Deadwood was on, you might say to yourself "yeah, yeah. I've seen Timothy Olyphant work the cowboy hat thing before." And I would reply "No, you haven't".

See the distinction?:

Justified - hot & smoldery

Deadwood - Snidely Whiplash

Other than Timothy Olyphant being in it, the only other thing I know about Deadwood is there was LOTS of cussing, mustaches, and prostitutes. Justified just has a lot of hillbilly rednecks and one fine looking US Marshall to round 'em all up and take 'em to the pokey. But also, it's funny.

Even Hitler is Team Bullock

"When your body looks like a dirtbag's binder from 7th grade auto shop, it doesn't bode well for your character"

I love you, Tina Fey.

I Wish I Could Quit You

What's the deal, Costco?!

Obviously, I have a Costco addition. I went to TWO Costcos this weekend. And you know what I found at both stores?....Red effing Velvet Cake. So now I know FOR SURE that you've been messing with me, Costco.

But then, I found this:

A peace offering? A delicious vanilla chai flavored peace offering? With 40g of protein? For me?

Sometimes, being a Costco whore does have its benefits. I didn't buy the cake, but I bought FOUR bottles of the vanilla chai. AND a platter of chocolate croissants.

Mmmm.

I Do Not Sniff Da Coke

I'm in my 30s. Ok, my mid 30s. I sorta thought I was past the age when being a dipshit was "cool".

I was talking with a coworker, and the subject of drugs came up. I don't really remember how the subject came up. Maybe we were talking about the mandatory company drug awareness training or something. But anyway, the subject came up...and I mentioned that I have never done drugs. Ever.

My new coworker...who is in her 30s, and married with kids...called me a square and actually drew an air square with her fingers. Then proceeded to tell me about her and her husband doing all kinds of drugs in high school and college.

Neat.

Oh yeah? Well....were you Presidente of el Club de Espanol? Were you disecting a cat in AP Biology? Did you work at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Did you go dancing on weekends? Like, to church dances, where you had to get interviewed by a Bishop, and wear a skirt that was at least to your knees?

Cause that's what I was doing in high school. And my mom thinks I was pretty cool.

Damn You, Costco! Damn You Straight to HELL!

Dear Costco,

I thought we were friends. I thought we understood each other. When my twins were babies, you were there for me. You offered carts with TWO baby seats, and I thought I had found a safe place of trust. You GOT me. My needs, my wants, my desires. You offered high quality diapers and baby wipes in bulk, and it brought tears of joy to my eye.

Over the years, that friendship has blossomed. You opened my eyes to steamed edamame, decent tasting frozen lasagne, and those cool boxes of crafty greeting cards. I will never have to shop for a birthday card again, and I love you for that. Costco, I've loved you so much that I gave up shopping at a regular grocery store. Goodbye Vons, Fresh & Easy, and Albertsons. Because if Costco doesn't carry it, I probably don't need it.

But this time you've crossed the line. You hurt me. You hurt me bad. I...I just don't know if I can look at you the same ever again.

A couple weeks ago I saw what looked like a delicious, mouth watering, red velvet cake for sale. This was no ordinary red velvet cake....it was HUGE. With cream cheese frosting. And it was only $9.99. I wanted that cake so bad. I tried to think of excuses to buy it. I'd bring it to dinner with my friends, the Dodsons, but Kelly Dodson doesn't really like cake, so that wouldn't work. I'd bring it to Easter dinner with my family, but my mom was counting on a fresh strawberry dessert, so that wouldn't work. Finally, I found my excuse....work potluck! I was the first one to sign up, and I told my coworkers about the Costco cake that I was dying to try. I was so excited!

So today is the big potluck, and I went last night to buy my cake. But....where was the cake? I couldn't find it anywhere. You decided not to make them anymore? Without any kind of notice? Without even a sample? I get it...you were just teasing me, and then right when I wanted it most, you yanked it away.

HOW COULD YOU?

I made Nikol's peanut butter bars instead. I'm sure they're delicious, but they are sprinkled with the salty tears of your betrayal.

