Glee Post Of The Week

Peek A Boo!

Break Me Off A Piece Of That!

Last night, I had dinner with some of my best girlfriends, and we exchanged stocking stuffers. I was the lucky recipient of several New Moon items, including a Jacob melting heart chocolate candy, some Jacob pins, a pack of New Moon trading cards, and this...the piece de resistance.



My very own custom made Edward Cullen cookie! Complete with glitter sparkly skin!

Edward, I am totally going to bite your face off. I bet you're delicious.

My friends are the coolest. Thanks Janet, Lisa & Nikol!

ETA: Now that I think about it a little more, that wooden stick in the cookie has taken on a new meaning.

Family: Another Name For Dysfunction

I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving. Do you all have crazy family stories to share? If so, don't keep that crazy all bottled up for yourself! Misery loves company! Let's share in the torture, shall we? Here's a brief little exchange I had with my in-laws this weekend.

I was explaining to the in-laws that we wouldn't be in town for Christmas this year because we are going to visit my 89 year-old grandma in Minnesota who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I explained that she's never seen our twins and that this might be our last chance. Then my sister-in-law piped in with this gem of a response...

SIL: Breast cancer wouldn't slow MY grandma down.
Me: (Brows furrowed. Not wanting to make a scene) Well, the doctors aren't going to give her radiation or chemo because of her age.
SIL: Really? My grandma was 85 and they gave her chemo.
Me: (Teeth clenched) Well, perhaps the circumstances were different.
Brother-in-law pipes in: (trying to back-pedal for his wife that obviously stuck her foot in her obnoxious, insensitive mouth) Yeah, you don't know if maybe she has a different type of tumor or if she has any other health issues.

You know, it's a real mystery why I am not close with my sister-in-law.

Also, I am now suspicious that my sister-in-law is actually a Schrute. Aren't they immune to disease? After all, disease is only for the weak, right? Guess who's getting beets for Christmas?!

TwiMoms Need To Step Up Their Game

Have you heard about this story?

Man Bites Teen at 'New Moon' Screening

If you plan to head out for another go-round with Bella and Edward, make sure to pay attention to who's sitting around you because apparently one 17-year-old Twilight fan was actually bitten by a man sitting behind her at a recent New Moon screening in Norton Shores, Michigan.

The girl was just minding her own business, slowly drifting off into Pattinson Fantasy Land when some 45-year-old dude began making sexual comments to her and her friend. Unfortunately it didn't end there because when the film was over, the man reached over and bit the girl on the neck. Thankfully the perverted bite didn't break the skin, but the man then fled the scene and hasn't been seen since.

Dude! Duuuuude. (shakes head)
There are no words...
That poor girl probably needed the double-Silkwood shower afterwards.

And we were all feeling guilty about ogling Taylor Lautner's abs. Look, but DO NOT TOUCH!

The real question is...What was a 45 year old MAN doing at New Moon anyway?

Glee Post Of The Week

Perhaps instead of having a Crush Of The Week post, I should have a Glee Post Of The Week. Truly, its the only thing I'm crushing on lately, and I'm crushing HARD.

One word. Puck.



Can I get a what-what? What's better than Puck in a suit?

Answer: The Glee dudes as bobblehead Chippendale dancers.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Firelight

Taylor Swift, I think you might be my new hero.

The Name "Vampire Bait" Was Taken.

As was 'Eau de Bella', 'Chagrin', 'Bite Me', and 'You Smell Good Enough To Eat. No Seriously, I Want To Stalk You and Eat You'.

Want to attract your very own Edward Cullen? Try new 'Twilight Woods' by Bath & Body Works. Smells warm and cozy, just like Bella. Just in time for the release of New Moon!

Coming soon for men, 'Sparkling Marble', a cool new scent for the holidays.

Crush Of The Week

My Glee love knows no bounds. I know this because I find myself crushing on the jerk-jock character named Noah (Puck) Puckerman played by Mark Salling. Also known as "Quinn's baby-daddy". All because on last week's episode, he showed a softer, more sensitive side to his character. It was only for a couple of seconds while he sang "Sweet Caroline" with an acoustic guitar, so if you blinked, you missed it, but let me tell you...it was ADORABLE. He even smiled. I didn't know he had teeth.

This is Mark Salling as himself, not in character.

These shots make me love him a little bit more, because hello?...nerd glasses?! I love nerds! Especially when they're not nerds at all, but super sexy hot dudes with huge biceps, masquerading as nerds! Tres emo.


And here we have the same exact NKOTB t-shirt that I myself owned about 20 years ago. A man after my own heart. See what I mean about that smile? Aw!

True Love Is...

holding a puke bucket for your spouse while the other end sprays the toilet.

...and then cleaning up the aftermath.

Today is day 6 of the stomach bug in our household. Both kids seem to have recovered just in time for my husband to get sick with it. I am the last healthy one. I hope I can escape with my guts in tact.

I Give Up On You, Community

I wanted to like you. I really did. I had such high hopes. I watched the first show with such anticipation. And wow, did that first show suck! But, I understood that pilot episodes are never that good since they really have to focus so much on explaining the plot and backstory, and just can't devote that much time to the funny. So I kept recording you and watched you every week. I wanted to love Joel McHale and laugh out loud at his snarkiness.

But you know what happened? I didn't laugh. Not at all. In fact, I kept wishing you were over so that I could just erase you from my DVR and be done with you.

So guess what, Community...I give up on you. You suck.

Thank You Hollywood!

On a recent date night with my husband, we went to see a movie (Couples Retreat) and saw a preview for a new comedy with the best casting EVER. It's like the perfect storm of a cast. I can't tell you how excited I am to see this movie, come April 2010.

Are you ready?

Date Night starring STEVE CARELL and TINA FEY! As a married couple out on a date night and a case of mistaken identity! That's a recipe for some good comedy, right there.

It also stars Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, and Ray Liotta. Honestly, I don't think it could get any better. Well...unless Christopher Walken was in it too. But I'll take what I can get.

I Love Zombies That Sell Paper

You can find one of Phyllis and one of Kelly at The Office website.

Stop The Torture of Pink Dress

Join me in the stand against the senseless torture of spandex clothing everywhere. That fabric is screaming for its life!

Thank you, People of Walmart. You made my Monday.

Crush Of The Week

This one is little bit embarrassing, you guys.

Let's face it, I'm kind of known for my very mature, very intellectual, very sophisticated crushes. Right? I mean, I like the Jonas Brothers because their lyrics have such poignant social commentary on our world. And Ryan Reynolds isn't just a pretty face or a set of precisely scultped abs. No. He writes articles for The Huffington Post. On important topics such as Competitive Eating.