Sincerely,
Kris

My Weekend Movie Review

Friday night I had a date with my husband. He picked the movie...Clash Of The Titans. After it was over, I nervously asked him what he thought of it and braced myself for "it was AWESOME!". He said it was pretty cheesy and lame, that he probably liked the Harry Hamlin version better, and he could have done without the crappy, imitation sleestacks and Lord Voldemort.

Agreed. Thumbs down. I'm sorry I doubted you, honey.

To make up for the crappy movie, we watched Roll Bounce. I heart Roll Bounce. What's not to love about a movie revolving around the late 70s roller disco craze? Throw in Chi McBride as the lovable, suburban dad and lots of jokes about yo momma, paper routes, What's Happenin', polyester, afros, and coming home when the streelights come on.



Thumbs up!

It made me long for my white roller skates with the Strawberry Shortcake emblem and the days when RollerSkateLand and Aquarius RollArena were open. I look forward to a day when I can use the jokes I heard in that movie in my every day life.

"Don't tell me you didn't hear me...with them big 'ol ears, you probably heard the sun come up this morning."

Rollllll Bounce. Allllll Skate.

I Like My Translation Better

Turns out, I'm not cool like a Klondike bar, and no one wants to give me signed NPH posters or free movie tickets. Waaah! Instead, the comments translate into Confucious style fortune cookie responses, to which I still need a translation:

Guard your heart, better than all the conservative, because life's outcome, issued by the heart

He who would climb the ladder must begin at the bottom

Proud people, listening to footsteps know.

It turned out that the world can talk to you people who shared a taste of a joke really so rare

Even adding "in bed" to the end of my fortune cookie comments still didn't make these funny. Except maybe that climbing the ladder from the bottom one. And then...ew.

To My Asian Friends

I wish I could read the comments written in Chinese characters. I like to imagine that they say:

Kris, you are cooler than a Klondike bar, being eaten by a polar bear sitting on an igloo. Would you like my signed Glee poster of Neil Patrick Harris's guest-starring role and free tickets to see Hot Tub Time Machine?

Yes. Yes, I would.

It's Not Paranoia...Dentists ARE Out To Get Me

It all started back before I was born. In utero, in fact. There I was, just a happy little fetus, floating around, when BAM! Mom's appendix ruptured. Suddenly she was having surgery.

By the time my teeth were coming in, I was already getting cavities. I have practically no enamel on my teeth. Thanks 70s psychedelic drugs and antibiotics! Almost every doctors appt as a child included the drill. Being a kid, I just assumed this was normal. Then came the retainers. Varying in size and level of humiliation. I'm totally not kidding when I tell you that in 6th grade, I had this enormous retainer contraption that was honestly the size of my fist. I think I still have it somewhere. It should be part of a museum exhibit on child torture and humiliation. It was impossible to get it in or out without splitting a lip, and it was almost impossible to talk. I was supposed to wear this ALL DAY except when I ate. Combine this with the ugly haircut I had that year, and I'm surprised anyone ever talked to me. My teachers applauded me for being in mainstream classes instead of special ed. Did I mention the "oral therapy" that I had too? It involved what I like to call mouth gymnastics. Things like lifting weights with your tongue and lips, and swallowing while holding a rubber band on the roof of your mouth. It sounds incredibly glamorous and sexy, right? Since my hair had grown out, you'd think I'd be as popular as the girls that could tie cherry stems into knots. I think my parents and dentist/orthodontist saw what was about to happen, so the next year I got braces. The brackets were actually designed for equine use, because they were the largest brackets humanly possible. Goodbye popularity.