I feel like I'm letting you down with my crush this week. I should be, and am, ashamed. This week's crush is:

The two hot brothers from The Vampire Diaries.

I'm embarassed to admit that I even watch this show. And kind of-maybe-even a little bit-like it. I started watching to see if it was going to be unintentionally funny, much like the Twilight movie, which was hilarious. But no, the show was just lame and stupid without the benefit of unintentional comedy. Boring. I was all set to give up and quit watching. But...then my coworker started talking about it and saying how fun it was and begged me to give it another chance. I naively agreed to watch one more episode. After all, the brothers were pretty cute, so at least there was eye candy.

And wouldn't you know it...last week's episode was actually kinda good and had just a tinge of mystery to keep me intrigued. Something about a magic pocket watch and some special herb/flower that is like kryptonite to vampires and the town's leaders knowing that "they" (meaning vampires) were back. Of course that means that I am now hooked. For good. Damn!

I extend my sincere apologies to you for such a trivial, ridiculous show and crush, no matter how aesthetically pleasing it may be. I'm truly sorry. I blame my coworker.

Shut It

I realized something today:

If you incessantly talk about your diet, exercise routine, calorie count, weight loss down to the fraction of a pound, etc...then we probably don't get along.

Or

I'm polite to you (because my mama raised me to be) but inside I'm plotting ways to spike your food with extra fat/sugar.

For reals, I DO NOT want to hear constant updates about the 4 pounds you lost, how many weights you lifted, how many grams of sugar are in a bagel, how much time you spent on the elliptical, or how my skinny jeans that I just gave you as a hand-me-downs are too big for you! (Can you believe the rudeness?)

Cause when you talk about all that stuff, all I hear is you begging me to give you a serious beat down while I force feed you marshmallows and milk shakes.

I Just Gained 40 Pounds

Last Spring, when I went to the QVC Beauty Bash, one of the gifts I received was a couple of buttercream frosted sugar cookies from Cheryl & Co. They. Were. Awesome. My mouth practically went into shock and started hypersalivating.

Since Mother's Day was coming up shortly thereafter, I decided that a box of frosted cookies would make the perfect gift for my only living Grandma who lives all the way in Minnesota. I could have them shipped right to her door. Grandma loved them! But I never bought any for myself. I never had a reason, and it just seemed too frivolous to buy cookies for myself. I mean, I love to bake! But the thing is, I don't do cutout cookies with frosting. I've tried. They looked like I deocrated them with my feet. I shamefully gave them to my kids preschool for their Christmas party because I figured the kids wouldn't care that they looked awful, and I was too embarrassed to give them to anyone else. I had 5 dozen deformed bell, tree, and candy cane cookies. And you know what? It was a TON of work. My kitchen was in shambles, and all I had to show for it were mangled lumps of dough and frosting.

So I came up with a reason to order some Cheryl & Co cookies. I want them. Plain and simple. And they were on sale, so with shipping, they were only a small fortune and not a gigantic fortune. QVC has a deal on them, and lets face it...I'm a sucker for QVC.

Yesterday I came home to a fresh box of cookies. Did I mention that I bought them on auto-delivery? Yeah, so each month I get a new set. Next month I get these.


If you know me in real life, you can expect to get a few cookies from me. They're individually wrapped, so it makes giving (and freezing) them easy. I want you to try them. I want you to love them. Your mouth will thank you.

ETA: That's right...I'm not above bribing my friends!

Crush Of The Week

In honor of my super awesome, super sexy, cougar-licious-ness, I've decided to bring you my crush of the week. My crushes will most likely revolve around whatever show/movie I've watched recently, or whoever happens to be on the cover of US Weekly. That said, it should come as no surprise that this week's crush is.....

The entire cast of Glee.

I was going to just pick one cast member, like Finn, for example, as the adorable, cool, popular, football star who is actually quite a bit awkward and geeky. All the tension between him and Rachel honestly gives my stomach butterflies. I love it so much. Aww!

But then, I realized that the actor who plays him is actually 27 years old. So clearly he is far too old to be cougar bait.

So then I was going to pick Kristin Chenoweth, who guest starred last night, and who is completely adorable and pocket sized for easy portability. She's only 4'11" y'all! But she sings like she's bigger than Aretha Franklin. How does she do it?

But I think she's only doing the one guest spot, so I didn't want to leave out any of the regulars like Mr. Shue, Sue Sylvester, Kurt, or Emma.

Ultimately, I decided that truthfully, I have a crush on the entire cast, because they are all so good. It is the highlight of my sad, television addicted life. I look forward to my Wednesday night dates with my crushes all week.

Noooooo!

My best work friend is leaving due to some serious workplace drama. She's packing up her desk right now.

No more trusted person to vent to. No more lunches together. No more break room chats.

(sob! sniffle!)

I'll miss you!

Cougar-licious

On a recent night out to stuff my face and laugh with some girlfriends, one of my friends remarked that if I wasn't married, I would definitely be a cougar.

I know, you guys are just as shocked as I was, right? Moi? Surely you must be joking!

All because I was saying how I wanted Taylor Lautner and Selena Gomez to have babies together. Lots of gorgeous, brown, dark haired, white-teethed babies.




















Wouldn't they make the most beautiful babies ever? Taylor & Selena, I'll totally babysit for you guys!

It's not like I said I had the hotts for him. Ew. No. He's way too young. My celeb crushes have to be at least 20. I'm not a total perv, you guys!

Dear Kris of 1992

This post is originally from Stephanie's blog, but my work has it blocked for malicious content (my favorite kind of content!), and then from Karen's blog. So here goes...

Dear Krissy of 1992,

People call you Krissy right now. Later in life, some people will call you Kris, but it's all the same to you.

Now that high school is over, here's what I want you to know...

1. Have fun on the Europe trip in a couple of weeks! It's a once in a lifetime trip, so for pete's sake, keep a journal or something. Write down the names of all the people on the trip with you, because you will forget. When you look back at that group photo in front of the Eiffel Tower, you will only remember you, Nikol, and a bunch of whats-their-faces, which is kind of a bummer. Write down the names of all the castles and cathedrals that you visit too, because even though they all look the same, you might want to go back to one of them one day when you are older. But how can you go back, if you can't remember which ones you visited? Also, don't forget to pack some comfortable walking shoes and remember to tell Nikol that she is awesome. Lemon Sisters for EVAH!

2. Boobs. Quit wishing you had boobs already. One day you're gonna get your wish, and it's not going to be as great as you think. In fact, after you have kids, you're gonna wish you could trade in your National Geographic chest and have that flat one back again. Gravity is not your friend.

3. Boys are dumb. Seriously. All of them. It's not worth bothering with them until they are 25 and develop some sense. But then again, you're kind of dumb too, and you won't listen to me anyway. You'll be madly in love with your best friend and you won't care that you're both dumb, so you'll get married at 22. There are some bumps in the road, and you're complete opposites, but you guys make it work. I cannot stress this enough, the key to your happy marriage is to keep making each other laugh. He quotes the same movies for at least 13 years, and you love it. You laugh hysterically every. single. time. Don't get too busy to hang out and laugh together. By the way, if you think he's hot when you get married, just wait until he's 36! Damn girl, he gets hotter with age!

4. Your mom isn't as dumb as you think she is. She actually knows a lot more about life than you do, so maybe you can cut the attitude and listen to her once in a while. She's pretty awesome, and you'll have a great relationship with her.

5. Kids. This is gonna be a tough one for you...I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna have some trouble with infertility. It will be difficult, frustrating, depressing, and heart breaking. Just try not to be too much of an ass about it. I know you're going to be depressed, and your friends and family are going to want to be supportive, but there are limits. It's gonna take a long time. Get used to the stirrups! This is no time for modesty. You will be surprised at how quickly you get used to your hoo-hah being on display for tons of various doctors and nurses. Don't give up though. God has a wicked sense of humor with you and gives you twins! They are beautiful, healthy, happy, hilarious daughters, and the light of your life, but you definitely won't sleep at all for the first year. Also, see #2.

When you're 35, you still won't have it all figured out, but things will be pretty good. Don't take your friends and family for granted, and take some time for yourself too.

Love,
Kris in 2009

P.S. Invest every penny you can in Microsoft, Apple, or Qualcomm. You'll thank me when you're filthy rich.

P.S.S. There still aren't any flying cars, and we still eat normal food and not those food capsules like on the Jetsons.

Happy Birthday Blog!

You are one year old today! Blog, I love you and am so pleased with how you've grown over the past year. Aww, you're such a good little blog, aren't you?

I got you some very special presents. I saw these and knew they were perfect for you! I hope you like them.




Love, Kris

I Dedicate This To You, Kristina

I have felt guilty and the weight of it was just too much...I vowed I would make a post about it, and now I am finally doing it. This entire post is dedicated to you, Kristina. (I feel like we should couples skate or something...No? That's cool.) Ahem. Where was I?

All the way back in June, the hilarious, intelligent and gorgeous, Kristina had a mondo giveaway. You all know Kristina of Pulsipher Predilections, right? Of course! She's the queen of funny blogs. Anyway, I won the giveaway!

I won the cutest, most versatile, feminine, hip earrings from Ann at Beadiful Things.



Aren't they cute? I tried to take a picture of them myself, but it never showed the detail like Ann's picture does. Plus, my earlobes are embarrassingly large and flappy.

Unfortunately, there was a little glitch...you see, right after the giveaway, Ann broke both of her arms and was having surgery! She asked me if I would mind waiting because she wouldn't be able to make them right way. Mind? Honey, you're gonna have enough trouble wiping your own tushie, please don't even worry about the earrings! In keeping with my custom, because I have such a short attention span, I promptly forgot about the earrings, so I was pleasantly surprised when just a couple weeks later, the earrings showed up in my mail! I wear them all the time. They go with everything.

You may ask yourself, "how did she forget to post about the earrings when she wears them all the time"? It's a gift. An exceptional gift for forgetting things. I would remind myself to do it when I put them on in the morning, but if you know me, you know I am not much of a morning person, so by the time I got to my car to head to work, I had already forgotten.

What I have been asking myself is, how could Ann have possibly healed so quickly to make the earrings? Clearly, the answer is that she is a vampire. Or my second choice: Superwoman. Either way, she makes some pretty cool jewelry and I highly recommend her on the basis of her awesomeness.

Thank you Kristina! Thank you Ann! You both rock! My sincere apologies for not posting about the giveaway and the earrings sooner.

How To Finish Your Christmas Shopping All At Once

Buy everyone you know a copy of the new Flight Of The Conchords album, which comes out October 20th.


BOOM!

You're done.

Oh, and guess what, you're awesome, everyone loves you, and they all want you to be their Secret Santa. Bonus!

Just Say No To Running

It’s no secret that I hate exercise. There are some forms that I hate more or less than others. For example, swimming isn’t so bad. It’s a low-impact, full-body workout, without the side effect of being completely sweaty and stinky when you’re done. Huge bonus. On the flip side, running is absolutely horrid...Go from Point A to Point B, as fast as you can. Hmm...I’ll pass. Honestly, who thinks running is fun? Or even remotely enjoyable? Crazy people, that’s who.

Now you can argue all the fitness and cardiovascular benefits of running until you are blue in the face. I can’t argue that, but I can argue the fact normal people find much better ways to reap all those same benefits without having to actually run. Tell the truth, which is more fun...running, or sweatin’ to the oldies with Richard Simmons? Come on, the guy is hilarious! You can literally laugh your ass off to his workouts! Is running funny? Maybe if you do it in a gorilla suit. Otherwise, no.

Don’t even get me started on marathon runners. Those mofos are the craziest of all. Because you don’t just wake up and decide to run a marathon that day. You have to train for months. Devoting that kind of time to your own torture takes some dedication to your own personal brand of crazy. If you wanted me to run 26.2 miles, you would have to chase me with a chain saw and a mask made of human flesh. And when did marathons become trendy, cool, and hip? Now all these celebrities are doing them too. Most of them are all like, “I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it”. Yeah, I suppose I could force myself to grab an electric fence, drink a bottle of hot sauce, get my nipples pierced, or kick some puppies, just to see if I could do it...but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

If you are a runner, and you’re reading this...seriously, I wasn’t asking for any volunteers when I made that comment about the chain saw and mask of human flesh. SERIOUSLY...weirdo.

Dear Husband, You Are BUSTED!

Here's how my husband got in big trouble yesterday when he wasn't even around:

So he's gone on business for a week and I was picking up the kids after work. We had this conversation in the car on the way home...

Me: What do you want for dinner tonight?
Twin 1: I don't know, sweet cheeks!
Me: Sweet cheeks? Where'd you hear that?
Both twins: Daddy! He said it on the phone!
Me: To who? (fuming. Flames coming out of the side of my face.)
Both twins: To his friend.
Me: WHO?
Both twins: I don't know. A girl.

Since I know we don't use that expression with each other, I furiously calmly call my husband's cell. No answer. Then I text him, asking if he can explain why our children are calling me sweet cheeks and saying they heard him say it to his girlfriend on the phone.