During the summer between 8th and 9th grade, I had major reconstructive jaw surgery. My case was actually used as a medical journal case study. It was an 8 hour surgery in which they cut my upper jaw into 3 places, implanted bone from my hip, and removed part of my lower jaw because it was growing longer on the right side. They lined everything up and wired me shut. After the surgery, I was so swollen and numb that I couldn't open my eyes, but I heard my brother start to cry when he saw me. Nothing boosts your confidence like a 16 year old boy crying at the sight of you. If Leatherface were a 14 year old girl, we would have been twins. My bottom lip was so fat, swollen and heavy that it hung open. I couldn't drink or even contain drool. I had to hold a rag up to my mouth to keep from drooling everywhere. It took me all summer to recover. I could hardly eat or drink, so I got really skinny. I had no energy to do anything, so I sat on the couch watching crappy movies and soaps, and passed time by teaching myself how to french braid my hair. I looked forward to getting the wires removed so that I could open my mouth and eat. Too bad I didn't understand what the process of getting the wires removed was. The wires are basically woven or sewn into the gums around each tooth root to hold it in place. At intervals of about every 3rd or 4th tooth, there is a little loop of wire sticking out of the gums. So to remove the wire, they snip the little loop, and then PULL THE WIRE OUT OF YOUR GUMS WITH PLIERS. Without novacaine. And this process is repeated until all the wires are gone. This may be the point when I split into a second personality to block out the trauma.

In 10th grade, I finally got my braces off and just had to wear a little retainer. My orthodontia was pretty much over. I was traumatized, but got through it okay. I am left with enough screws, pins, chains, and plates in my jaw to warrant a strip search and bomb squad at the airport metal detector. I also have severe TMJ, a jaw that pops and locks when storms come, a scar on my hip, and a small numb spot on my chin from nerve damage.

Now that I am an adult, I am terrified of the dentist. Who can blame me? I brush and floss, but still get cavities. I have nightmares about all my teeth crumbling out of my head and aliens implanting devices in my teeth. I specifically looked for a dentist that offers gas and sedation. They offer me gas for everything, even just a cleaning. I think I've only turned them down once. A few days ago, one of my many fillings broke and I had to go in to get it repaired. It will need a crown, but not before we find out if it will require a root canal. I've got a 50/50 chance. I'm on antibiotics just in case.

Now who wants to make out?

BlogCon Anaheim 2010

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.

How do you get a bunch of Lady Bloggers to meet?
Offer them mexican food and Disneyland.

Karen, Kristin, Kristina, Melanie, and Nikol, it was so much fun and totally worth the traffic that I had to sit through to get there. Nothing was going to stop me from eating my weight in chips and salsa. Errr, I mean...nothing was going to stop me from meeting you. Kristin claims there was horrible traffic on her end too, but I think she just stopped to go shoe shopping on the way.

During the evening, I learned two things:

1. My eyes were opened to a product called the Vajazzler. It's like a bedazzler for your lady garden.

2. I am apparently the Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters master. It was like I was Chuck, and I had an "intersect flash" and suddenly became completely awesome and unbeatable. Grasshoppers, I must teach you the way of the Astro Blaster.

Gold Medal Crush of the Week

Apolo Anton Ohno

I never thought I would be this excited to watch Olympic speed skating. This is what my husband hears about the Olympics:

"Is men's speed skating on right now?"
"No? When's it going to be on?"
"Make sure you tell me when it's on"
"Ooh, there's Apolo!"
Sigh..."He has the prettiest eyes"
"Doesn't he have the prettiest eyes?"
"And his bone structure! Wow!"
"Are you listening to me?"
"Why are you ignoring me?"
"Yay! Apolo just won a medal!"
Sigh...."He has the prettiest eyes"

Was he this good looking in previous Olympics? Was he this good looking on Dancing With The Stars? Kind of makes me wish I had watched that show. I can't believe those words are coming out of my mouth!

Who do I have to contact to get all of Tiger Woods' old sponsors to sign Apolo instead? Because I definitely want to see more of this guy. Hey, magazine editors, can we get this guy's face on a cover? Stat?

My Vocabulary

In addition to swear words, here are some of the other words and phrases that have become part of my daily vocabulary lately:

Adverse Impact
Underutilization Analysis
Impact Ratio Analysis
Compensation Analysis
Workforce Analysis
Outreach Efforts
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
Office of Federal Contracts and Compliance (OFCCP)

and finally,

Affirmative Action Plan Audit.