When he calls back we have this conversation:

Me: Hello?
Husband: Sweetcheeksbananamuffinhottub
Me: What?
Husband: Sweet cheeks banana muffin hot tub.
Me: Huh?
Husband: You know, from the Jack in the Box commercials?
Me: Oh. Yeah, I guess.
Husband: Yeah, well that radio commercial came on in the car when I was driving the kids to preschool, and while I was on the phone with Aaron (male best friend since childhood - sounds just like Auntie Erin, female), I said it to him and the kids thought it was funny.
Me: Dude, you're so lucky.

Nice save, husband. Nice save. You may live to see another day.

Now You Know

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper letter salutation for a married couple where the husband has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery? (They were "John and Millie Jones.") -- WONDERING IN KEY WEST

DEAR WONDERING: Because the husband is no longer John Jones and is now "Linda," for example, I would address the envelope to Ms. Linda Jones and Ms. Millie Jones -- placing their names in alphabetical order. And in the salutation I would write, "Dear Linda and Millie."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbor is a 70-something year old man that started living as a woman once his wife died about three or four years ago. I freaked one morning when I saw his wife pulling trash cans out to the curb on our suburban street. I thought she had passed away! Then she turned around and I realized it was just him in a wig, pearls, and pumps.

Now I know how to address letters to him....if only I knew his/her name.

Kings of Leon

I'm a little bit late to the whole "Kings of Leon are so freaking awesome!" party. I mean, I'm here now, but I'm late. (I brought dip in case anyone wants any!)

See, I just bought their current cd a week ago. Which means that I only recently discovered that I have been singing my favorite song by them completely wrong. Silly Kris, the song isn't you set me on fi-ire.

It's actually...

your sex is on fi-ire

Indeed.

Rawr!

It's Official! I'm In Love With Glee!

Fox heard my wish to finally see the original episode of Glee and replayed it last night.

And I'm already in love. It really didn't take much. Just seeing the audition songs and the national champs singing "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse was enough for me. So by the time they did "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey in the final scene, I was already hooked.

I hope there's a new song in every episode. I can't wait for next week's episode and their version of "Gold Digger" by Kanye West, which you can see here.

I guess that makes me a Gleek!

Watch It!

ETA: I guess somehow I clicked to not allow comments. What's wrong with me today? I LOVE comments!...so feel free now...

The Time A Psychopath Broke Into My Room While I Slept

I've been asked to tell this story a lot lately, so I thought I would share it here.

When I was about 19 or 20, my dad and stepmom went on vacation and asked me to housesit for them. Since I was living at home with my mom, stepdad and stepsister, I jumped at the chance to have a whole house to myself for a week. I vowed to water plants, bring in mail, feed cats, etc and be the perfect housesitter. Before they left they warned me about possums getting under the house at night and making noise (they lived near a canyon) and basically told me not to worry about it.

I was having a great time being queen of the castle. Saturday night rolled around and I let a friend (he happens to be my husband now) borrow my car to deliver Sunday papers and then went to bed. Round about 2:30am I hear a weird scratching noise, but I assume it is possums and go back to sleep. 30-60 minutes later, I still hear the same noise and then realize it's not coming from under the house, it's coming from the bedroom window. Possums aren't that tall and can't climb walls, so now I am fully awake. I start to wonder if I ever locked the back door. I get up to check, and of course I hadn't locked it. So I flip on the back patio light and see a man pop up from the bushes near the bedroom window.

PANIC TIME!

Creepoid asks if he can talk to me for a second. I tell him to get the hell out of there and that I'm calling the cops.

As I'm dialing 911, I realize I'm not at my own house and don't remember the exact address. Luckily, I was a good housesitter and had neatly stacked the mail by the phone so I could recite the address. Unfortunately, I didn't know that the mailing address that they used was actually the street on the lower part of the canyon, and the front door off the little access alley that everyone on the street actually used, had a different address. Oh, and that all the little alleys were different variations of Main Street, Main Avenue, Main Lane, etc.

So while I'm on the phone with 911, explaining that there is a psycho trying to break in and kill me, Hannibal Lecter actually busts the window and climbs in. Apparently I started screaming calmly explaining to him that he needs to get the EFF OUT while the 911 dispatch person is saying "IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, GET OUT NOW! THE POLICE ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE!"

So I run out the front door, but not before grabbing a giant flashlight to club my attacker over the head with. And when I get outside...there is nothing. No cops. No cars. No flashing lights. No lights at all. And I'm standing there wearing the lime green underwear and white t-shirt that I had gone to bed in. Holding my flashlight. I don't even have my car to escape in, because I loaned it to my friend for the night.

What felt like an eternity later (5 seconds), a car drives up. Not a cop car, but a regular sedan being driven by the neighborhood newspaper delivery woman (coincidence?). She sees me standing there in my lovely white t (braless) and green undies and stops to ask me what I'm doing there at 3 something in the morning. I explain about the crazy ax murderer in the house and how I'm looking for the cops. She tells me that they're just around the corner, on Main Avenue, about to bust into another house. So I tell her to GO GET THEM! and she drives off.

I'm still standing there (like horror movie bait) with my flashlight and my underwear, listening to the serial killer moving around inside the house, talking to himself. Seconds later, a whole precinct of cops runs up to the house on foot. They tell me to stay where I am outside, and they all run in the house. I'm still standing there BY MYSELF, outside, for what felt like a good 10 minutes, before I go back in the house.

The head cop reprimands me for coming inside and not waiting for them to bring me in, and immediately starts questioning me. I ask if they caught the guy, they said yes and that they took him out the back of the house and put him in the squad car. So headcop starts asking more questions. I actually have to stop him and ask permission to GO PUT ON MY PANTS, and he responds by laughing and smiling and follows me to the bedroom to get my pants. Gee officer, you had no problem letting me sit outside at 3am without any police protection, but now you have to follow me and watch me put my pants on? Well, don't I feel safe now?

Anyway, long story short, I wasn't attacked or harmed in any way. I was subpoenaed to testify at the dude's hearing, and apparently he was a psych patient who had gone off his meds and thought it was his doctor's house. The first time I really got a good look at him was in the court room, and he had one of those "I see dead people" white patches of hair on his head. Freaky! Maybe he thought I was Bruce Willis and was coming to shoot me?!

I'm very lucky that nothing happened to me. Imaginging what could have happened really freaks me out. The silver lining bonus is that I am terrified of the dark and super paranoid about noises that I hear at night. It was years before I would take a shower when I was home alone at night (I was afraid the noise of the shower would drown out the noise of the killer coming to chainsaw me to bits). However, I also learned that in fight or flight situations, I will cuss at you and try to bash your head in with a flashlight. I took some self defense classes after that, but after sitting through all the horrible attack stories, it only convinced me that I was going to be raped in my driveway, and I had more anxiety than ever, so I quit going.

Krobert Stattinson Engaged!

So like, where do you think they're registered? I've totally been wanting to get them this crystal vampire fang ashtray that I saw, and now I have the perfect excuse! It's dazzling! (snerk)

Cause this is totally real and not in any way a marketing ploy to sell more magazines, right? US Weekly would never do that to its loyal readers! Thank goodness I have a subscription for the next 2 years, so I can stay informed of all the news and photos of the blessed event!

OMG, something totally just occured to me! Do you think they're (gasp!)...pregnant? Oh, please tell me they're expecting their very own evil precious little Renesmee!

P.S. Is it possible to gag on/vomit squee?

Jenny Lewis, Singer & Actress

Jenny Lewis, if I were Ursula, the Sea Witch, I would totally steal your voice and sing my heart out all the live-long day.

It is practically a crime that the only way for me to buy this song, Barking At The Moon, is to buy the Bolt soundtrack. That means buying a cd with John Travolta singing on it! It's a crime, I tell you!

And yeah, I could buy the MP3 version, but I really just want to be able to listen to it in my car (so I can sing my heart out in semi-privacy) or listen to it at work through my computer on Pandora. But Pandora doesn't even have it.

And now I'm being pouty about it.

This song is so pretty, why didn't Disney try to make more money off poor saps like me and market this song a little? Show me a little love, Disney! Let Jenny put it on one of her own cds!

Some of you might also Jenny Lewis acting in classics like Troop Beverly Hills and Big Girls Don't Cry, They Get Even!

Ma Duggar: Baby Factory

The Duggars announced that they are expecting their 19th child. They currently have children ranging in ages 0-21, and their oldest is already married and expecting his first child.

(and this picture only shows 14 kids!)

If their children continue to have as many children, by the time they reach the 5th generation, there will be 3.2 million Duggars on the planet.

• One in every hundred people in America would be a Duggar.
• There would be more Duggars than Latvians.
• There would almost be enough Duggars to have one in every square mile of America.
• If all the Duggars earned $30,000 annually, they would collect $96 billion a year before taxes, enough to bailout AIG and have enough left to buy Marvel Comics three times over.
• If all the Duggars were armed there would be more than enough of them to defeat the North Korean and Russian armies combined.
• There would be more Duggars than Muslims in America.
• There would be more Duggars than residents of America's 21 least populous states.

Dear Self,

When you go to the beach for an entire day with your friends and don't bother to put on sunscreeen because you think you are under the shade of the canopy, maybe you should ask your friends if you are in fact, in the shade. Because your shoulders just might get fried to a crisp.

Better yet, you should just go ahead and put some sunscreen on anyway, you moron. After all, you were at the beach in a tank top for the entire day.

Have fun peeling next week, dumbass! Common sense....look into it.

Painfully,
Kris

Celebrity Sighting

I saw Danny Glover at Disneyland yesterday.

He is taller, much skinnier, and less gray than I would have imagined.

I don't really like to approach celebrities, because I figure they probably don't like to be hasseled all the time. Plus, I act like a complete tool when I talk to them. Like goofy, gushing, can't string a sentence together kind of tool. It's so humiliating.

Feel Sorry For Me, Won't You?

The AC in the office building still isn't fixed, and they don't expect it to be fixed until Tuesday, at the earliest. My office is a tiny closet with no windows and it is probably around 92 degrees (give or take) in here. That's no exagerration. I've had close to about 100 oz of fluids to drink today, and I've only peed twice in my whole 9 hour day.

I'm hot, I'm sweaty, my feet are ginormous swollen, and I'm cranky.

But there is a definite silver lining...tomorrow I am going jet skiing and Monday I am going to Disneyland.

So maybe you don't have to feel that sorry for me.

Job Reference Letter WIN!

I sincerely hope that one day I have the pleasure of writing/receiving a reference letter like this for a job applicant. I think I would frame it and hang it in my office. Seriously.

To whomever it may concern (since I have no idea),

I would like to personally recommend Virginia A. for what ever it is that she requires a recommendation for. I have known VA professionally for a long time, almost 10 months. In that time her ability to almost do her job correctly has never ceased to amaze me. It takes quite a special person to answer phones and correctly forward callers to the correct employee. Some might say “That’s easy, anyone could do that.” But as her 15 year old replacement has proven, only someone with VA’s special set of skills could make it look difficult.

During her employment VA continually pushed the envelope of what it was possible to wear to work and not get fired. Often showing enough cleavage to make even the most satisfied infant salivate, VA and the girls showed what it truly means to give it all you’ve got, or show it at least. You might be fooled into thinking that this was grossly inappropriate and not even “What Not to Wear” could save her, but let me be the first to say that her personal contribution to morale and lack of concentration to the office was unsurpassable.

VA’s commitment to the job meant that she couldn’t just leave it at 8 hours and call it a day (unless she found someone else to give her a ride home to her apartment less than half a mile away. Walking is such hard work.) No sir, when there was a happy hour at another office, VA was the first to ask you to come (and for a ride.) When there was no drama in the office, VA would take it upon herself to sleep with one of your coworkers and tell you all about his ED just in case you thought maybe you didn’t know him well enough after all.

And so it is without hesitation that I recommend VA for whatever it is that she is applying for because that might mean I’ll have to hear form her less. Please accept/hire her.

Yours truly
XXXXX

Courtesy of Emails From Crazy People

The 3rd Ring of HVAC Hell

The HVAC is broken again in the office building, which is filling up with hot, humid air. It feels like Godzilla is breathing on me.

Repairs are not anticipated to be complete until the end of the week.

Shoot me now.

Celebrity Blogs

What better way to
A) Fall more in love with
B) Stockpile more ammo for mocking
your favorite celebrities than by reading their blogs?

If you read any celebrity blogs, can you please hit me up with a link? I'm all about sharing the love, you guys.

Here are the ones I know about that I love
Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor from The Office)
Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly from The Office)
Michael Ian Black

Here are the ones that I mock
Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP
and my newest, Julia Stiles

The Dunder Mifflin Birthday Party

Yesterday was the big birthday party for one of the bosses at work. We pranked her office...not to Hollywood standards, but to the degree that it was still funny without getting us fired.



You can see the tin foil, the framed photos replaced with Dunder Mifflin photos, bubble wrapped chair, balloons all over the floor, and of course, the staple remover in jello (the stapler was too big and expensive to mess up).

Then we have the filing cabinet covered in I (heart) Jim post its.



We also covered her window in various Office photos, quotes, Schrute bucks, etc. For the party, we served ice cream cake (no Dunder Mifflin birthday fiesta is complete without one), and soft pretzels. That's right, we had our very own pretzel day! To drink, we had some Schrute Farms Beet Cider and Meredith's Special Blend...which turned out to be just apple cider.