Have I struck fear into your heart?

Let me take you back to exactly two weeks ago. Exactly two weeks ago today, a coworker was retiring, and it was her last day of work. She had been in charge of the Affirmative Action Plan for 31 years. On the same day she was retiring, the company received a notice stating that their Affirmative Action Plan was being audited. But this wasn't an ordinary audit, it was a higher level audit that was being highly scrutinized, and additional reports and information were due BECAUSE OUR PREVIOUS PLAN WAS INACCURATE AND INSUFFICIENT.

Basically, we had to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch.

I'll give you one guess as to who the responsibility...nee, honor, of this audit was given to after the coworker's retirement. Did you guess me? This honor was surely bestowed upon me because I was highly trained, skilled, and knowledgeable in this area, right? Yeah....ever hear of the blind, leading the blind?

I'll give you one more guess as to when everything was due. Did you guess today?
It was actually due one week ago, but we begged and begged, and they gave us an additional week. When I say "they", I mean those delightful Federal Government folks.

So today's the day when it is all due. I worked tons of overtime, which I don't get paid for (the joy of being an exempt employee). I have the 175+ page report sitting on my desk as I type. It's done. Hallelujah.

I also have a killer headache, a cranky attitude, and a potty mouth.

Wanna know what the worst part is? I know the audit isn't going to go away just because we prepared the report. They're going to ask for more stuff once they review. And we're going to have to change a ton of our processes, systems & reports.

That means a sh!t ton of more work for me. FCUK.

There Aren't Enough Swear Words In The English Language

If I didn't need medical benefits for my family, I would quit my job. TODAY.

I'm thinking of starting a new career of collecting aluminum cans on the beach. Sounds nice, doesn't it? No stress, make my own hours, and get a tan.

Gross Grey's

Dear ABC, Shonda Grimes, and Grey's Anatomy writers,

In the name of all that is good and holy, can you please stop showing these two mashing their faces and gentials together on tv? They have the chemistry of hard-boiled eggs and three-bean chili, and that's just stinky and gross. I honestly can't bear to watch them, and I cover my eyes in disgust. It's like watching your grandma get a lap dance. Some things just aren't tasteful for public viewing.

Also? Ginger balls. Nuff said.

Thanks,
Kris

I'm LOST

WTF?

I feel like I need a LOST For Dummies manual. I've watched since the beginning, but can someone please explain this show to me?

Smoke monsters; time traveling; electromagnetic button reset codes; hatches; Dharma; drowning people in dirty, healing water; Kate trying to eye hump all the hot men; Kate actually humping all the hot men; talking to dead people; Others; Original 70s Dharma Others; Temple Others; crazy french jungle chick; disappearing island; underwater island; Jin learning English in like a week; Jacob, John Locke & Ben Linus all being completely confusing and awesome at the same time; etc.

I'm too invested to give up now. I hate you, LOST writers. After LOST is over, I hope the only jobs you can get are writing those crappy SyFy channel movies about the chupacabra.

Facebook Doppelganger

After hearing about all the different colors of bras the ladies on Facebook are wearing (I free-boob it, by the way), this is my favorite new fad.

Change your profile picture to your celebrity doppelganger, or any celebrity that you've been told you look like.

This has been somewhat illuminating and surprisingly accurate. I recently had a conversation about this topic with some girlfriends over dinner (Happy Birthday, Nikol!). See, I've never been told that I look like any celebrities, but I often joke that in 10 years, I will look like this:

(complete with facial hair). So I was going to use Mickey Rourke as my celebrity doppelganger.

But then Nikol blurted out that I look like Kristy McNichol (which led to a whole conversation about The Pirate Movie, and plans to watch it together, but I digress). At first I thought Nikol was crazy, but then I found this picture, and it might not be so crazy after all.

Those of you that know me in real life, what do you think?

If you say I actually really do resemble Mickey Rourke a little bit, you're dead to me.