The birthday girl was presented with her very own Dundie Award for best scrunchies (she has a basket full of them on her desk) and a World's Best Boss mug.

All of the Office references required an explanation for our non-Office-watching coworkers, but it was still fun even if the drones didn't really get the jokes. Us cool kids were laughing anyway.

Mad (about Jon Hamm) Men

Mad Men is back starting season 3 on Sunday at 10pm on AMC.

This show is so awesome. I say things are "awesome" a lot, but its really true. Would magnificent be a better word? What's a good 50s/60s era adjective? The bees knees? Keen? Anyway, If you're not watching, you should be. It's like an HBO or Showtime series, only without the nudity and cussing. There's still plenty of sex. And TONS of innuendo. But you never actually see any naughty bits.

The characters are all completely flawed and barely even likeable. But so riveting. The late 50s/early 60s aren't quite the idyllic world I imagined. Not according to Mad Men. But that's only because of the rampant sexism, racism, smoking, alcoholism, adultery, etc.

Still don't think it sounds like something you'd want to watch? Just take a gander at Jon Hamm in a suit.

If that doesn't convince you to watch, then clearly you are crazy.

Seriously Ed, Stop It!

Big Ups - Doin It Exclusive Music Video from Joey Kern

Ed Helms, Stop Making Me Love You!

Dude, you're adorkable, and I love you. Check you out scatting (that's like beat boxing for older folks) with the JoBros. Can't wait for The Office to start back up again, and now that Jim & Pam are completely blah, I truly hope the Nard Dog gets more screen time.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Beauty Product Rave

This is an extremely late review/rave of a product I got at the QVC Beauty Bash that I went to way back in March. Out of the entire truckload of free products that I got, this is one of my top favorites.

ExfoliKate by Kate Somerville

I love this stuff. Let me just warn you...its pricey. Like $85 for 1.7oz. pricey. But it works. Fast.

I used to be in love with Philosophy's microdelivery peel, but now I've moved on. Philosophy's peel is just so two-thousand-and-late.

ExfoliKate is a green exfoliating treatment that you only have to leave on for 30 seconds. 30 seconds. That's it. The other stuff had to sit there for a couple of minutes, and you had to use twice as much product with less results. It's so quick, I just leave it in my shower. No more standing over the sink and waiting. A garbanzo bean size amount covers my whole face. You feel a definite warming/tingling sensation, and once you just rinse it off and your face is super smooth. I have problem skin, so I use it every other day, instead of just the recommended twice a week, and even with more frequent use, it doesn't irritate my skin.

I know it's expensive, but Sephora usually has their friends & family 20% discount sometime in November, so maybe you can buy some as a Christmas present to yourself. You deserve it.

My New Favorite Blog

If you haven't seen this before, you're gonna love it....I just had to share.

It's called Emails From Crazy People, and it is delightfully crazy, and therefore, awesome.

This is the most recent entry.


There's plenty more where that came from!

Sometimes I Love Him Just A Little Bit Extra

I generally don't get all mushy-gushy over my husband. I don't write sonnets about how the sun shines out of his ass all day long, how he should be crowned with sainthood, or how hopelessly devoted I am to him. I'm just not like that. Sure, I love him, he's my best friend, etc. But, he does kinda get on my nerves sometimes. In return, I get on his nerves sometimes. So we have this fun, back-and-forth dynamic.

The good thing is, making me laugh is the quickest way to my heart. I think he recently realized this, because lately, he's been making me laugh a lot. Just because.

So yesterday, when we were sitting in the theater, waiting for Harry Potter to start, we saw a trailer for New Moon. Keep in mind that he hasn't read the books or seen the movie. And do you know what he said?

Oh, SparkleBoy! Watch out for those mean werewolves!

In a girly voice.

Then he turned and grinned at me while I cracked up.

I never said it took a lot to make me laugh.

Just remember ladies, he's MINE.

Comic Con's New Moon

This is major.

Can you believe the cast of Twilight actually showed up at Comic Con? I can't. I heard they were going to be there, but I assumed "cast" meant everyone except Bella & Edward. I mean, come on people, they are far to huge of A-list stars to attend such a frivolous fan event. They are far too busy appearing on US Weekly covers (at least they were until Michael Jackson died).

As a San Diegan, I'm truly surprised that I didn't hear headlining reports like:

Fan Mob Crushes Kristen Stewart's Head

Robert Pattinson Found Crying In Corner

San Diego Buildings Windows Shattered From Sonic FanGirl Squee

For those of you who don't live in San Diego, or weren't at Comic Con, I'd just like to rub in the fact that Robert Pattinson WAS IN MY CITY. OMG! Like, I could have attempted to stalk him and everything! What is wrong with me?

Here are some photos from the event. Since I am so nice, I've even captioned them for you.


Taylor Lautner: "Dude, what is up with Kristen's hair? And her face? She looks rough. I'm so glad she didn't look like that when I had to pretend that I was all in love with her, because I am not that good of an actor. Do you think I should show her my abs again?"


Kristen Stewart: "Duuuuhhh...what? Ew...I think my hair might be greasier than Rob's."

Kristen: "What. The. Hell?! That girl had better keep her hands of Rob or I will claw her eyes out. I can't wait til this Joan Jett movie is over so I can have my pretty hair again and start showering. Look at Rob. He's so cute. I really should have hooked up with him when I had the chance. Don't look at me! I'm hideous!"

Robert Pattinson: "Ha! Have you seen Kristen? She looks bloody awful! Even when I try to look awful, I still look better than her. And girls still throw themselves at me! Should I make out with someone just to make her jealous? Sorry love, you missed out on all this!"

My friend, (Hi Maegan!) sent me some links to clips that were shown at Comic Con.

My Favorite Paintings

As a lover of the arts, I thought I would take this opportunity to share my favorite works with you.

Feel free to view the larger collection at Worth 1000.

Dear Car,

$900 in parts and labor?

Your timing sucks,

Kris

Parenting Multiples

Here's something I've come to believe as a mom of twins: We're just not meant to have more than one child at a time.


There's the issue of time, effort, exhaustion, expense, breastfeeding, number of arms/hands to hold and carry them, and all that. But really, I believe it boils down to the fact that they just don't get enough individual attention. They have to share everything, which is great, because they learn to share very early, but sharing everything also kinda sucks. Like sharing a birthday and sharing Mommy & Daddy's attention, without having the separate distinction/priviledge of being the oldest, or being the baby. Being one minute older doesn't really count.


Maybe this is only true of my kids. Or maybe it's only true with girls (translation: drama queens). I don't know. With my kids, even though they are very closely bonded and hate to be separated, they also really enjoy being recognized for different things or accomplishments. Unfortunately, this also means that the desire to be recognized individually creates some of its own competition.


For example, just this weekend in Vegas, I was praising them both for how well they are swimming and how proud I am of them. They both wanted me to tell them that they swam better than the other. Or that they were the first to swim.


I wonder if it's worse with identical twins. Thank goodness Kate looks like Daddy and Emma looks like me. At least they get to be distinct in their looks (and personalities). We can rave about the beauty of Kate's long lashes and Emma's freckles. They've also developed different favorites, which helps them have things that are their own, without having to share.


Kate likes light blue and Cinderella. Emma likes pink and Ariel. So we know that the light blue clothes and Cinderella toys belong to Kate. The pink clothes and Ariel toys belong to Emma.


At the same time, having twins is awesome. They have a built in playmate and friend wherever they go. They end up with double the amount of toys and clothes. They comfort each other. They stick up for each other. Oh man, when they stick up for each other, it practically makes my heart explode with joy. Even when they knock other kids around while doing it. I know its wrong, but seeing sweet, gentle Emma shove a little boy to the ground in defense of her sister is secretly satisfying.

WTF Obama = Hitler Email?

I have a coworker that I am friends with. I really like her. She has a daughter a couple months younger than mine, and we have gotten them together to play. We've gone to Sea World together and visited each other's houses. So we're friends outside of work. We have a lot of things in common.

We also disagree on a lot of things.

Today she sent me a religious/political email forward. It basically equated Obama to Hitler and accused him of a Nazi propaganda campaign to brainwash our children. It said that as Christians, we need to be vigilant about protecting our children's minds from der Furor and the Change campaign.

Sigh.

I think its safe to say we don't agree on politics or religion.

I Survived Vegas

Vegas was both good and bad. It changed minute to minute, depending on the availability and number of bribes that I was able to provide my kids. They were happiest when they were just hanging out in the room, jumping on beds, acting like maniacs, screaming like banshees, or watching cartoons. Unfortunately, I wasn't willing to put up with the screaming, jumping, maniac bit, and the watching cartoons bit bored me to tears. So I would drag them out in 114 degree heat to see Vegas or grab a bite to eat, and they would whine and complain until they were presented with a slurpee or lollipop. Or the promise of visiting the M&M World.


We swam a bit, after I spent about 30 minutes blowing up their inner tubes to float in. And I didn't see a single topless woman. I saw a scary waitress in a butt-crack baring bikini...I'm not entirely sure she was born female...but I didn't see any bare boobs.


There was a Serendipity directly across the street, so I got to try a famous Frozen Hot Chocolate. It was good, but not especially magically delicious or anything. At $8.75 a pop, I expected more. But at least I got to see what all the fuss was about. And plus, it was in the 100 and teens, so a cold, frosty, chocolate drink isn't exactly torture.

I wouldn't say that it was a wonderful trip, but I wouldn't call it horrible either. It's just not a trip that I will want to repeat any time soon.

Weekend Getaway or Hellfire torture?

Tomorrow I will be on my way to Vegas. Driving. At midday. With my maniac driver husband behind the wheel and my four year old girls in the back.

I'm not quite sure what possessed me to think that all of us tagging along to his business trip would be a good idea. Mid-July. I must have been looking for an excuse to ask for time off from work or something. But now I'm committed. We're going. It's too bad I'm not as enthused as I used to be.

Right now I'm concerned with how I am going to keep the kids entertained without driving myself crazy. Alright, I know there are actually a lot of kid friendly activities in Vegas. And I'm not talking about Circus Circus, because I will have to be seriously desperate and Crazy Crazy to attempt that place. It's like one giant, noisy, screaming, crying, swine flu infested mess over there. With gawdy clowns. But besides Circus Circus, there are certainly other kid sights to visit. My problem is that visiting them will require leaving the air conditioned comfort of my hotel and actually going outside. In Vegas. Mid-July. Have you ever been to the desert in the middle of summer? I swear that it gets so hot that you feel like you can't breathe and that your lungs might actually spontaneously combust. That is, if your skin doesn't catch fire first. And then, when you go back inside the hotels where it is frosty cold, the temperature difference actually makes you feel sick and weak and light-headed. And if you think I'm being dramatic, wait until I start traipsing around with a couple of four year old girls.

My other concern, is exposing my young, impressionable daughters to all the drunkennakedcrazyvulgardirtygrossness of Vegas. You might think to yourself, surely with Kris as their mother, they are accustomed to all of that! But you would be wrong, for I am never drunk.

The Strip is a location, not an invitation.

I'm told that now even the Treasure Island Pirate show is risque. We plan to spend some time at the pool, but even that has me worried. Did you know they have topless pools? How will my self esteem survive when I'm lounging poolside with my flabalanche stuffed into my Momzilla bathing suit, alongside some bodacious breasted babes in bitty bikini bottoms? And how will I answer my girls when they ask why they don't have a top on? "Well, you see honey, those girls didn't have a Mommy or Daddy that gave them enough attention, so they grew up trying to get attention for their looks. And if you ever do that, I will lock you in your room until you're 30. Oh, would you look at the time? Time for a nap!"

Someone please tell me that those pools are all partitioned off so that I don't have boobs in my face all afternoon. I mean, if that's how I wanted to spend my day, I could just hang upside down without a bra.

I'll let you know next week whether it was a fun weekend getaway or a plunge into hell.

Johnny Depp: Burton's Muse

Tim Burton knows that there are other actors in the world besides Johnny Depp right?

He knows he doesn't have to cast Johnny as the lead in every movie he makes, right?

Don't get me wrong, Johnny is awesome, and I've been a fan since 21 Jumpstreet, and he always pulls off the weird Burton roles. I know he'll be great as the Mad Hatter. I mean, just look at that...its so creepy and disturbing and...intriguing. And he hasn't even spoken yet. I've never had a clown phobia before, but I think I will if I stare at that picture too long. I'm not much of a Tim Burton fan, but chances are I will see Alice in Wonderland when it comes out. Still...it wouldn't hurt to have a little variety in the casting.

That also includes using his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, as the female lead in all his movies.

(My husband lovingly calls her the "most ugly woman on the planet")

Does Burton not know about IMDb? Should I send him a link? I know my husband would really appreciate not having stare at Helena's mug on the big screen.

Facebook Friend or Foe?

I am now Facebook friends with my ex-step-sister.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I was 5 and she was 6 when my mom and her dad got married. She spent the school year with her mom back East and spent summers with her dad, and by default, the rest of us. That first summer, my brother and I got lots of lectures about how we needed to be nice and make an effort to be friends because it was going to be so awkward for her. We understood.

I shared my room, my toys, and all my belongings. We showed her around the neighborhood and made sure she was always included when we played with our friends. She came to birthday parties and sleep-overs, bike riding adventures, neighborhood games of sneak at dusk, endless hours of swimming, etc.

Yet there was still so much tension.

We were each given a list of chores. When my brother & I were still busy doing our chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, washing the sheets and making the beds, when her only job was to take the sheets off the bed, we didn't understand. When I would try to be considerate and share my things with her, she would scream and throw the items at me, because they were on her side of the room. I would get in trouble for it. I walked on eggshells. When the rest of the step-family (grandma, cousins, etc) would get together for outings and sleep-overs and exclude my brother and I, we knew it, and we did not understand.

Eventually, we got tired of being nice. We knew it would be easy to rile her up, so we teased her. We went outside to play and stopped asking her to come with. We co-existed and tolerated each other, but we were never ever close or friends.

As we got older and went through junior high and high school, I constantly felt compared to her. Look how tall she is! How blonde! How pretty! How thin! How popular! How athletic! She would roll in with her Guess jeans, bikinis, and her yearbook full of photos of her with her various boyfriends, and I would voluntarily enroll in summer school and walk back and forth every day in my Mervyn's outfit, just to get out of the house. We still shared a room, but we barely spoke.

She came to live with us permanently when she was 18. My brother had gone off to college, so we didn't share a room anymore. I was a senior in high school, so I was busy with school, work, and my friends, and she did...whatever it was that she did. I didn't really care what she did. I think the feeling was mutual. You stay out of my way, I'll stay out of yours. We didn't share the same interests or friends. We weren't mean or rude, we just spent as little time as possible together. In our early 20s we both moved out and got married. We would see each other at family functions and holidays. We exchanged our meager gifts and were courteous and civil. We didn't call or get together unless we were obligated to do so. It wasn't so much that we disliked each other at that point, we were just so different and had nothing in common, and neither of us was really willing to make much of an effort.

Then, after 20 years, our parents got divorced and it was bitter and weird, and we no longer had family functions and holidays. So its been like this for about 10 years. We live about 10 minutes away, and we send each other a Christmas card with a picture of our family, but that's it.

And now we're Facebook friends, and I'm not sure if I like it or not. We're still vastly different, and we still have nothing in common, and I'm guessing she feels exactly the same way.

Expecto Patronum!

Something just dawned on me.



Harry Potter comes out on Wednesday. WEDNESDAY! Holy Freak! Did somebody put a Confundus Charm on me or something?

Time to wash my t-shirt that says:

Guess who's wearing it to the movies. Clearly, I am awesome.

Should I apologize in advance to my husband and any friends that will be seeing it with me? Right about now you're hoping that you are never ever seen with me in public. Ever. Right?

Office Pranks

I am head of our department party planning committee. In addition to various team building and holiday parties, I am responsible for planning milestone birthday parties. Milestones, as in, when someone turns 30, 40, 50, etc. Each birthday party has its own theme depending on what that person's interests are. For example, we had a high tea party and a Sex In The City party.

Right now we're working on a Disney party and a Dunder Mifflin party.

That's right. A Dunder Mifflin party.

Complete with a stapler in jello.

But I need your help. I need ideas for a Jim/Dwight type prank to pull on the birthday person. One that won't get me into trouble (ie. not destructive or offensive), and one that is actually doable on a zero budget.

So far we have covering her desk in tin foil or filling her office with balloons.

Edited to add:
As part of the party, we're also including a Dundie Award ceremony and need categories for awards. Again, non-offensive ones that won't get me in trouble. I know, it kinda takes the fun out of it, but I need to be able to keep my job.

Michael Bay, You Annoy Me

Dear Michael Bay,

I appreciate the fact that you are Hollywood's go-to-guy for summer blockbusters that involve lots of special effects and explosions. I really enjoyed the first Transformers movie and was pretty excited to see the second one. I saw it opening weekend but needed a week to have a well thought out question for you about it. So here goes...

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

As a fully functioning, non mentally challenged adult, I have a serious issue with your movie. It totally did not make any sense. All the lame plot segues that never really tied together? The addition of some new Autobot characters that were an obvious, yet very sad and annoying attempt at humor...I'll just go ahead and say it...they were robot versions of Jar-Jar Binks. The female robot that just happened to be conveniently placed at Sam's new college dorm? Incidentally, I didn't know that robots wore gallons of self-tanner too. Or is that just a basic requirement of all your movie characters? All actors must be overly tanned/splotchy orange?

Seriously, was there ever even a point to anything that happened? The annoying roommate? The former secret agent that now runs a butcher shop, but has a complete bunker of government secrets conveniently stored in his meat locker? An old robot at the Smithsonian that can teleport people? Since when can robots teleport people? Why don't the newer robots have this kind of technology? And if they CAN teleport people, how about teleporting them to an actual desired destination. Like say, the secure location of the flipping Army base where they need to be instead of making them run miles across the desert, dodging various evil robots, huh? Or did you just have a bunch of extra explosives that you needed to blow up?

I've heard that plenty of folks in Hollywood circles think you're a complete d!*k. Bruce Willis has pretty much told anyone who will listen that he hates your guts and will never work with you again. Bruce Willis had to kick Hans Gruber's ass, and you're the one that he hates? And after seeing this picture of you from Halloween last year, I think I gotta side with Bruce.

Nice costume, Tool. Yeah I get it...you're a middle aged rich white dude with pecs. Sheesh, the one time I want crazy Mike Tyson to sucker punch someone, and he just stands there.

The only decent thing you did with Transformers 2 is make sure that Shia is still in it, and give his crazy mama a couple of decent lines.

In the future, I will wait for some reviews before I bother seeing any of your sequels. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

With sincere animosity,

Kris

Zombies Are Real

BEWARE!

Avoid taxi cabs (or taxi drivers), they are likely already infected. Zombies are attracted to the smell of blood, shiny objects, and movement faster than 2 mph.

They will eat your brains.

Dear Abby, You Crack Me Up

Here is today's Dear Abby entry:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.
There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this? -- BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.

DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should "forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire." What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the subject.

Sometimes I really wish I knew the people that write in to Dear Abby. Usually, I just want to smack them upside the head. In this case, it just cracks me up. Writing to Dear Abby (the symbol for old-fashioned, clutch your pearls, you-kids-get-off-my-lawn kind of thinking) for cross dressing advice? Well my stars, I do declare! Will wonders never cease?

Still...I think he's in for a shock. Something tells me that would be a really funny conversation to be a fly on the wall and watch. I have no idea who this couple is, but I really hope she writes back.